Why do I always believe she won't survive ? Why will I not focus on myself ? Why do I always put her grief in front when I should focus on the back of my soul ?
It almost seems easy and hurt-less to leave her. But that's the trouble in it : I don't want to « leave » her, I would like to erase our relationship in her. I would like to be erased from her for a moment, to be able to think without being constantly reminded that she will suffer.
Suffer she will eventually, as she has before.
I can try to convince myself as long as I want. My feelings will be shut out completely by my « reasonable » thoughts.
She's a fine girl, i like her very much. She's so perfect for me. Why can't I just love her ? Does she really love me ? Why couldn't I pull our first separation through ? Why did she ever come back to me ? What is it that pulls us together ?
Every time my feelings reach me, I feel my guts knot themselves up.
I think when I spoke to her mother, that it was the truth, that it was my feelings coming up. I said I never thought our relationship would last forever.
Now I tell her I miss her, which is kind of true, and that I love her, which may seem true, but is not. Actually, I don't really miss her. I miss her company. I miss being with someone. I miss being understood, and I miss being held and embraced.
I can't hold it up any longer. Why didn't I listen to my friend when she told me it wasn't a good idea to get back to her ?
Why is she so afraid of treason ? Is it because she feels I wouldn't come back ? But holding me close will not make me hold on to her. It won't work. Why is she trying to hold on to me, knowing I will break free one day ?
If she loves me like she says, should I just stay with her ?
It will destroy us, eventually.
Someone must read this and help me. Please.
Actually I know what must come next. I must tell her. But she won't believe, she won't really believe.
I'm afraid of telling her. I'm afraid of her missing me, and me missing someone, and being alone. I don't want her to miss me. I can't bear the thought of her crying her soul out because of me. Because of me not wanting to be with her anymore.
I so want to just be with her and love her like she needs and merits.
I can't do it. I almost did it, but at the time I didn't realise that we really were not meant to be together forever. She believed, and still believes that we will grow old together.
Why do I so much not want to tell her so it won't hurt her ? I know it will be worse later, much worse. It's already much worse than 6 months ago.
Maybe if I manage to tell her I will find my peace again ? Maybe I will be able to sleep well again ?
Maybe our story should have ended a year ago. Maybe it never should have begun at all ?
How can she be so sure it's me she wants for life, and I'm here not wanting to admit it's her I definitely will not want.
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