Ive suffered with severe depression since I was 14 (8 years ago) and thought I had it under control, Im on 60mg of Citalopram, which seemed to help.
Last month I got made redundant, which has thrown my life into turmoil. I now feel completely useless, as well as all the usual feelings I get with my depression. I have also been actively suicidal, as I see no other way out. I have talked to my GP, my counsellor, done everything I can, but no-one seems to understand, or to be able to help. Ive recently developed a fear of going to bed, since being alone with my thoughts is a very dangerous time for me. Even the usual stuff like writing it down makes me feel so much worse. Im also tired of people telling me that its going to be ok, its going to get better, because, at the moment, it isnt. No-one wants to employ me because I was made redundant on medical grounds, and my sick record is absolutely appauling because of the same condition.
Im now exhausted all the time, confused (even this post is all over the place, so apologies to whoevers reading it) am crying more often than not, feel so alone because I have no friends or anyone close I can relate to, now have no work to keep me occupied, and it takes up so much energy to pretend to my overbearing family that Im doing ok, when Im not, something which I have to do since my mum and nan also both suffer with depression, and if they find out how im feeling, they blame themselves, and it makes me feel even worse. Talking to people also doesnt help, 9 times out of 10 theyre optimistic people who have never felt this way and couldnt possibly understand.
Ive been trying for the past 8 years to see a point to life. With no friends, no relationship, and no job, if feels like there isnt one. And I dont know what to do.
I know how you feel when you say life feels pointless.
With life being so repetative and pretty much being the same thing everywhere you go. With people being cruel and shallow, just nothing seems to grab my interest. I find that the best thing for me, that maybe you could try, is to just simply come to terms with what life is in your eyes. Not what everyone else says, that life is so great and all, but to except that life is not perfect. That there will be a lots of hard times to come. But also except, that you are alive, and people do need you. and that happniess does exsist and you can achieve it. and just be prepared to brush off the bad moments to come, and try your hardest to find happiness in your own way. I know your lonely. and it''s damn hard. But maybe you can make up some new dreams and small goals for yourself. Like Traveling? You can do that on your own or with your family, or maybe joining a charity group, so you feel like your doing some good. You could try going back to school and get a job working with kids who have depression, because you know how it feels, you could really help them. You could make a difference in their life. Or even more simple things like going for a walk outside. I personally always feel more at peace when Im walking in a park and close to nature. I also know how it feels to be unsocial, so if talking to people is not your thing, you could try owning a pet like a dog and take him for walks at the park. Golden retrievers are super friendly and easy to train and if your allergic you could try shi tzu''s because they''re non-allergic. Im sorry for how you feel. I personally feel, afraid to live and afraid to die. I hate myself, yet I feel like I have a right to be here. And the bottom line is that I do have the right to be here. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HERE, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HAPPY. Put yourself out there, you may get hurt again, and have to start all over again, or you may find what you always wanted. Either way... if you dont give up and try to approach life with a new positive outlook, you will eventually find what you want.
Oh, and one last thing is that your family may be overbearing because they are depressed. They may feel like they are losing control of themselfs so they desperatley try to control everything and everyone around them. Maybe you could try doing something kind for them, or a loving gesture, (even if it's not common for you to do so), it may put a smile on their face and also on yours. and about the not sleeping at night, go buy a positive meditation CD and listen to it before bed. it helps me
I know exactly what you are going through right now,I have been there myself and not that long ago either.I attempted to take my own life twice in one night ,4 weeks ago but I am still here and now I am fighting back.
I was made redundant nearly a year ago but today I went for an interview for a trainee managerial position in a firm ,baring in mind that this is the first interview that I have managed to secure in 6 months, and I got shortlisted for a second interview,I know this isn't set in stone but it helps just getting this far.
My point is that I was feeling worthless ,betrayed and generally let down by every one I knew and even people I didn't know (Paranoid).
I ended up admitting myself into a psychiatric hospital after I tried suicide and very nearly succeeded .
While I was there I noticed that there were a lot of patients who were worse of than myself but you know what helped me through the ordeal just helping some of those that were less fortunate.
I was diagnosed with psychotic depression having ticked all the boxes as to the symptoms of this condition but with the help and support of the staff and nurses on the ward I learned that I AM WORTH SOMETHING ,I CAN BE A PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY.Even when I myself was ready to give up on society and for that matter humanity itself.
My point is that we all go through some trying times within our lives,the question is "WETHER YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH TO COME THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE,WHEN YOU DO,AND YOU WILL YOU WILL BE A BETTER PERSON".
You have to learn to change your mindset and way of thinking.I am not lecturing you because you have probably heard it over a million times from your councillor and family but it is true about cognitive thinking.You just haven't got to the phase where everything that they are saying does make sense .
"DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF ,THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT HAVEN'T GIVEN UP ON YOU"!
Things will turn around for you wait and see.I know you can do it and deep down inside you know it yourself!
Many responders do know how you feel, I know I do in many respects. Except there are differences, I have spent most of my life trying to "re-program" myself. And there comes a point when I have to realize that this is apart of me. The melancholy, the deep-dark and the shallow-blue, it is me. But that's not all there is. I am terribly awkward with people but I'm kind. I'm observant because I've been cut off from people for such a long time. It's worth it to try and struggle through these feelings. I currently feel like a hypocrite because I am feeling very similar to how you feel right now. "There's no point", "Everyone's the same", "I would rather die than be unwanted...", "...but I don't want to die alone", etc.
I agree with most of what Faith777 said. Another viewpoint (mine) is that you aren't entitled to be here. You have to earn it. You have to win your happiness through the hardwork necessary to overcome it. I say this to myself, which can be quite harsh but we're already in a harsh place of hurt and disappointment and disillusionment. We have to toughen up, even if just enough to function and really ask if life is worth living. Asking it when you're feeling down is an invitation to failure. Give life your best shot, learn about yourself and learn that "alone" isn't something that has to be so bad, when we manage it ourselves. I choose to be alone sometimes because I know I still need it. Then I ask if life is worth living, I gave it more than my best shot and I'll keep asking it.
To literally not be alone, find a singles group, a hobby, a (I hate to say it because of my own beliefs but it can be a very positive environment -) a church, a college class, anything. With all your spare time, regular exercise has chemical benefits that, in a positive way, can be your addiction. The endorphines and dopamine, etc flood your brain when you exercise and stay active. Dark chocolate stimulates a small amount of those chemicals (at least from what I read...lol).
My wisdom for you, in my limited human experience is what I have to tell myself every second on days like today, and fewer depending on where I'm at emotionally and mentally at the time, is: "Just take the next breath. Just deal with the next thought. If the past is pain and the future is undefined to the point that I can't look forward to it, live in the moment."
I have read your post and I am going through the exact same thing right now. Everything was called to a halt when i was diagnosed i have a depression. Everytime people approache me thinking im doing fine, but inside its like i never fit in. Its like im invisible, and undecided. I want to grab chances, but then something tells me i cant because ill be judged by judgemental people.
Im 25 and very depressed. Everyone around me is moving on and everyone around me is getting to the goals that i feel like i could never reach but would love to reach. They all say its gonna be ok and that its going to be better, but why a part of me does not believe it is the strange part of myself.
On my 25th birthday i was diagnosed with a light autism. It came to me like a bomb, because i always believed i was fine and had nothing to worry about. Now i know where to blame my bad social skills to,I never had friends that i can call true friends, Each time i believed i had friends i got dissapointed in one way or another, or used for my kindness and socially endured alot of bullying from others and abuse, regardless of all that,i keep having 2 sided fights with myself.
Im in the similar same issue right now, And i myself have no clue how to fix it. I try to go back to school, to acchieve something for myself, and i try to make the best of things. But each time i see my family happy i wonder how it feels to be happy, how it feels to not being able to think to deeply about life itself and its fearfullness. Right now everyone is moving on, and it is as if im still nailed stuck on the same rock for 10 years.
Right now i noticed that when i travel alone i feel more alive each time i go somewhere on my own. I feel more comfortable not knowing what happens to me when i go somewhere, to not being able to predict scenes in my head that make me anxious and scared. At some point maybe the key is to go out and find yourself back. But that is still something im trying to find out.
If you need someone to talk to, about anything who is also struggling with acceptance, tolerance of others, hiding behind masks, and getting tired of being someone your not, just so you can experience what you wish to experience, You can always think your not the only one wearing the masks. Your never alone in this subject, and somewhere in this world the thing that will make you ''You'' You might aswell find it somewhere. Just like me, i will hold on to my will of knowing that something or someone or somewhere, i will find a place to fit in. Even if it is not in my comfort zone.
With that i hope this may be something to help you, Regardless that you might have heard so many times that so many people had similar experiences like this. There is ALWAYS... A light at the end of a long...seemingly endless Tunnel of darkness. And when that tunnel ends, Youll find what your looking for , even if it may not be entirely what you were expecting. The greatest things in life, happen unexpectingly.
So..try to occupy your mind as much as you can muster, read a book before you go to sleep to give your brain some excersize, Run a few blocks in the morning, i heard it builds up positive spirits, Also go get coffee or thee outside instead of staying inside the house, When you get out of your routine...things will follow up into place is what ive always been told. And this is what im doing right now too..And it feels better, then feeling useless emotionless and like a rock inside the house eating my emotions away, getting more sick and becoming more dependant on others. Im trying to help my useless life to become a bit less useless... Give it a try, and another try..and keep on trying even if your mind and body say no.. just ignore your own old routine..and create a new one..
It wont be easy, its deffinately a struggle, but when your through the struggle...It will get easier to acchieve your goals and inspire yourself to do something less useless, Your family, loves you, they too know how it feels, they just dont show it. Everyone knows how it eventually feels, everyone will go through that stage of depression. And so your never alone and everyoen will know who says it will be better, and who says it will be okay, that they are just lieying to themselves.
Because the only time it will ever get better, is when you can believe in yourself, and that you believe there is still a spark of hope, and that there is more then enough love and acceptance for you.
And I know we dont even know eachother. But my personal message to you is, '' Don't give up, Your accepted, your loved, your amazing in your own way, Your unique, Your special, you deserve to be alive, to give others your abilities, your strength, your compassion your love and your care, You deserve to Live, Because you are unique, and something about you, is keeping you here, and that something, is something you will have to find out, Whenever you know what you are, where your from, how you feel, how you see things, how you tolerate , accept and love things, how you enjoy little or large things, how you can see what others do not see, and how you can place yourself, below another to become as depressed as you are right now. I am in your shoes. I see up close and from afar. That you like everyone else, has earned a place in this circle of life. And that the only thing we both have to do, is find it. And when we do. We cant be beaten. But until then, You will struggle for a long long time. But know your not alone, and there are more then just you and me, out there, writing this same thing, only then some more detailed and deeper then others.''
I hope you find your way, I might find mine as i go aswell.