Why do I always believe she won't surviveÂ ? Why will I not focus on myselfÂ ? Why do I always put her grief in front when I should focus on the back of my soulÂ ?
It almost seems easy and hurt-less to leave her. But that's the trouble in itÂ : I don't want to Â«Â leaveÂ Â» her, I would like to erase our relationship in her. I would like to be erased from her for a moment, to be able to think without being constantly reminded that she will suffer.
Suffer she will eventually, as she has before.
I can try to convince myself as long as I want. My feelings will be shut out completely by my Â«Â reasonableÂ Â» thoughts.
She's a fine girl, i like her very much. She's so perfect for me. Why can't I just love herÂ ? Does she really love meÂ ? Why couldn't I pull our first separation throughÂ ? Why did she ever come back to meÂ ? What is it that pulls us togetherÂ ?
Every time my feelings reach me, I feel my guts knot themselves up.
I think when I spoke to her mother, that it was the truth, that it was my feelings coming up. I said I never thought our relationship would last forever.
Now I tell her I miss her, which is kind of true, and that I love her, which may seem true, but is not. Actually, I don't really miss her. I miss her company. I miss being with someone. I miss being understood, and I miss being held and embraced.
I can't hold it up any longer. Why didn't I listen to my friend when she told me it wasn't a good idea to get back to her ?
Why is she so afraid of treason ? Is it because she feels I wouldn't come back ? But holding me close will not make me hold on to her. It won't work. Why is she trying to hold on to me, knowing I will break free one day ?
If she loves me like she says, should I just stay with her ?
It will destroy us, eventually.
Someone must read this and help me. Please.
Actually I know what must come next. I must tell her. But she won't believe, she won't really believe.
I'm afraid of telling her. I'm afraid of her missing me, and me missing someone, and being alone. I don't want her to miss me. I can't bear the thought of her crying her soul out because of me. Because of me not wanting to be with her anymore.
I so want to just be with her and love her like she needs and merits.
I can't do it. I almost did it, but at the time I didn't realise that we really were not meant to be together forever. She believed, and still believes that we will grow old together.
Why do I so much not want to tell her so it won't hurt her ? I know it will be worse later, much worse. It's already much worse than 6 months ago.
Maybe if I manage to tell her I will find my peace again ? Maybe I will be able to sleep well again ?
Maybe our story should have ended a year ago. Maybe it never should have begun at all ?
How can she be so sure it's me she wants for life, and I'm here not wanting to admit it's her I definitely will not want.
the name you chose to put here says it all. i wish she can find someone who deserves to be with her and not use her to get into her pants and after the product test and alotta retrials, decides that there is someone new in the world to test the waters with. Only women bleed, so true