Ive suffered with severe depression since I was 14 (8 years ago) and thought I had it under control, Im on 60mg of Citalopram, which seemed to help.
Last month I got made redundant, which has thrown my life into turmoil. I now feel completely useless, as well as all the usual feelings I get with my depression. I have also been actively suicidal, as I see no other way out. I have talked to my GP, my counsellor, done everything I can, but no-one seems to understand, or to be able to help. Ive recently developed a fear of going to bed, since being alone with my thoughts is a very dangerous time for me. Even the usual stuff like writing it down makes me feel so much worse. Im also tired of people telling me that its going to be ok, its going to get better, because, at the moment, it isnt. No-one wants to employ me because I was made redundant on medical grounds, and my sick record is absolutely appauling because of the same condition.
Im now exhausted all the time, confused (even this post is all over the place, so apologies to whoevers reading it) am crying more often than not, feel so alone because I have no friends or anyone close I can relate to, now have no work to keep me occupied, and it takes up so much energy to pretend to my overbearing family that Im doing ok, when Im not, something which I have to do since my mum and nan also both suffer with depression, and if they find out how im feeling, they blame themselves, and it makes me feel even worse. Talking to people also doesnt help, 9 times out of 10 theyre optimistic people who have never felt this way and couldnt possibly understand.
Ive been trying for the past 8 years to see a point to life. With no friends, no relationship, and no job, if feels like there isnt one. And I dont know what to do.
I know how you feel when you say life feels pointless.
With life being so repetative and pretty much being the same thing everywhere you go. With people being cruel and shallow, just nothing seems to grab my interest. I find that the best thing for me, that maybe you could try, is to just simply come to terms with what life is in your eyes. Not what everyone else says, that life is so great and all, but to except that life is not perfect. That there will be a lots of hard times to come. But also except, that you are alive, and people do need you. and that happniess does exsist and you can achieve it. and just be prepared to brush off the bad moments to come, and try your hardest to find happiness in your own way. I know your lonely. and it''s damn hard. But maybe you can make up some new dreams and small goals for yourself. Like Traveling? You can do that on your own or with your family, or maybe joining a charity group, so you feel like your doing some good. You could try going back to school and get a job working with kids who have depression, because you know how it feels, you could really help them. You could make a difference in their life. Or even more simple things like going for a walk outside. I personally always feel more at peace when Im walking in a park and close to nature. I also know how it feels to be unsocial, so if talking to people is not your thing, you could try owning a pet like a dog and take him for walks at the park. Golden retrievers are super friendly and easy to train and if your allergic you could try shi tzu''s because they''re non-allergic. Im sorry for how you feel. I personally feel, afraid to live and afraid to die. I hate myself, yet I feel like I have a right to be here. And the bottom line is that I do have the right to be here. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HERE, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HAPPY. Put yourself out there, you may get hurt again, and have to start all over again, or you may find what you always wanted. Either way... if you dont give up and try to approach life with a new positive outlook, you will eventually find what you want.
Oh, and one last thing is that your family may be overbearing because they are depressed. They may feel like they are losing control of themselfs so they desperatley try to control everything and everyone around them. Maybe you could try doing something kind for them, or a loving gesture, (even if it's not common for you to do so), it may put a smile on their face and also on yours. and about the not sleeping at night, go buy a positive meditation CD and listen to it before bed. it helps me
I know exactly what you are going through right now,I have been there myself and not that long ago either.I attempted to take my own life twice in one night ,4 weeks ago but I am still here and now I am fighting back.
I was made redundant nearly a year ago but today I went for an interview for a trainee managerial position in a firm ,baring in mind that this is the first interview that I have managed to secure in 6 months, and I got shortlisted for a second interview,I know this isn't set in stone but it helps just getting this far.
My point is that I was feeling worthless ,betrayed and generally let down by every one I knew and even people I didn't know (Paranoid).
I ended up admitting myself into a psychiatric hospital after I tried suicide and very nearly succeeded .
While I was there I noticed that there were a lot of patients who were worse of than myself but you know what helped me through the ordeal just helping some of those that were less fortunate.
I was diagnosed with psychotic depression having ticked all the boxes as to the symptoms of this condition but with the help and support of the staff and nurses on the ward I learned that I AM WORTH SOMETHING ,I CAN BE A PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY.Even when I myself was ready to give up on society and for that matter humanity itself.
My point is that we all go through some trying times within our lives,the question is "WETHER YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH TO COME THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE,WHEN YOU DO,AND YOU WILL YOU WILL BE A BETTER PERSON".
You have to learn to change your mindset and way of thinking.I am not lecturing you because you have probably heard it over a million times from your councillor and family but it is true about cognitive thinking.You just haven't got to the phase where everything that they are saying does make sense .
"DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF ,THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT HAVEN'T GIVEN UP ON YOU"!
Things will turn around for you wait and see.I know you can do it and deep down inside you know it yourself!
Many responders do know how you feel, I know I do in many respects. Except there are differences, I have spent most of my life trying to "re-program" myself. And there comes a point when I have to realize that this is apart of me. The melancholy, the deep-dark and the shallow-blue, it is me. But that's not all there is. I am terribly awkward with people but I'm kind. I'm observant because I've been cut off from people for such a long time. It's worth it to try and struggle through these feelings. I currently feel like a hypocrite because I am feeling very similar to how you feel right now. "There's no point", "Everyone's the same", "I would rather die than be unwanted...", "...but I don't want to die alone", etc.
I agree with most of what Faith777 said. Another viewpoint (mine) is that you aren't entitled to be here. You have to earn it. You have to win your happiness through the hardwork necessary to overcome it. I say this to myself, which can be quite harsh but we're already in a harsh place of hurt and disappointment and disillusionment. We have to toughen up, even if just enough to function and really ask if life is worth living. Asking it when you're feeling down is an invitation to failure. Give life your best shot, learn about yourself and learn that "alone" isn't something that has to be so bad, when we manage it ourselves. I choose to be alone sometimes because I know I still need it. Then I ask if life is worth living, I gave it more than my best shot and I'll keep asking it.
To literally not be alone, find a singles group, a hobby, a (I hate to say it because of my own beliefs but it can be a very positive environment -) a church, a college class, anything. With all your spare time, regular exercise has chemical benefits that, in a positive way, can be your addiction. The endorphines and dopamine, etc flood your brain when you exercise and stay active. Dark chocolate stimulates a small amount of those chemicals (at least from what I read...lol).
My wisdom for you, in my limited human experience is what I have to tell myself every second on days like today, and fewer depending on where I'm at emotionally and mentally at the time, is: "Just take the next breath. Just deal with the next thought. If the past is pain and the future is undefined to the point that I can't look forward to it, live in the moment."