I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years. He is my best friend and i am his. he cheated on me 3 years ago and i forgave him. I say i forgave him but to be honest i have found it hard not to bring it up over the years. i knew he was lying about the full extent of what happened with the other girl and it made me so paranoid and insecure. Still i stayed with him because despite this he has treated me like a princess and has made genuine changes in our relationship- he prioritises me over friends etc and does eevrything for me. He always looks out for me and has tried hard to make ammends. I recently found out the full extent of what happened with the other girl 3 years ago...i found out when looking at his emails that he had gone over to germany to see the girl again after i found out and he knew i was heartbroken at the time. This has devastated me and has led me to believe that he is not a genuine person as he told me at the time that he was going away to sort himself out as he felt so guilty about what he had done. I have always questioned his fidelity and ability to be faithful as i know he is an insecure person who likes to be perceived as a womaniser by his male friends. i did feel though that he loved me and had probably changed. However the other day i found out that he had set up a profile on a dating page 2 years ago in which he described himself as a successful business man who is looking for erotic chat etc (i know that he is desperate to be perceived as this successful business man even though it is very doubtful as to whether his business will ever take off the ground). I did not see anything in the chat history etc but i still do not understand why he felt the need to set up the profile. i have also chatted to his friend (a guy i have become friends with too) and i felt like he was warning me about him- he told me that all their friends knows he loves me but they dont understand why he wont say that to them but instead acts like the macho man. He also told me that he lies to his friends and they feel he is very insecure and they wish he would stop trying to prove himself.

i do not like the person i have become in my relationship. i am very attractive and i have a good job etc but i have not been a reasonable girlfriend. i suppose i have allowed him to spoil me and i feel like i have become this ungrateful and extremely inconsiderate person with him. I am not sure if this is because i am so angry and hurt with him all the time or just because i am a drama queen.My instincts tell me that he will never be a faithful boyfriend...i believe he loves me and anyone who knows us thinks this but i think he is extremely insecure (due to childhood issues) and will always search for validation off other women. I know i need to leave him... i just dont feel strong enough. I feel guilty for the way i have behaved (and believe me i have been demanding and hard work) but i know that despite this i have been loyal and faithful to him over the years and i would never hurt or lie to him the way he has to me. he says he wants us to stay together and i know he will really miss our friendship as will i but i think i am with someone who lacks morals and who will cheat if they feel they will get away with it.i am not sure whether i am strong enough to leave him...i feel like my confidence is shattered as i feel guilty for my incessant nagging about our fidelity issues and my inabiity to appreciate things that he has done. i know that he wants our relationship as he spends all his time with me and looks after me so well (he would marry me tomorrow)...in that regard he has been a saint. it is so hard to leave someone that treats me so well but i just know that i cant avoid the warning signs any longer. what should i do....??? is it common for women to feel such guilt for reacting the way i have over the years? i know that if i HAD appreciated him all the times he collected me from nights out with friends and genuinely looked out for me that i would feel like he is an a**hole...because i did not appreciate him i feel guilty. I am not sure if i did not appreciate him because he has lied to me over the years about different things (he has an issue with honesty). All the lies have worn away at me and frustrated me....despite all these problems we have grown closer over the years, become more dependant on each other and i have become his best friend