girlfriend breaks up with me... (Page 1)

replied June 8th, 2011

Experienced User

If you read all the other posts you will see that it is a bipolar trait to end relationships , to ask for space, to ask for a break, to say there is too much pressure. I have suffered that as well, he broke with me twice, coming back after some months, but always a very difficult relationship, highs and lows, drama, unknowns, also a lot of happiness. We are still broken up, the reason is 'he doesnt feel the same' but bP feels from day to day, the feelings of one day may not be the feelings of the next day. Im still waiting for him to change again. It is the hardest thing ever, I love him so much. Red other posts, you will see. The traits are very predicable, such as
-breaking up for no reason
-anger for little or nothings
-disappearing
-closing the phone down, not talking to you.
-cheating
-spending money
-change of mind, change of feelings
- coming back again after a time

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replied June 8th, 2011

Experienced User

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replied June 8th, 2011

Reggiane, thanks a lot for your quick reply! To be honest I have heard many similar stories with bipolar people. Right now Im just confused because on the one hand something tells me that its the disorder but on the other it could be just a break up like any other Sad

In the meantime Im trying to move on but I will still be here if she needs anything. I can't turn my back on her no matter what.

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replied June 8th, 2011

Experienced User

If she is BP she will be showing many more traits you should recognize as a cycle. The fact is the DO break up from time to time, cant cope with the pressure, it is too much for them. They also want to be alone a lot.
People who has a relationship with BP people say that when there is a change they sometimes look like there is an alien living in the loved one, so different he or she presentes himself or herself. I've seen that in my own relationship, I could not recognize him. They do settle and come back after a fashion, but a realtionship with BP isnt for the faint of heart.
I she comes back saying she actually likes or loves you and made a mistake, it was the BP speaking when she said she didnt love you anymore. Their feelings change a lot, actually they change their minds about anything nd everything, mine used to change his mind about staying in a hotel that had been already paid and driving home in the middle of the night for no reason.

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blue88cup

replied June 8th, 2011

Oh my gosh. I know that alien look. I remember a couple times when my boyfriend and I got in bad fights he had the most craziest look in his eyes. Dilated pupils, foaming at the mouth, he looked at me as if he didn't recognize me. It was scary he didn't look himself. Almost like an alien not from this world.

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replied June 8th, 2011

Yes I think she has gone manic somewhat but last I spoke to her she said its how she copes. She said she spent a good amount of money because she wants to change her hair style so she feels different, apparently she's also drinking (something she has not done in a while) and she also said she went for a drive with her friend's car over speeding. There's nothing I can really do at this stage I guess but wait. Thanks again for your comments! Sometimes you just need someone who listens Smile

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replied June 8th, 2011

Experienced User

she sounds manic.
Mine went like that and promptly got a woman in a bar, stayed with her for some weeks, said she was not for him and came back to me. He cannot even explain that.
he behaved in a very manic way for some months and came back to normal after.

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replied June 9th, 2011

Experienced User

It sounds like she is not taking her medication or it is not working. I was reading recently that for rapid cycling, medication is often not very effective.

The bottom line is that, assuming she is actually complying with her treatment, she needs to have her medication adjusted. Try to encourage her to do that first, and then worry about the relationship.

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replied June 10th, 2011

Hey cogito Smile

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

The problem I am finding is that I'm not quite sure whether its her going through an episode or if its just a 'normal' breakup. Maybe Im just trying to find an excuse with all this bipolar thing. I'm really confused. But for now I'm not contacting her in any way as it will make things worse. She needed space and unless she needs me I don't want to 'intrude' in her life.
Thanks again

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replied June 10th, 2011

The temptation to text her and saying how i miss her is too high at the moment... Sad

But I know it's probably not a good idea. I wonder if I will ever get over this breakup and really move on :/

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replied June 10th, 2011

Experienced User

Most of the times, it is hard to be certain that the disease is behind the behavior, but you know she suffers from it, and if you educate yourself, you should know what sorts of behaviors it should cause. Especially if she is showing symptoms of an episode, and the behavior is consistent with common behavioral patterns during episodes, it is best to assume that it is the disease. Give her the benefit of the doubt that it is not normal behavior. If she is still telling you those things in six months, well, it probably is how she feels, not the disease.

It took me almost a month to come to terms with the fact that the disease could cause this sort of behavior. In my case, it was more obvious, because I knew it was simply not normal behavior for someone to start telling me that she was not sure she loved me after telling me how much she loved me for the past two years (without providing a reason). In your case, well, it is unusual but not necessarily abnormal behavior. Sometimes women need their space. What is telling here though is that she does not seem to be able to provide a convincing explanation as to why (which is consistent with mood swings caused by chemical imbalances) and her behavior is consistent with a mood episode.

It is possible she is manic, and difficult to guess, because you left a lot out, but social withdrawal (including from close friendships and relationships), feeling overwhelmed by social obligations, crying, et cetera, are all behaviors associated with depression. You might want to consider whether she is showing the common symptoms of either mania or depression.

Finally, something I wish I had known a few months ago, you need to watch out for times when you find yourself arguing with her bipolar disorder instead of with her. If you are, just stop. Providing logical deconstruction of something said in the midst of a chemical imbalance might be effective, but arguing with the disorder just makes it worse for both of you.

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replied June 10th, 2011

Experienced User

Speaking from my own experience, don't worry about moving on just yet. When bipolar disorder causes a good, longstanding, and loving relationship to start falling apart, it is a pretty big psychological blow, and it can cause you to start experiencing depression yourself, because almost overnight, and without explanation or closure, you lose your primary relationship and your best friend.

Work on feeling better yourself. Focus on your hobbies and interests. I was pretty depressed for about six weeks afterward. Now when I think about her, I focus that energy on composing music. Try something like that: paint, write, compose. If you cannot do that, go on a walk. If you are more social, go out with friends. Talk with them about your problems, or if needed, talk to a professional.

Once the depression starts lifting and you feel more normal, then think about what you are going to do next. It has been two and a half months. I still think about her a lot, but I am no longer depressed. Things will get better.

As for calling her, just tell her you are there for her if she needs you. Normal relationship advice does not work in these situations. In my case, she seemed so depressed that she would rarely return my messages and never my calls, so I rarely try anymore. I figure when she is feeling better, she will initiate contact with me. Still, I do try to remind her every few weeks that I am here for her as a friend.

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replied June 11th, 2011

thanks again cogito for your insights.
I havent spoken to her for the last 2 weeks so I could not really say in what phase she's in. I just have this gut feeling that she s falling into depression. I just don't know what to do. I mean if she really wants to contact me wouldn't she do so herself? Im scared of texting her because she may be moving on...

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replied June 11th, 2011

Experienced User

Untreated, the average length for full blown depressive episodes is six months for bipolar I and twelve months for bipolar II.

I am in the same boat as you right now. The fact is, if the depression is severe enough, they might not even leave their rooms for days, might not even leave the house until they need food or toilet paper. It has been nearly two and a half months since my former fiance has tried to contact me.

All I can really say is that it is a mistake to treat people with this disorder with your normal social protocol. They do this to their friends, and if they do not live with them, they do it to their significant others and their families. She would talk about how sometimes she would just stay in her room for a week or two, staring at the wall, ignoring phone calls and messages, afraid to go outside.

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replied June 17th, 2011

hey thanks again for all of your help!
I've got some more updates after a month from the breakup. She recently started contacting me again and I must admit I liked the fact that she did. But I get confused. She tells me she's missing me and that what we had was amazing. She tells me how stupid she was to push a person who loved her. I must admit I told her I missed her too and that I loved what we had and we stayed mentioning good moments we had on Instant messenger.
Then I ask why is she contacting me again because like I said I get confused and I can't really move on before having an explanation. She gets mad and tells me :'fine then I won't talk to you ever!' She says she talks to me because she still cares for me.
I want her to keep talking to me on the one hand but I have to be honest I can't just see her as my friend (at least for now). When I told her that she says she doesn't see my just as her friend either :/ She seems just unsure about her decision but with her she's keeping me in a limbo. For now I figured the best thing would be to try and keep the contact line open but still move on as much as I could.
I really can't understand what's going on here. I just feel vulnerable and I don't really know what she wants from me.

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replied June 29th, 2011

Update :
After some time of no contact at all (once again) she called me 3 days ago asking me if we can meet so I'll give her some stuff of hers that I still have.

After that she texted me saying how she did a mistake by leaving, how it probably was bipolar acting, how she lost the love of her life and how she thinks she'd never find someone to complete her as I did. She also asked if we could meet so we can talk face to face over things. She said that even though she knows she doesn't have any chances left at least she has closure because she said she could not watch me move on without her telling me this stuff.

I said I wasn't sure it was a good idea cause it could make things worse for me by meeting her (heartbreak again). But finally I told her I agreed and that it would be ok for me to meet over a coffee to speak head to head. We had to meet the next day so I'll give her the stuff she left at mine. But she never texted. She didn't even bother to tell me she can't make it. So I texted her asking what had happened and her reply was just a dry one: that she got caught up in something :/

It's like one day she says she thinks she made a mistake that she left etc etc then the next she would not even bother to text. Please someone help me understand!
Thanks in advance Smile

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replied June 29th, 2011

Experienced User

There is something called "insight". It is the ability to recognize cognitive and emotional conditions. People who think, say, or feel something because they are angry often have good insight into understanding that their anger is the underlying cause.

People with bipolar disorder (and schizophrenia) often have very poor insight into their ability to recognize that thoughts, feelings, and emotions are being caused by their mental illness. One of the peculiar features of those diseases is a lack of insight.

Even though the underlying cause of a behavior may be a chemical imbalance of neurotransmitters, it is pretty common for people with bipolar disorder to deny that this is not a "normal" emotion or behavior.

I think it is easier for us to see it for what it is because we have a more objective view of what constitutes normal behavior for a particular person. For high functioning bipolar individuals, their changes in behavior and mood can be mild enough for them and even many of those around them to see them as normal.

My ex-fiance denies that her sudden change in feelings is related to her disorder, but the three months apart have made me more convinced that this and many other things that happened between us are largely caused by her disease. She genuinely believes that I am using her disorder as a rationalization of how she could break up with me without admitting that we will never get back together again (as if "normal" people do not break up and get back together).

One of the scary things how good smart bipolar people are at rationalizing their behavior to themselves.

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ConfusedKK

replied July 1st, 2011

Agreed with Cognito. BP people have a hard time recognizing an emotion will pass. They live very in the moment, esp during an episode. They act to how they feel in that moment. With an healthy individual, they can usually recognize emotions will pass such as sadness. But with BP during a depressive state, they want to feel great again. Bipolar is truly like the North pole and the South. They have extreme mood swings, imagine going from an all time high (mania) feeling on top of the world, absolutely in love, everything is great, to the very next day feeling lost, empty and confused. The emotions are so overwhelming that the person does not know how to react. I feel this is why my bf runs away, and breaks up. He is so confused and wants to be happy again that he just tries a clean slate. Sooner or later he gets out of his depressed state and realizes that he does in fact love me, the mood has passed, and is baffled by his behavior. On numerous occasions he has said " I dont understand why I just flipped like that. I know for a fact I love you. I just felt like I needed to feel happy, and knew i didnt feel that way at that time." In my situation, My bf also tries to self medicate. I read that a lot of bp people tend to become alcoholics, bc being drunk simulates the feeling of mania. So they have a tendency to want to keep that high feeling, but ultimately create a low with they are having alcohol withdraws which creates rapid cycling in their moods. This is a very sad disease, bec I don't believe the BP person realizes how much their behavior affects those around them, or how it affects their life. I don't think they mean to intentionally hurt us. They are just as confused as we are, bec this is not rational behavior. Its almost like Tunnel vision. Like Cognito said, lack of insight.

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replied July 1st, 2011

Experienced User

Those two posts above really helped me to understand my ex, why he breaks up and wants to come back, why he can be so loving and after say that he does not love me, why he can write lovely emails and say horrible things, why he can say im his only one, someone he is going to spend the whole life with, and very soon after disappear and pretend I dont exist.

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replied July 26th, 2011

Update: Yesterday she text again (not the first time) asking if we could meet so ill give her some stuff she left at mine. I told her to meet this week so we ll get this ready once and for all(still not sure if I made the right decision).
The thing is Im not sure if this is just an excuse on her part to meet me. Like i said in an earlier post she had told me she misses me and that she made a mistake of leaving etc...I just keep wondering whether it was really her decision or if it was just an episode. It's just so confusing. I keep thinking about her. But I know things could never be the same between us now because she has really hurt me. I guess it's just a tragic situation. I still think she was my one and deep down part of me still wants to get back with her.

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replied July 27th, 2011

Experienced User

If she was showing symptoms of experiencing an episode and certainly she was demonstrating common behaviors of an episode, then you should probably assume that it was the disease.

How her episodes affect your relationship is really up to you. If you need to walk away, you should not feel guilty about that. Yes, she is ill, but her illness is emotionally abusing to you and if you cannot or do not want to deal with it, you should not beat yourself up over your decision to walk away. If you think you might want to make it work, you need to stop blaming her for hurting you while she was ill, stop dwelling on all the unfulfilled plans and promises and work on how to move forward.

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replied July 29th, 2011

yesterday I met her (the first time after about 2 months)to give her her stuff back finally. I was a bit nervous at first but then felt better. We spent around 2 hours talking about random stuff, our lives and everything. I think it was clear that she didn't really meet me for her stuff.

It was obvious she is somewhat manic. She seemed jumpy and all high and talkative. She stayed taking photos of everything. She told me she's buying a new cam (quite expensive), she's into painting again(after a very long time), how she's going out and drinking and also smoking pot. Basically she almost meets every criteria of a maniac. She admitted that she has stopped taking her meds for now until she starts lithium in 20 days.

It's like she has become a different person (it was like when I first met her). She's now going out and also staying till late with her work mates. This is the same girl who until 2 months ago didn't go out at all cause she felt 'uncomfortable' and 'unmotivated'. And actually left me cause of the 'pressure' I put on her. That's the thing that hurts most, knowing that now she's fine doing all the things we stopped doing for a long time with other people (and guys). I never told her to get drunk or stay out till late. All I asked of her was to go out as a couple and she knows this.

This just doesn't always make sense to me. Sometimes i can look at this situation 'objectively' and treat her just as my friend but its not always easy. Sometimes i get hurt when I think what she might be doing with other guys, what was ruined between us. That's the ugly side of bipolar, it steals the person you love away from you
Sad

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