I know you probably get a lot of people ranting out their problems and what to do but please... I know it's stupid, but if I could even just TELL someone...
Just to start off, there is a history of mental illness in my family, at least we think. My grandmother on my mom's side was never diagnosed, but received electro-shock treatment several times in her life and was hospitalized due to an unknown disorder, but they figured it was depression.
My father also suffers from anxiety-related stress and delusions, including hallucinations occasionally.
I've also been hospitalized before due to anxiety-related health problems, though these have been mild generally.
I've never seen a therapist.
Anyway, I currently am 20 years old and enrolled in college. I live in a house with two other roommates as well as sharing a room with my boyfriend. I'm a biology major, in my first year, and the school I go to is in my home state. My parents are still married and I'm an only child.
And, basically, I've been coming closer and closer to suicide every day.
I don't know where to begin, it's mostly just everything. Everything drives me crazy. I fluctuate between being unbearably angry, to unreasonably depressed, to just fine, which is what made me think bipolar.
I've always had these tendencies... to become depressed, I mean, although the anger is kind of new but according to my parents I've always demonstrated anger issues. I just feel like it's getting worse, but it's hard to say something like that.
We'll start with my boyfriend... I don't know if I love him. I mean, I think he's a fine person, I'm happy when I'm cuddling with him in silence, but anything else than that either makes me angry, depressed, or apathetic. I don't find any of his jokes funny anymore, when I used to love him for his humor. I don't find myself attracted to him or to anyone else, and anytime I start to get aroused, either with him or with myself, I quickly lose ambition.
I find the only way to "get off" I guess you could say is by distancing myself from the situation. I imagine I'm somewhere else, someone else, and with someone else and let my body do the rest. I find sex useless, unnecessary, and unenjoyable.
I have this desperate desire to get away from my life when I'm depressed or angry. Mostly, I want to break up with my boyfriend.
I don't know if this is because I've truly fallen out of love though, or if it's just because I know it would bring about drastic change.
I also just feel rejected by society. All of my closest friends moved to the East Coast to go to college, while I stayed behind. I had never really fit in with them, but now especially, I feel very distant. I get the feeling that they are all doing at least a few things that make them happy, while I do nothing.
I smoke a lot of weed, watch a lot of TV, spend a lot of time looking at stuff on the internet... and that's it.
I do my homework when I have to. I go out when I'm feeling pressured by my boyfriend or my roommates. But that's it.
I haven't even made any friends since I moved here a year and a half ago. I know people, people that I party with, but I don't call anyone or hang out with anyone, except people my roommates bring over.
And it's been a year and a half! Not one friend made.
Everytime I'm at parties, I get incredibly, incredibly bored unless I can find someone interesting to talk to. Usually, these "interesting" conversations are about something academic... psychology, politics, science... I love talking about science.
But I never make any friends. I never get close to any of them. There's never that... undefinable "connection".
It's like I can talk and charm people just fine, but when it comes to getting closer to them I can't at all.
I don't know, maybe it's because of loneliness, but I think about life a lot. What life means. I have these "patterns" that I identify in my head. Patterns of disappointment, patterns of depression...
I find myself thinking my life about to be overturned. News about North Korea, Iran, and Venezuela circulate through my brain often, and I find myself paralyzed at the thought of nuclear war or secret government operations.
And while I know that they aren't true, I've found myself in this limbo...
This inability to figure out what is real and what isn't. I mean, I know what I see in front of me, but the POSSIBILITY of it being something else seems just as likely. I don't believe in fate or god or even evolution anymore... I don't find concrete proof of anything, as I feel is customary to studying life science.
And while a part of me wants to run back to the life I used to know... not necessarily a life of "definite", but a life where I wasn't constantly feeling the meaninglessness of my existence.
I guess that's a big issue... I feel like my existence is meaningless. It doesn't matter if I shower or if I work out or if I eat or if I eat too much. It's like I don't care. I don't care if I love my boyfriend or not, because I can just have him be there and nothing will be "wrong".
I could be here or I could be in Moscow, but I firmly believe I'd feel the same way about the impermanence of life.
Which leads me to the suicide thing... I don't kill myself because I don't see the point... I wouldn't be able to escape anything.
I don't need to get away from abuse or failure or fear. Everything I am now will always be... at least somewhere, if that makes any sense. I can't get rid of what I am, nor will the world change.
I get the desire to, instead of taking pills or something, to just sit outside. To just sit, and think, and do nothing. To let myself wither away by the hands of the wind and water. To just absorb into the soil and forget about these stupid circles I put myself in.
I'm tired of thinking of patterns! I'm tired of recognizing the "ambiance" of my thoughts and realizing it's just a stage in some grand reaction. Everything always has a pattern, but the key is... the pattern never means anything. The pattern is never set, it just is. It's just as much there as it isn't there.
And you see these thoughts?
THESE thoughts keep me away.
I think about this at parties, during sex, while watching a movie. I guess truthfully the only reason I like weed is because when I smoke weed, and I mean when I'm actually smoking it, I don't think about this stuff.
It's all about the weed then.
Not in like... an addicted way. At least I don't think. It's like... I'm smoking weed, and I'm mildly addicted to weed, so my body HAS to enjoy it. Even if it's just a little bit.
I don't know, I think I put too much thought into why I smoke weed. It's a crutch, I think, just like everyone else has one. But I think the difference is that I really do use it to escape something... but not something external.
Something internal, I think.
Or maybe it is external!
My roommate is notorious for putting me down subtly, making jokes at my expense or being overly defensive about herself whenever I'm proud of my own accomplishments. My other roommate doesn't even care that I'm here. And my boyfriend...
I feel like he views me as a reflection.
I don't know, this is just a little bit, but I need to know if I'm crazy or if a lot of other people experience this.
I mean, I feel like sometimes I have this beast inside of me. Pushing on my chest and my throat to get out, and the only thing that makes me feel better is destruction. I break things, I throw things, I scream at people and point out there worst flaws, and I start to feel better... it's like I can feel myself devouring the pain and living off of it.
And sometimes, it feels like I'm nothing but ooze. Pushed down by the weight of the atmosphere on my shoulders, and my eyes can't really see anything and I don't recognize anyone. The pressure moves behind my eyes and in my throat and I don't just cry.... I let out horrible wails of anguish. I shake and I push, trying to get myself in front of some barrier... trying to push my way out of my own skin.
Both of these end in one of two ways:
the first is apathy. If I'm upset, I'll slowly become quiet and my head will clear of all thoughts. Suddenly, I feel fine, but certainly not happy. Not sad either. I see the walls and the people and the things as they are, with no judgement or thought.
It's hard to say how long this lasts.
The other way is I become excited. I find a target, usually myself, and vow to "fix it". Most common I try to fix myself. I've made thousands and thousands of lists of things I want to do to myself. "Run every day" "Draw one illustration every day" "Go to all classes" "Brush teeth, floss, scrape tongue, wash face, tone face, moisturize face, do makeup, do hair, put on clothes, eat green tea and a piece of fruit ONLY"
I come up with new goals... goals that I never, EVER accomplish, such as trying to work out more, trying to make myself more beautiful, coming up with a new, hipper wardrobe.
Sometimes I target someone else, though this rarely happens. It's always when fighting over a boy. I like some boy, some other girl likes him too, she wins him and I seek to "crush" her. In mild cases of jealousy, I just stalk them online, talk !**@! about them behind their backs, and mold myself into whatever it is they want to be.
If it's some hipster girl, I become the ultimate hipster, just to watch even a single moment of her feeling "outdone".
In one severe case, I would drive by this girl's house any time I could, just to see what she was up to. She claimed to have slept with my boyfriend and even now when I see her face I feel like dying.
I just don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
When I write it down, it seems pretty obvious, but I'm just... I'm too tired to deal with this.
I go between overeating and not eating at all.
Every night, I'm plagued by this horrible dreams... they're nightmares, but I enjoy them. It's like... a masochistic feeling.
When I was little, I used to ponder why people thought bad things should be avoided. Things like murder, rape, genocide... I always wondered WHY people hated them. I knew they made me feel sick, but why? Why couldn't they be enjoyed? I figured something must enjoy them.
THen, in my teen years, I imagined I was that thing. Some dark thing, some demon, meant to be hated and shunned. Like I was Dr. Mengele in his teen years or something. Like... as if I knew when I grew up I'd be like this.
This beast inside of me... it feels like it is me.
It feels like these crazy thoughts are actually the truth, and that's my problem. I'm not wrong, everyone else is. At least, I think that's what I'm thinking.
I've thought everything... from believing I'm the Messiah to believing I'm meant to end humanity. I want to fight terrorists, yet I also want to create biological weapons to inflict on the masses.
By the way, I've never hurt another person. I've never even gotten into a fight with anyone except my parents and my boyfriend. I've raised my voice at someone once in the past.... well, forever, I think.
I've never asserted my ideas onto someone I mean, except my parents and my boyfriend. I don't even dream about physical violence! Well, I dream of receiving it but never giving it. I don't think I've ever even landed a punch in my dreams or fantasies.
I'm sorry this post is so long.... I kind of just went with what thoughts were coming, because otherwise it gets very difficult to talk about my emotions without over analyzing them.
Does this sound like bipolar disorder to anyone else? I have no experience with the disease, so I don't know if I should see a doctor or what.
I'm absolutely sure that you should see a doctor urgently. I have experience with Bp,lots of things you say sounds like Bp (lack of feelings for your bf, not wanting too much contact, rages, etc, but only a doctor will tell you. Please see one, you sound weird.
i was diagnosed with bipolar 2 yrs. ago because i was hospitalized with a major depression for it. the meds helped, and i stopped taking them 4 months ago, which is why consequently im reading this and i identify with a lot of what you said. i shared a lot of the same thought patterns and beliefs, and it seems like you have a good insight that maybe reality and delusional thinking are getting mixed, so as a third party, i strongly suggest seeing someone for help. if not your feelings will continue to feel misplaced or apathetic as you stated, if there is some kind of chemical imbalance. i've experienced mild delusions, suicidal thoughts, apathy, anger, impulsive thinking, and the wanting to escape my body like there is a hole in my chest and i can't even breathe, and i want to die. so, sounds like you are having a similar experience to a diagnosed bipolar person. And sometimes the fight is outside and within, and the stresses of life i believe can create the imbalance too. whatever the cause, good luck, and i wish you the best. im only 2 years older than you, but the sooner you take care of it the better your life will be, and there most definitely is reason to live. and i don't like the other post that said you were "weird", who are they to judge you? they obviously have issues of there own, best of luck hun <3
I don't know how you are doing now, considering how old your post is ... but I'll reply anyway. Cuz let's face it, I need to get !**@! off my chest too.
You are like my twin.
I'm a biology major. I'm stuck on stupid questions normal people either A) don't ask or B) sure as heck don't answer. I listen to angry rap whenever I'm down, questioning what the heck any of this even means. What's even real? Am I even gonna be alive tomorrow? I don't smoke weed, but I definitely get the urge to start again ... weed is a beautiful escape, but a definite crutch. You are spot on there.
The phases between a beast about to tear right out of you and an apathetic oozing out of the meaningless world around you ... I get it. Especially the part about the temper and the need to throw, hurt, scream, and destroy. And the best part is that I am a petite girl who still looks high-school aged (I'm in college, like you). So ESPECIALLY when it comes to dating, it's such a shock that most people don't know how to react. Not that most people get that close. I don't do friends either. Used to, but after relocating for school to the middle of nowhere, what the heck is the point?
Anyways, you've already said all that, so I'll cut to the chase. You need to get help, just like me. Intelligent people typically suffer the most people they cannot settle on a stupid sort of blind "happy." But you don't have to live like this. Reach out to the few people that know how bad it can get for you ... I know that person is my parents. Why? Cuz they're equally crazy and I get it from them. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend knows you very well, but have you at least tried reaching out to him? You'd be surprised ... sometimes, others looking from the outside in have insight that you missed just because you were caught in your own little world. Give it a shot. And get new roommates. The way I talk about my roommate, my mom actually has told me, "Good job on not cutting her up into pieces, stuffing her in a box, and shoving her out the back of your car on the highway." Don't deal with it. Living with someone you hate ALWAYS makes life harder, especially with other stuff going on. I hope since your post you've made some adamant changes. I mean that in the sincerest way, because I am an equally angry, intelligent girl hoping there's hope for people like us.
Wow, i was just aabout to write saying I hope you feel better now since this is an old post. when i found this reply. I hope you both feel better. Bi-polar is hard enough to deal with when you have treatment but without it-I can't imagine how you feel.Hope you can get some help soon if you haven't already. I really feel for you.Good luck. let us know how you're doing.