Relationships and Marriage Forum - Forgivecheating boyfriend ?

I wasn't gonna post this on the forum at all because i thought i could get over it by myself but i am finding it much more difficult than i thought i would.

to cut a long story short, i did a bad thing 2 weeks ago. i read my boyfriend Mike's journal. i don't know why i did it - he hadn't given me any reason to be suspicious. we're in a very comitted loving relationship. well that's what i thought anyway. i was really really shocked by what i found.

me and him started dating in september 2005, and there are various diary entries all the way up to december 2005 saying he is in love with Natalie(girl he used to work with) and he was bringing her back to bed with him after drunken work nights out and stuff. there was no sex, but they were naked in bed together on a few occasions. he is honestly and truly the last person i would ever expect to do something like this. i confronted him and over the course of a very emotional few days we argued and discussed it. it emerged that Natalie was someone he had a stupid obsession with - they were never going out, they never had sex, they just worked together and had a bit of a soft spot for each other. any time she had a fight with her boyfriend she would run to him and he was naive enough to let it happen. he says it only went on in the very early stages of our relationship and once he realised me and him had something special it all stopped. he says he wasn't in love with me back then but now he is and he would obviously never do anything like that now. i believe him. he's deleted her number and says he is happy never to see her ever again and he promises me i will never have to see her either.

shortly after i found out about it things got back to normal quite quickly. i forgave him. but over the last few days the paranoia and mood swings are creeping back. every day i think of something new about it that upsets me. I imagine little things like how his flatmate might have seen Natalie leave his room one morning and giving Mike the thumbs up as if to say "nice one, mate! score!". Thinking about how a lot of his friends probably knew about it long before me is really humiliating. i can't stop myself crying all the time. yesterday me and him were having sex and i was really enjoying it until i started thinking "yeah. f**k me like i'm Natalie!" and then i burst into tears. i want to be with him and i want us to put it all behind us. but i can't seem to look at him the same way anymore. i can't stop thinking about it and thinking about her. all the time. do you think that in time i will come to accept it was in the past and forgive and forget?

we are supposed to be going on holiday together this summer. we've been planning it for ages. the tickets have to be booked 2 weeks today. but i don't know if i should be making plans with him when i still feel this upset and unbalanced. any input from people who have had similar experiences would be really helpful to me.

Replies(11)

Willa Weintraub

replied on March 24th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

You know what, reguardless of the fact if he loved you at the time or not, you were still together and he still cheated. How can you trust him now? He has broken that trust and you will continue feeling the way you do until it's over. I'm afraid to say it but it's true. Some people *can* get past it but it's very hard. How do you know it's not recent?

fiona05

replied on March 24th, 2008

Supporter

well the way it goes is like this: we met in september, started going out, texting, etc. i accept that at the very start there was never any mention of us being boyfriend and girlfriend. so maybe if it was in the first month or so i wouldn't have minded so much. but by early november we were official. i remember cos us and a group of friends were out at a gig together, and one of my mates asked "so, Mike, are you and Fiona boyfriend and girlfriend, then?" and he said yes. Well i found out that the very night before that he had got drunk at a work do and she had stayed the night. he swears that was the only time, and nothing ever happened after we became official.

get this, this is the ridiculous bit!!

directly after i found out and we were arguing, he came over and he actually brought his diary over to prove that was the last time and said "look, read it, there's nothing after that date." but there was!!! i was able to point out a couple of other entries all the way up to mid december where she spent the night with him. you know what? he wasn't able to tell me anything about those nights cos he doesn't remember. can you believe that? can you believe he actually didn't remember? absolutely blows my mind.

well anyway, shortly after that he left work and Natalie disappeared off the radar. she was in an abusive relationship and had a child from that guy. 2 years on after breaking up with him she is making some sort of a reappearance. i think she is trying to get back old friends she lost and rebuild her life without her ex, so she has started hanging around with old work friends and stuff. catching up. Her and Mike and a bunch of old work friends have met up a few times since the new year. i think he feels sorry for her cos she's now a single mum and hasn't many friends. i've read every single one of his messages on his phone and there are a lot from her, but the ones he has sent back have been quite blunt, he hasn't been reciprocating any romantic feelings. i know nothing has happened between them recently but i still think it is grossly inappropriate that he has had any contact whatsoever with her after what he did.

he is really sorry. he knows how much he has messed up. he is trying so hard to make it up to me. i know he'd never do anything like this again. but i can't seem to forget it. i don't know if it gets easier with time or not.

Willa Weintraub

replied on March 24th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

You know, it doesn't get easier. My ex cheated on me and it was horrible. I tried to forgive him and after a bit I did but it *always* remained in the back of my mind what he did. I knew now after still being with him for another year (this has been over for quite some time now) that I would never trust him again and that was it. Once a cheater, always a cheater in my book. Yes people can change but *you* will always think differently since it happened. Being in a relationship where you constantly feel like you have to look over their shoulder or snoop through their things is so unhealthy. You deserve so much better than that.

You never thought he would do it in the first place, so why do you think he wouldn't do it again?

fiona05

replied on March 24th, 2008

Supporter

thanks so much for your post. i really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

i have no idea why mine is 'being reviewed'. what could i possibly have said? :S

i really don't know what to do. even my very close friends who know me and him well are saying we'll work it out. people who you'd think would tell me to ditch him are actually saying "look, you and Mike are the best couple we've ever known, you'll work through this." we are so well matched. we get on so well, so considerate towards each other. when people see us together they always comment on what a great couple we are. some have said "if you and mike ever split up, that will be my faith in couples gone." we are just made for each other. i know he sees a future with me, and i have always seen him as the man i would spend the rest of my life with, too.

i know that what he did was a stupid (probably drunken) mistake and i know it was ages ago. but you are so right - even though i trust him not to do anything remotely like this again, it has just changed the way i look at him completely. it's like he is a different person. there is a bit of him i don't recognise. i find it hard to look at him. this is so hard.

yeah i've started the snooping thing lol. i don't think he's gonna contact her again and he's deleted her number but she hasn't deleted his and i'm scared she'll be messaging or calling him. i read his messages when he's not looking. i never used to do that. not only that, but the other day i went through the call list on his mobile and noted down all the numbers that didn't have names next to them. thismorning i rang all those numbers to see if a girl picked up the phone. i'm turning into one of those people. it's not healthy at all.

i change my opinion on the matter so many times a day. 15 minutes ago i was thinking the only way out was leaving him and trying to piece my life together. five minutes ago i was asking myself how i could have ever thought of doing that. i love him.

this is completely the wrong timing for all this anyway. i'm at the very final stage of my university degree. i have 8 weeks left. i'm supposed to be working harder now than ever before, but i can't do it. i can't concentrate on anything. i cry all the time. i'm thinking of getting a doctor's appointment to see if they can put me on any anti-stress medication because i simply cannot get any work done in this state. i just want everything to go back to how it was before i knew about this. we were so happy together.

Willa Weintraub

replied on March 26th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

This is definitely not healthy. I did everything you say your doing now. It sucks and it is no way to live. People say that but they only see the surface of things. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. He may see a future with you yes but he still lied right to your face. He told you there were no further entries in his journal about him and that girl and even let you read it. He probably thought you wouldn't want to see it and take his word, or that you would just skim through and not notice. Don't let anyone guilt you into staying with him because you will crush their hopes for love. Read your last sentence.

You *were* so happy together. I think if you stay with him, it will just be drug out and you will feel even worss later on.

lonestarguy

replied on March 26th, 2008

Active User, very eHealthy

Fiona,

I am sorry to hear about this rift in your relationship with Mike. It is not a small thing that he did and he did admit that he was obsessed with the girl.

Being male, I think most men are confused when they are dating just how committed they really are. He probably rationalised at the time that you and he were not in love, so he was giving himself permission to be stupid and cheat.

The thing that worries me is your reaction to this situation because it's not healthy for you. It shows that you are not going to get over his mistake easily and you have a loss of trust that you may never get over. Throw in the thoughts you are having about the two of them together and your anger over not knowing about it sooner, and it might be time to call it quits for your own mental health.

You may never look at him the same way again and it will be difficult to trust him since he was so good at deceiving you before. Let me just say that the timing for something like this is never right because you feel like your whole world has been turned upside down.

No matter what you decide, make it quick so you can have some type of normalcy as you finish your degree.

Fairy Godmother

replied on March 27th, 2008

Supporter

I agree

TOUCHE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I totally agree with lonestar guy... Your education is far more important that this relationship. Once a cheater....always a cheater.....same as a PLAYA........... You need to concentrate on these last 8 weeks you have left........There are plenty of decent guys out there who will appreciate you and you wont ever have to feel the need to "snoop" again! Good luck!

lisa1970

replied on July 8th, 2008

New User

well i have to say ive been where your at , its not easy the only thing i have to say is your relationship will never be back to where you 1st started if it could be is it what you want , given that he was playing from the start , you may have been happy at the start but he really wasnt to do what he did hun , dont want to sound harsh but face reality . situation like this is just a mater ov time b4 they come to end , make it much easier on yourself now to be strong walk away from the pain hurt hes caused b4 you think all guys are the same , as they are not , you just yet have to find the 1 that appreciates you for who you are , no lieing , cheating , being naive , excuses. after reading how you feel its obvious your so mixed up confused due to how hes made you feel in your self so much you complain but reverse covering making excuses too for his actions for him , this guy obviously knows he can do what he likes due to you loving him so much . if outsiders can see it from you , he obviously can , so what you choose is your choice , either accept this guy as he is for how good he is at playing you , stop complaining or put up with it accept . guys are not all the same but you deserve much beter. stop making excuses for is actions which is excatly wot ur doing here.

fiona05

replied on July 30th, 2008

Supporter

when i posted here months ago, one of my posts was removed. i used a swearword to stress emphasis to what was already a very heartfelt post, but i bleeped it all out so i hadn't really sworn at all. i was looking for help and advice through a very difficult time, and i was so offended that someone, rather than helping me, chose to report something so petty. i was so offended in fact, that i haven't been back since.

i'm just posting to update.

me and him are still together. don't get me wrong, i do think about natalie almost once every day. but i don't feel angry at him anymore. it is in the past. i know to many it would seem like i am in a state of denial, but i am not. i know what he did and i have worked past it. what we have is too good to throw away.

he is working harder at our relationship than ever before. it is interesting to see the tables turn. years ago, it used to be me who chased him, but now he chases me. in a way it is impowering, but mostly it shows how dedicated he is to me and to our relationship. he knows never to step out of line like that ever again. but more importantly, he doesn't want to. and that is the most important thing to me.

we went on a great holiday recently, and a few days ago he asked me to move in with him, and i think i will. i see a future with him. even if it all messes up somewhere down the line then at least i won't be able to say i wasted my time with him... i am very happy, so it is not wasted time.

thanks to all who offered their help. incidentally, i did pass all my exams and i graduated.

Sukki

replied on September 7th, 2008

Experienced User

good luck to both of you!! ^^

savemymarriage

replied on October 12th, 2008

New User

Wow it sounds like you're going through a lot and I am so sorry about that. It sounds like you guys could definitely use help... But the thing about marriage counselors is that so many of them just want you to sit there and talk about all your past problems and you feel targeted during sessions. And even if you do accomplish anything, its usually how to "communicate effectively" which only makes you better roommates - NOT better spouses...instead of dealing with all of your problems, deal with how to move forward. Good luck with everything!

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