I need to vent, i need to speak with someone who might actually understand where i am coming from.

I have been in a relationship with a bipolar man. I have suffered from depression for many years and the ugly beast still comes and goes, however my counselor believes I may be bipolar myself (this is not the point though).... needless to say we both have ups and downs.

I am here because I am now getting depressed and i can see how ugly and dark it's going to become. I dont understand why this had to happen to me. We have been together for 6 months, in the honeymoon period he told me he wanted to be my rock, he wanted to take care of me in every possible way, I was a little apprehensive and given i dont trust anyone and I actually was happy being single, very happy!!! I took a little time to relax and let him in. I finally managed to do that but 3 months down the line he overstepped and broke my trust in him. He says he understands, i believe he doesnt because he still holds it against me that instead of asking how bad things were in that period of time, i completely focused on him breaking that trust.

Since that day neither of us has spoken about the relationship. things werent going well but I was still waiting fro him to talk to me. I had told him from the start I am a very jealous person, and he called it and still calls it paranoia. He does nothing to stop my paranoia, so I admit to having been less than nice and suspecting his behaviour etc...

We've had a mostly one sided chat a couple of day ago, it was dirty laundry day. Nobody has made me feel so inisgnificant and so hurt as he managed to. Everything i have done for the last 6 months of my life has been wrong and it's my fault he feels guilty when he tries to talk to his friends, it's my fault he cant talk to me. He hasnt healed in a long time and its my fault because i dont allow him to talk to me.

Mind you, i have been waiting patiently for him to open up to me and talk to me, apparently i havent......................

I am now left feeling he doesnt want to work on it, though he repeated he wants to and that is why he is sticking around. However... I was trying to come up with solutions and all he could say was, there is no magical solution.

I would have prefered a breakup. I dont want to end it because I love him, he isnt ending it yet and i dont know why that is.

I am feeling worthless, cheated, hurt, angry, stupid for letting him in, trusting him not to hurt me only to watch him serve me my heart in pieces.

There is nothing i feel like doing. I am supposed to fight my employer for unfair dismissal, nothing matters anymore. I want to crawl into a hole and stay there til the pain goes away. I dont even have the space in my life now to do some healing on my own. Unfortunately a member of my family has moved in with me 3 months ago.

My head feels like it's going to explode, I feel more alone now than I did a while back when i had been depressed for months.

I feel i need to give up on everything, everyone, including myself.
I dont have the strength to do anything. I dont even want to fight anymore. He's taken away from me everything including hope. I will never again trust anyone. He made me trust him and then did this to me... I feel empty inside.

i wouldlike to know what to do, but it might be too much to ask.