I’m in desperate need of some neutral advice. I dated a guy from the time I was 18 until I was 32; I’m now a 36 yr old woman. He and I seemed to have that crazy, all consuming type of love which seems to either burn itself out or warm into something stable and maintainable. Ours crashed and burned hard. Real hard. Though I was the one to end things, he emotionally and mentally broke off with me way before I finally said those 3 words, Let’s break up.
Our relationship has always been turbulent, which we both found exciting when we were younger. In one of the more turbulent times, we’d broken up for a few months, and I decided to start fresh in Dallas. He later moved to a different city.
Shortly thereafter, however, we realized our mistake, and wanted to get back together. We did - and that began the long distance relationship. Though I took to long distance like a fish to water, he did not, and gradually began distancing himself from me after a year or so. Realizing this, we spoke about it, and he decided to move to Dallas. He hated it here, and I hated the city where he’d moved. Additionally, he believed I’d cheated on him (I didn’t) because of an old note he’d found. He went back to his city - for a while we both said - but I knew he wasn’t coming back. He blamed the note, but I believe that was just an excuse and he just wanted to leave.
After that, we remained together, but things gradually changed between us. I felt he’d abandoned me, and he became completely obsessed with live in his city.
In the end, I broke up with him for several reasons:
He grew emotionally and mentally distant; constantly distracted when we spoke on the phone
He was increasingly unavailable for phone calls
Similar life goals, but opposing views on how to achieve them
And finally, evidence that he’d been cheating (which he denied, but later admitted to)
That was 4 years ago. During those 4 years, he’s remained in contact occasionally. He and I both have had other relationships that we’ve spoken about on the phone. He has tried to get back together with me a few times, but I’ve refused. Recently, he broke up with a woman and he started calling me incessantly. Finally, he asked again to get back together and again, I refused, but said he could visit as he sounded really down and out, and I thought there was no danger to my heart.
He visited last week, and I discovered I was wrong. Still in love with him. I told him we could try again, but now that he’s gone, I don’t think I can. I still get the feeling that he’ll run away if the going gets tough as he did before, and that he’d cheat on me/dump me - for a place, a job, an opportunity, another woman….you name it. He claims he’s grown and changed, and knows what he wants now. He claims he needs me in his life and can’t fully commit to another woman because he’s always loved me. He claims cheating because of the distance, and my unwillingness to try life in his city as he did in mine. He’s reminded me of the fact that we didn’t have cheating issues until we moved apart - I believe this is true, but who really ever knows if their partner cheated before. He told me he’s willing to sacrifice for our relationship, and will move to Dallas with me and get married and occasionally do travel for business in the city he’s in now.
Yes, he’s back with many claims. Thing is, he didn’t live up to his claims in the past. Thing is, he just got out of a relationship, and may be on the rebound and not know what he wants. Thing is, when he visited, and we were joking around online looking up our astrology signs and their compatibility, I caught him looking at his compatibility with a sign that wasn’t mine. He claims the sign he was comparing himself to was his first girlfriend, and he was just curious what it would say. I’d believe that if he hadn’t almost broken his wrist to click off the page when I saw it.
I don’t want to read too much into the online occurrence, but I think he was looking up the woman he just broke up with, and if so, that’s a sign that he still has feelings. Basically, what I’m trying to say here is that I just don’t know if I should take another chance with him. I’m thinking no, but don’t want to lose out on a good thing if he’s sincere. Thoughts? Am I reading too much into the online astrology thing he did on his visit, and is this guy fully manned up and ready for a relationship or is he selling me more pipe dreams?
I'd look for love with someone else. I think he's just on the rebound after his last relationship broke up. It sounds like you two have tried, over and over again and just can't make it work. It is hard to maintain a friendship with an old lover. Give it time and distance from him with no contact. Maybe one day you'll be able to have a friendship with him. It sounds like you need to chalk him up as "been there, done that, didn't work out."