Don't quite know if this belong here, but here goes, it can be move....

On Mothers Day of this year I found my brother OD'd on Zhanex and Cocain, and unfortunately when I found him he was dead. (He is alive today, yes) On that day i found him I keep remembering it, so scared, so...idk how to explain it.

That day (or night) he was up with a friend of his, whom we named Bobby Hill(yes from the show) and he is the one through whom he got the narcotics. They had both taken them, but Bobby had only taken one, my brother taken two. (the Zhanex where the strongest you could get, the Bars where you took a piece off every 6-8 hours) My brother, along with whatever else he had taken, couldn't handle it all in his system. That night Bobby told me he just flopped down on his bed, almost like a ragdoll. (He said it was around 2 AM or so) I found him a few minutes after 5 in the morning, 5:26 (i remember looking at the clock) When i found him, he WAS a ragdoll. Palid in color and rapid shallow, rough breathing i knew something was wrong. At first i tried to wake him, and woke up my mom. I had my phone on me and shortly after called a friend (who happens to be Bobby Hills brother, James) who is also a registered nurse. He then called an ambulance and they came shortly after.

My brother was in the hospital for 4 days, 3 of them in ICU. They said if I hadn't found him he would have asphixiated(sp?) and died within an hour. They pumped things, liquid, out of his lungs that he had thrown up. If I hadn't found him, he would be dead today. As a ragdoll when i found him he was halfway off the bed, halfway on, i tried to move him (ended up dislocating my thumb so bad that it pressed against a vein and completely nummed it, but i didn't care at the time) and in doing so made it so that it helped him survive. (he threw up not long after, it would have killed him)

For 17 minutes he was officially dead, in a limbo that he said there was nothing...he just went to sleep. We don't know how long he was officially dead (clinically he was dead when he was brough it, and so that means he was dead when i found him because of a heart rate lower than anything possible almost. The doctors said it was a miricle.)

I can't stop remembering it...and earlier today me and my brother got into an argument and he said something that i can't forget...he said "I wish you would have just let me die."

I've had dreams, nightmares about this for months afterward. I wasn't a religious person, still am not, but I went against myself and begged whatever gods are out there to let him live. Me and my brother usually have always been close...he's been there to protect me, been there when i didn't have anyone else...in my hardest of times. When this happened i was devistated to the point that my family wouldn't allow me in the hospital most of the time untill he was out of ICU, and even then it was hard. He said things I will never forget.

I'm afraid, honestly, for him. When he got out of the hospital he was told of his heart condition (because it was damaged during) and now has the heart of an old man 3 times his age (he's 20).

I just don't know how to deal with it...I still don't. Everyone else pretends almost like it's nothing but to me it's not. if something like this ever happens again...idk what i'de do. Lose it. I just need someone to talk to but no one really want's to listen, just ignore the fact that it happened alltogether. I guess i need to tell someone, get it off my chest. I've never been a person to talk much so I keep things to myself...but i can't anymore. I need to tell someone...even if it's someone I don't know.