Abortion Debate Forum - Friend with Unwanted Pregnancy

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Q: Friend with Unwanted Pregnancy

asked by: Jules on March 2nd, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

Can't decide where is more appropriate to post this, here or Medical Abortion...

Anyway, a friend of mine has recently found out she is pregnant, she's about 6 weeks. She is unmarried but has been with her boyfriend for a few years; they have a very tumultuous relationship. He has cheated on her before, often disappears for days on end without contacting her and has even hit her a few times.

He is a Muslim and she is not. He told her that the child will have to be raised Muslim and will be sent to Pakistan when it is 7 years old to receive a 'proper' education. My friend does not want this but fears that if she tries to stop him then he will snatch the child and she'll never see him again. She has very little money, has 2 children already and no family support. Even though she purposely stopped taking her birth control pills (with her boyfriend's knowledge), she is now considering abortion.

She has come to me several times over the last few days asking me what she should do. I find it really hard to know how to respond because when we discussed before the event about her getting pregnant I told her I thought it was a bad idea and the reasons are still the same now, it's just she's actually pregnant now. For me, that makes things harder because even though I am pro-choice, I still can't bring myself to actually encourage someone to have an abortion. When we're talking, I keep imagining the tiny life inside her and feel guilty that we're talking about it as if it's a pair of shoes she's thinking of taking back to the shop.

To make matters worse, she's Catholic and has had an abortion before that she regrets! She says God will never forgive her if she kills this baby and that 'the baby is innocent' but that she doesn't think she can cope with it right now.

I guess I'm just unburdening myself to you guys because there's a mix of pro-choice and pro-life here and I'd love to hear some comments on this situation. I feel really lame just saying to her, "It's your choice, do what you feel is right" because she obviously wants to hear more from me!

Go on, fire away please!!

Replies(134)

Reptar

replied on March 2nd, 2008

Experienced User

Has she considered adoption? Or would that be no better?

Jules

replied on March 2nd, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

Her boyfriend wouldn't allow that and she wouldn't want to give the baby up if she had it, 'especially if it was cute' - her words!

Tylanas

replied on March 2nd, 2008

Especially eHealthy

I know it's so much harder "inside" of the relationship, but is there any way you can get her to a counselor who can help her break up with her boyfriend, get a restraining order for herself and the future child (and her current children), and help her find aid to work and have money? That's honestly the best solution. An abortion is simply putting a band-aid on a gushing wound that's just draining her of her life.

If she's completely unwilling to leave him, then honestly I'd press for the abortion. It's not fair to do that to a child.

Birch

replied on March 2nd, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

That sucks, Jules. It certainly sounds like an abortion is not the right answer for her.

It sounds like parenting isn't, either.

I think in the end, all you can do is listen to her. Keep the focus on her...it almost sounds like she wants you to give her an answer and she's really got to come up with it herself. Challenge her incongruent beliefs (like why is she with the bf when he treats her like crap-see if you can help her see the pros vs. the cons). Ask her "why" over and over again about anything she says. Help her figure out her true motivations.

And best of luck! That must be hard to listen to.

yodavater

replied on March 2nd, 2008

Active User, very eHealthy

Re: Friend with Unwanted Pregnancy

Jules wrote:

Go on, fire away please!!

While a life in Pakistan doesn't sound especially desirable, nothing can justify electively killing the baby.

oopoopoop

replied on March 2nd, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

This definitely sounds like one of those situations where a post-natal abortion of the sperm-donor is the best answer.

Reptar

replied on March 2nd, 2008

Experienced User

I just don't understand why she would stop taking birth control when she didn't know how she would feel about having a child. She specifically tried to get pregnant, and now may want an abortion because of pre-existing conditions. I am pro-choice but I just don't get her logic and why she would purposely get pregnant only to have an abortion. If she CAN'T leave her boyfriend, then she should opt for adoption or abortion because she is clearly not in the right place to have a child. Her boyfriend is abusive and may be abusive with their child. The poor thing won't be cute when he/she is covered in bruises and lying in a hospital bed with multiple breaks. I hate the idea of bringing children into an abusive home. If she can't provide a safe place for her child, it's abortion or adoption (regardless of how cute the baby is).

Tylanas

replied on March 2nd, 2008

Especially eHealthy

Re: Friend with Unwanted Pregnancy

yodavater wrote:

Jules wrote:

Go on, fire away please!!

While a life in Pakistan doesn't sound especially desirable, nothing can justify electively killing the baby.

I disagree 900%.

Tylanas

replied on March 2nd, 2008

Especially eHealthy

poopoopoo wrote:

This definitely sounds like one of those situations where a post-natal abortion of the sperm-donor is the best answer.

*Chuckles*

Mommy35

replied on March 2nd, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

I think she should have spoke with the guy before she got pregnant and found out what his beliefs were. Maybe if she knew that he would want to send the child to Pakistan she would have started taking her BC again.

If I were in her shoes I would either abort or put the baby up for adoption.

Jules

replied on March 3rd, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

Thank you for all the replies!

Unfortunately, she did know before she got pregnant that her bf would want to send any child they had to Pakistan. She and I discussed all that when she told me he wanted her to have a baby. I told her I thought it was a bad idea, that if she had this man's child she would never be rid of him but...

Anyway, all I can do is just keep listening.

Thanks again guys Wink

Darkmoon

replied on March 3rd, 2008

Active User, very eHealthy

If she's living in America, her control freak boyfriend can't legally separate her from her child and leave the country with it unless he can prove her to be an unfit mother. I don't know what the relinquish laws are like in the UK. The downside is that in America a woman can't put her baby up for adoption without the father's consent (I'm a bit fuzzy on this rule when it comes to rapists...I'd hate to think a rapist could force a woman to mother a child after he'd already forced himself on her and forced pregnancy on her), so adoption probably won't be an option for her.

She has three choices as far as I can see. She can abort, she can have the baby and let the nuttjob take it from her in seven years time, or she can get lawful help and get protection for herself and the future child. If she can prove he would be an unfit father, she can have his parental rights stripped and therefore be able to relinquish for adoption without his consent (I assume...again I'm speaking of US law). It sounds like she doesn't want to relinquish at all, so unless she's capable of fighting legal battles to protect herself and the child she's expecting, she should probably arrange an abortion.

It's a really difficult situation and it's terrible that this man has her trapped like this. His privates need to be put in a vice. Yes, in a way she "asked for it" by consenting to unprotected sex with him after knowing all of this about him, but I'm wondering if she did it because she was too afraid not to comply. Everything about this smells like domestic abuse and I know that region of the world treats women. People come to the West expecting to get away with the things that are legal and acceptable in their country, thinking they can treat women the same way they do at home. It sickens me.

Birch

replied on March 3rd, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

If he took the kid without the mother's consent...isn't that kidnapping?

Mommy35

replied on March 3rd, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

I don't think it is kidnapping. I think parents have equal custody rights.

I remember when my daughter was young, her sperm donor threatened to take her to Florida. When I called the police I was told that until I had a court order stating that I had custody and he only had visitation there would be nothing I could do if he took her.

It's a very scary thing

manuftw82

replied on March 3rd, 2008

Supporter

I dont think he can take the child. Whenever my mom took me out of the country she had to have my dad sign a whole bunch of papers saying that he had knowledge of this and it was okay with him.

Snug

replied on March 3rd, 2008

Experienced User

Re: Friend with Unwanted Pregnancy

Please tell your friend to bear in mind that if the child is sent to Pakistan, with or without her consent, that's probably the last time she'll see her kid. Pakistan is not a signatory to the Hague Convention, and normally claims jurisdiction when the child is physically located in Pakistan, irrespective of how that came to happen.

If she wants to keep the baby, she needs to get the heck away from the boyfriend. If she wants to keep the boyfriend, she needs to think long and hard about having an abortion. It won't make their relationship better, trust me.

msrosie

replied on March 3rd, 2008

Experienced User

Even though I am very pro-abortion, I wouldn't recommend it in this situation, namely because the woman regrets her first one. If she regrets her first one, she'd regret any subsequent ones. Also, if this man is abusive, chances are he would lay a beating on her for aborting, unless she could convince him she'd miscarried.

The right thing for her to do, IMO, is to get away from him. Go to a women's shelter - I know up here, interval houses will help women get away from the area and relocate. If she could do that, and get a restraining order from him and an order of sole custody, then she would have some legal protection if he found her and tried to take the child out of the country.

How hypocritical of him to want a Muslim upbringing for the child, yet he evidently is not a good Muslim - it's my understanding they don't allow premarital sex.

I hope she can get away from him for good and go somewhere safe where she can raise her child.

manuftw82

replied on March 3rd, 2008

Supporter

Have you ever seen the movie "Not without my daughter" it reminds me of this, although it's not the same country its very very similar. Once that child enters Pakistan they probably will not come back. She needs to get away from him if she plans on keeping the child.

Jules

replied on March 4th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

I'm not sure of the legal situation regarding a parent taking a child out of the country but she and I have no doubts that her boyfriend would do so whether legal or not. He has now started demanding she remove her makeup and cover herself up too. Didn't seem to bother him before.

He's actually married to a Muslim lady but they're separated and he doesn't see the child from that relationship.

In all honesty, I think having a baby with this man is the worst thing she could do but knowing she's had an abortion before that causes her pain makes it tricky.

Thanks for the responses, I appreciate the input!

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