My cousin is really sad and asked my for my opinion. But I am not much experienced and I'm not sure what to tell him.
Her girlfriend of more that three years has lied about a (male) friend of her. When she introduced this guy to my cousin she said he was her best friend. It was in the beginning of their dating. And every thing was ok until a month ago my cousin discovered the truth. His girlfriend used to have sex with this friend. They never got a serious relationship. Just sex. And now my cousin is very mad about this. He feels she lied to him and broken his trust. Plus: he doesn't approve the kind of relationship they have had.
I think this has made him feel insecure. He thinks this guy was better in bed that him and that's why her girlfriend is still in touch with him.
He is thinking about ending the relationship. I think it's a little too much. But no really sure what to tell. Letting this issue outside, I think she is a really good girl. I don't think she's cheating on him.
Your cousin has a situation he's having a hard time dealing with. Your Cousin's girlfriend hasn't said anything deceptive to him or hidden any information from him that he has a right to. The sex she had before becoming monogamous with him is not relevant to their relationship. There is nothing his girlfriend can do to fix this situation as she hasn't done anything wrong ethically or morally. Your cousin can certainly demand any standard of behavior from his girlfriend that he decides is appropriate but if he leaves this girl, the next girl he meets will also have a sexual history that he'll have to deal with so it's not as if that's a realistic solution. Your Cousin needs to come to terms with his insecurity about other men and realize that he is the man that matters to this girl now.
I don't share your point of view about he don't having the right to now about this. I mean, what's the line between what is to be disclosed and what isn't? In my own opinion she should have chosen between telling the whole true about this guy and not mentioning him at all (stop seeing him too, of course). I agree she need not to talk about people which wasn't in her life anymore. But this guy is in her present life and she introduced him as a friend, when he isn't. In the end you date someone in order to get to know her/him. From this point of view lying is not fair.
You are right he has to deal with his own insecurity. Which he already knows. But his problem is not with his girlfriend's past as a whole. But with this very guy.
I've been talking to him today. He want's his girlfriend to dump her friendship. And she refuses to do so. But she is very sad and afraid to lose my cousin also. And I guess she will end up dumping this boy.
In the other hand my cousin's obsession is getting worst. He told me he's got the image of his girl with this guy in his head the last 48 hours. And is driving him crazy. Which worries me a little, because it wasn't like this a couple of days before.
Is this man not her friend? Is he not friendly to her? Do they not do the things that friends do? Was she involved in a comitted relationship with him at the time you met him?? What part of that seems dishonest to you?
If you can't stop obsessing about this other guy you will lose her. This is true without exception. And if you do lose her the next girl you encounter will be exactly the same. She will have friends that she once had romantic interrest in. It is the nature of things with women and men. More likely than not you have female friends that you once had romantic intentions for, if not this girl will likely be your first. Either you can process it and rise above this problem or you can continue to be batterred by your insecurity again and again through life.
Don't forget we are talking about my cousin here. And it is not a naive trick to hide myself behind another person. I have my own problems but from a different kind.
In fact I think that presenting as a friend a person which wasn't actually a friend in the past is dishonest. Specially when you are presenting him to your boyfriend. Because most people doesn't like his/her partner being in touch with past boyfriends/girlfriends. In that context, if I introduce an ex girlfriend to my current girlfriend and I omit the fact that she was my girlfriend. I am doing so on purpose. Because I don't want my current girlfriend to get mad at me. Then, I am lying. I don't mean it is a deathly sin. But I don't reckon it's harmless lie.
Regarding my cousin's situation, they broke up yesterday (his girlfriend phoned me today morning). She wants me to help her getting him back. She is devastated so I will try to help her. Even when I think she screwed up. I'm not here to judge her after all. And I think my cousin will be better with her that with any other girl.
What makes the fact that a girl you know was once your girlfriend relevant? Do you feel a prospective girlfriend has a right to know your ex's birthdate? Her social security number? Whom she lost her virginity to? Does your ex have any right to privacy? What is it about your the fact that you have previously dated someone different information than any of their personal affairs? If you feel you are required to explain that a friend of yours was once intimate with you are they really your ex at that point?
As for the last question: I don't keep in touch with previous girlfriends. And I consider "not keeping it touch" a fundamental part of ending a relationship. That's why I don't face the problem of telling my current girlfriend a lie about this matter. If by chance I met some of them, I won't have a problem telling my girlfriend that this girl is an ex.
Talking about my cousin again: What makes relevant the kind of relationship his girlfriend had with that guy before is the fact that my cousin cares about it. Let's think for a minute my cousin told his girlfriend that he didn't care about the whole "past relationships" subject. She would have all the right to not mentioning it.
As you can see, there is no absolute truth about this. It depends on every person. And if you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, you must think what she/he cares about. In every aspect of life, not past relationships only. The fact that humans can see things from the other's point of view is what make humans social animals. In that sense, "the only thing that matters is what I care about" simply doesn't work. You can't think that your girlfriend won't mind you are still in touch with your ex, only because YOU don't care about it.
Finally: birth date, social security number, her first partner are far away from the fact that some girl is an ex-girlfriend and not just a friend.
In the end, if a relationship is truly finished what's the big deal with admitting it existed in the past? Why hiding it?
As far as this thread has gone I don't see any argument supporting the idea of hiding past relationships (when there is a relationship still in the present).
By the way, my cousin refuses to talk to her. And he isn't in the mood to talk to me. So I am waiting.
I wouldn't go so far. I see the differences between them. But I don't know about a couple with no differences between each member. I guess they both have to come to terms with each other's point of view. My cousin should see than even when she did a mistake by lying to him, she didn't made a really bad mistake (like cheating). She has to see how this lie affected his boyfriend. Which in turn shows how important this subject is for him.
I don't reckon this difference between them should be a reason for splitting up. But in the end it's for them to make such decision. I will try to help my cousin seeing this problem from a less terrible point of view. That's the most I can do, if I can at all.
That's just the point. If a difference of opinion such as how to define an ex was too much to bear then your cousin and this girl would have made one another miserable. He's going to have to be more selective in finding a mate that shares his particular views or he's going to have to learn to be more reasonable.
hmmm... I think that being more selective is an endless path. I mean, how much selectiveness is enough?
Of course, if he is unable to come to terms with this matter. He will have to check this the next time he meets someone. But I guess he must try fixing his current relationship first.
He should be selective enough that he doesn't choose partners that have irreconcilable differences in an outlook about monogamy. Your cousin's views are very unusual, it is in his best interest to discuss his feelings about exes before entering into a relationship with someone in order to avoid causing them pain.
Having problems with the past of my girlfriend
I am a 34 year old guy whom finally found my true love and planning to get married.She is everything a man desires kind at heart,loving,respectful,mature,caring ecc but i have one major problem that i cannot take off my mind.In the past she dated quite a few guys with the intension of a relationship but never worked out therefore she was always searching the right guy and the more she tried the more men abused from her but telling her i Love you,you the one and than dumping her after a month relationship.Besides that she had a big inflatution for a guy whom she had sex with in her relationship and finished just after two months.After that time whenever she finishes from one of these short term relationships she immediately falls for him for a short time (weekend dating) until she finds someone else which bothers me allot when she told me.I know the past is there to learn from it and you always need to look ahead in the future but this issue keeps on haunting me daily.
I have spoken to my best mate and recomended me to go to a consultant with her which in fact i am on weekly basis.It helps me alot when i am there with her because we can clear my mind what is bothering me but when am home alone the thaughts start haunting me again which at one point it drives me crazy.
I know i have a past of myself and dated quite a few women which one of them i have a child and she absolutely accecpted ,but i am finding it hard to accept her past which i know that she acted perfectly normal in her past.
What is then the problem could it be because i knew all her ex`s?.Could it be because she use to fall for her ex no matter what he did to her due to his looks?,Could it be because she had an infaltution for this particular guy and use thaught she can give him another chance maybe he changes?.COuld it be because she always use to fall in love for the wrong person or could it be it was just sex (which i doubt it) because it took her a month with me.
Please someone answer to my massage and let me know if you can be of any help.In the next 10 months i am planning to get married and i want to have my mind totally clear and live happy with the woman i have choosen.
Well if she dated less men you wouldn't be having this problem, because she would never have gotten involved with you. You're the last man in a line of lovers that have defined the woman you love If she was with one less of them, even the one you hate the most it would mean that she wouldn't be with you now. Her past is what made her the woman you love today, if you cannot accept who she has been you aren't accepting who she is now.
Well, I can't help noticing what your (cainmallia) and my cousin's situation have in common. For some reason both of you have got affected specially for a sex-only relationship. It's like the fact that your girlfriend had sex without being truly in love is the problem.
hey my girlfriend said she has said sex before and it bothered me and drove me mad for ages cause i knew who when and what she looked liek and where but after a year i was losing it and i almost broke up with her but dsecided not to and she told me it was a lie she only said it cause she thought i was the kinda guy who likes "experienced" girls not her words but you know what i mean she said she couldnt tell me before because she knew she dug hereself a hole but now i dont know what "truth" to believe i wanna believe that we lost our virginity together but i dont know please help hopefully someone knows what im on about