First true love, getting over her

Well my story has alot of different variables thrown in. I'm 17, shes 16. I'm going to start with the very beginning. I began high school and my buddy told me about these twins he had met. So I began talking to them both. One of these girls I began to hit it off with, to hide her name i'm going to say she was Jill. We became bestfriends and talked about everything, i wasn't really interested in her but she really meant alot to me as a friend, but I did start to like her twin sister. I liked her twin sister and she began to like me, it was nothing big. Jill was pretty hurt by this and she had told me she loved me. Jill's sister and I had something but then she went on to my bestfriend, so i was pretty hurt but I got over her. Jill was really helpfull for me, always there for me and we began to get even closer. I then realized I had a thing for her, and began to really have feelings for her, but I didn't want to date her because I figured if her twin would hurt me, why wouldn't she? I gave it about half a year and then my friends convinced me, she would NEVER hurt me, so we began dating.

Summer was great, we had the best of times, and then school came. When school came, so did the jealousy becuase I had trouble being confident in our relationship, I always thought she was to beautiful for me. I was okay and we had a good relationship until recently. Now remember Jill's twin? Well I went with Jill and her twin began to HATE me, she tried so hard to break us up, along with her mom. This was hard on me but Jill was strong and knew I was always there for her, so she didn't budge. But then track came, we began fighting alot, I couldn't see her everyday because I was so devoted to it. I put track ahead of her(my first big mistake) and I thought she understood. I wanted to go to states so I worked so hard, if I wasn't there, I was at the gym or home throwing up from a hard days practice. When we faught, I didn't want to hang out with her more and I told her, I didn't want to go over her house and get in a big arguement, it wasn't worth it. So since I was gone, she began hanging out with her twin. They went everywhere together and soon her twin got a boyfriend, no big deal right? Well heres the problem, Jill's twin always wanted Jill there with her, she likes the group thing. So Jill went with her, and little did I know, there was another boy there. So it was Jill, this boy, and Jills twin and her boyfriend. So almost like a double date. I didn't know it was just them 4 but I finally gave Jill my trust and accept that she wasn't going to do anything, she told me she wasn't like that. I was okay with it even though it irritated me sometimes and we got into fights. We faught alot and she tried to start over but I never realized it, and when I did I was so irritated I couldn't take her seriously. She began hanging out with him 3, 4, 5 times a week. I just couldn't handle it and couldn't treat her like I wanted to. We had our 1 year and things seemed great. We were crazy in love and I got her a gift that meant so much to her, or so I thought. About a week after our 1 year, we talked about everything, but she really wanted to talk to me in person and pushed for it. I came over to her house and was treating her the best I could because I knew she was upset and I knew I had to turn things around. I kissed her and she moved back, I rubbed her feet and she pushed away, I knew something was up so I talked to her. She began to tell me it was hard for her and that neither of us were happy so it was hard. I said thats fine and gave her the option, that we can fix everything and be together or we can go on a break. I really didn't think she'd say a break, but she did. I left her house very upset, but I didn't show her how i felt.

Later that next day, I couldn't go to school, she was in my last hour and I couldn't handle seeing her and knowing shes not mine. I waited for her to get home and talk to her. I told her the break wasn't going to help me it was only hurting, but she kept saying, she CAN'T do it. I got really upset and relaxed. The day after that, I didn't go to class again, I waiited for her to get home and talked to her. I BEGGED for her to just get back with me and fix things, I knew if we didn't get together soon, my trust would be gone and I wouldn't be able to get back to how we were. She said she can't and that she wanted to make herself happy first, and that she didn't need a guy in her life. That not I was pretty angry, I didn't get what I wanted. I said some things I really didn't mean. I told her she wasn't worth it to me and many things like that. She was hurt and I immediatly felt remorse. I went to class that next day, angry/upset/sad, every emotion there. The next day, I went to her in school and apologized, I told her I didn't mean it and that I wanted to be friends and if it built into more, I could be with her. I went to class that day and that boy that she was hanging out with 5 times a week was sitting in my seat, and when I came in, he left. I thought, thats pretty weird, he left fast. So I sat down and my friend behind me says, "we need to talk tomorrow in 3rd hour". I was scared, I knew something was up. I got really stiff and sat in my chair while the girl wrote me the note explaining everything. I got the note from her, and for a godo 15 minutes my teacher talked. He asked me several times what was wrong and I said nothing. The kid she had been hanging out with was nervous and wouldn't look at me in the eye across the class. And Jill was really wondering what was going on. I left class to go to the "bathroom" and read the note, I immediatly flipped out. The note said that they were dating, 3 days after we broke up! I went and got my bestfriend who was in the weight room at the time and let him read it, he flipped out. I couldn't go back to class and all the high school staff wouldn't let me go back because they were afraid I was going to punch the kid, even though I wasn't because I would be suspended from track. My teacher came out and talked to me and understood I wasn't coming back for the day. At the end of class, I walked in and walked past her and watched her face turn white. I said, "F*** you" and I thought I had a right to. I mean earlier that day she told me we could be friends and she would let it develop into more if it did! I went into class and talked to my teacher for a few, Jill called and I let me friend answer, she was flipping out because I said that to her. She said they weren't dating and she didn't like him. I was angry but I gave it a day and talked to her about it the next day. She told me there was nothing going on and that he just made her laugh when she was upset. So i was better, but then she came home at 9 that day, I asked him for his honesty on what was going on and they both told me, that night they had kissed and she told him she liked him. I was crushed. My first love that I had trusted so much had already moved on. I went to school the next day and was pretty upset, didn't do a whole ton and didn't pay much attention, I was so hurt. I talked to her and she said she didn't want to be friends becuase of the things I had said to her, I told her I apologized and I didn't mean any of it. I was very sincere. The day after that, I went to school, now my 5th hour has Jill's twin who hates me, she did everythign to make me feel bad about it, but I went to the next hour where Jill and her new guy were, and went as happy as could be, kind of like showing her I didn't need her, but I knew deep down I did.

So for the last few days, I cant eat, I cant sleep. It's so hard to even run track, I get way to dizzy. I had a track invitational yesterday and I nearly passed out, I knew I had to do something. I talked to her earlier that day and she said she wasn't IN love with me anymore, but she loved me as a person and that she had known it for a while. I asked why she didn't tell me before so I could fix it, and why she didn't tell me before I bought prom tickets or our 1 year. She didn't answer. So I was upset, and my friends found out I called her and they all were dissapointed in me. My parents came to my track meet to support me, and my friends told them to, made things even worse.

So ive been talking to her on myspace, back and forth for a while, trying to get the truth and everything out of her, asking her to be friends. She keeps telling me she needs space and to get over what I said to her. I understand but it's so hard, i've given her a week, and I don't know how much longer I can go. I have friends who are always here for me, the only time I am alone is when im going to bed, where I cry myself to sleep, and i'm not an emotional person in the first place. I used to go to bed at 2 or so on weekends, now I go to bed at 8 everyday because I wake up at 12, 2, 4, and 6 everyday for some reason. I go on myspace and shes always on at one point, so we talk for a little, but she still wants her space, even though I've apologized completely.


I have friends who want to jump Jill and her new guy that all offer it and I always so no, I want the best for her and I don't want her to hurt, is this right? Should I really care for her like I do even after all of this? She blamed the relationship on me saying I didn't care and I still want to go back to being friends with her, It feels right when I talk to her. I was okay for a little bit, but then I read a comment she left me a while back about how much she appreciates me as a friend and I died, I wasn't trying to read them, I was deleting them with a friend. I planned to go out to a party with my bestfriend and we were getting rid of everything that had to do with her. I deleted her off my phone, instant messanger, myspace but I had one comment that killed me. I went home, I couldn't go to the party I was so hurt. I never really partied before because when I had free time, I wanted to spend it with her, not at a party.

I talked to my brother who went through a similar relationship, and he gave me some great advice, and told me not to talk to her, but it hurts me more not to. Some of the worse things I have had to deal with are not talking to her, I can't do it. She was the one I could always call for help. When my dog died and I was pretty upset and couldn't talk to anybody because I was trying to be the strong one in the family, I called her. It was the middle of the night on a school night and she sat on the phone with me, just making me feel better. I find myself picking up the phone to dial her number but then I remember i can't do it, she doesn't want to talk to me.

I found out from very close friends that Jill's twin had been so excited that she broke us up and told my bestfriend who shes pretty good friends with, that she had tried to get Jill and her new guy together. I was crushed yet again. Jill hadn't put her faith into me like I had hoped.

Now I am here, by myself, without her in my life. I'm dying slowly inside and I cry everyday about it, I can honestly say I have never cried like this or felt anything remotely close. I lost my bestfriend of 4 years and my girlfriend I was crazy in love with. I don't know what to do anymore. Track regionals are soon and we have a chance of going to states for our relays, but without me healthy, it's going to be 100x worse. I don't know what to do, I want to be happy until then at least. I am going to be out of school soon too, which will make it harder because I won't be able to see her anymore. In class I just look at her when she doesn't notice and I think to myself, "shes so beautiful, what have I done?".

One of the worst things through all of this is that this new guy does play girls. Not only that, but hes moving a thousand miles away in a month, I know it will hurt her and as much as I want her to come to a realization, I don't ever want to see her hurt. Is there anyway I can get this across to her?

My friends keep telling me to just go to some parties and hook up with girls, I know that won't solve anything. They don't get it, I'm not like that, I really do care about her and if she hooked up(more then kissing) with a guy, Id be crushed, I wouldn't want to bug her even if it might not. Not only that, but I don't look at ANYBODY like I look at her. Nobody else stands out. Not only that, but we both were first for each other. She was my first kiss, I was hers. I lost my virginity to her, and likewise for her.

My real question is, what do I do? Im completely lost without her right now. Should I talk to her? Should I just call her and see how her day went once in a while? Should I do anything? I want to keep her my life, so I know many will say do not talk to her, but I want to at least stay friends with her. Please don't tell me to go eat something, I try and just get sick. I've lost close to 10 pounds and thats close to 7% of my body weight.

Edit: I didn't add this but she told me she doesn't miss me, and that shes not upset anymore. It could be true, but I thinks he misses our friendship. As friends I helped her alot, she was anorexic and I built her confidence enough for her to give up on that. My friends say not to message her becuase thats what she wants, but I really dont think she wants that. Opinions?

Thanks for everything, I know it's alot.