so don't give up. she's confused...so help her make up her mind! i think that you came into her life for a reason. if you give up, then both of you lose. if she is really the one for you, wouldn't she be worth fighting for? i'm not suggesting you "fight", but just don't give up. if she wasn't tempted by you, then she wouldn't have been looking at you and being so nice. she'd have never paid you a second worth of attention...but THAT DID NOT HAPPEN! what happened was that she gave you feedback that indicated that she could be your girl!

i say go out there and get your girl!
jasmine

I know your correct in everything you have said there. I just dont know what to do to get her. Well besides just carry on being myself and being nice to her and friendly and chatty and HOPE that she falls for me. But theres just nothing I can do to control her feelings for the other guy.

you don't have to control her feelings for the other guy. YOU need to forget the other guy. i think this girl is attracted to you already...so all you have to do is be more available than the other guy...be more fun than the other guy...be more likeable/loveable than the other guy...be there for her when she has a bad day more than the other guy...

the reason i mention this to you is because i was dating a guy when i came across my present b/f. we had a very similar situation. i was faithful to my old b/f, but the new guy just made himself so attractive to me, i was MOTIVATED to end the relationship with the old b/f.

the new b/f was just more "me". he thought more like me, he liked my friends more, everyone else liked him more, he was kinder to me, he was always there for me, and in the end, he GOT ME! without knowing all about you and your girl...i can't tell you exactly what steps to take, but i can tell you that walking away will not get you your girl.

you need some "face time" with this girl...good luck!
jasmine

Jasmine your words are most enlightening. Thank you.

The thing is, while we work in the same direct sub-group as each other, we dont spend all the time together. Due to the nature of the job we spend a lot of our time out at clients, so when I'm in the office she mightent be, and visa versa. So sometimes we may end up going possibly as much as 2 months without seeing each other in work. That makes it hard to develop a relationship. Since she has started I've actually only seen her in the office one day out of the 3 weeks or so that she has been here. Its mainly down to the many social nights this time of year that I'm getting to see her. We are all going out together this friday again.

I'm just struggling to pick myself up and lift my spirits after last friday. I do tend to beat myself up over stuff like this. I just cant help it. Its just disheartening. Like one of my good mates can have any girl he wants whenever he wants, while I've spent my life being so respectful to women and i get nothing in return, and for the ones who do like me theres always some barrier in the way, such as what has happened in this case.

It disheartens me to think that if i ever find somebody great, well my mate (great guy, except for his attitude to women) could easily have scored that girl without any effort had he met her first. That just makes me feel so low.

Also I found out today that one of my mates actually knows her (only to see, not to talk to), and I unfortunately found out that 2 of his friends (one who I know, but not too well) have both scored her in the past (where I'm from score means kiss, just to make that clear). I know its something that SHOULDN'T be a big deal, but it really is something I wish I didnt know. Its never nice to find out that a girl you like scored in the past somebody that you know. I know this may sound ridiculous but it kind of makes me jealous. I think it comes down to not being able to have her, that i then get jealous that somebody I know had her and probably couldnt care less that he had. Tell me am I being completely ridiculous in letting this bother me?

Sorry if I'm rambling a bit.

hi friend...
i think what this boils down to is how you expend your energy.

do you expend your energy being consumed with thoughts of her, thoughts of her kissing some other guy and her being unreachable to you...etc.

OR

do you expend your energy pursuing this girl until you KNOW one way or another that YOU can score (kiss) her. personally, i think this is the avenue you need to pursue.

now...that having been said, i have known guys who were "nice guys" who didn't have a chance against "bad boys". your case isn't an exact fit for this cliche, but it's pretty close i think you'll admit. please allow me to demonstrate the difference between a guy who's a nice guy and a guy who gets the girl...

the nice guy asks the girl if she has a boyfriend and she says that she does. the nice guy walks away and respectfully retreats with a broken heart.

the "bad boy" who gets the girl...well he asks the same question: Do you have a boyfriend? when she answers "yes", his response is a little different. his response is "if you'd hang out with me for a while, you might just forget your boyfriend"...then he smiles, and asks her out on a date. 80% of the time he gets shot down. 20% of the time, she goes on a date with him and the rest is history. either way he knows exactly where he stands and only because he asked a critical follow up question.

the term bad boy is a little wrong for this situation. i only use the terms together to make a contrast that is easy to understand. the bottom line is that girls love to be sought after. they want to know that if you believe you two are right for eachother that you are ready to step up to the plate so to speak and be a MAN. so be a man and go get your girl. if others have scored her, then you probably can to. if the time isn't exactly right, then don't be afraid to either fix it or f it up! either way, you'll know where you stand.

guys who spend their time pining over a woman never get what they want. go out and ask 50 women and you'll end up with 5 of them. don't be afraid to get shot down. you WILL. MOST OF THE TIME. but it's the only way to actually get the girl.

if you think of it in terms of primordial sex drives...the man who wants to poke everyone actually gets to poke a few because the women see him as virile and sexy and enchanting and powerful...and UNAFRAID. the guy who doesn't agressively step up to the plate never really gets much of anything.

good luck...don't give up. quit feeling jealous, etc...and go get your girl. if you get your teeth handed to you, then go get another girl.

sorry to be so long-winded.
jasmine

Hi Jasmine

Thanks for your reply.

Regarding the first part of your message I completely agree with you. Thanks for the advice. I'm going to try and keep my mind full of positive thoughts. But it is hard sometimes to keep negative thoughts out of your head I think you'll agree. We are only human. But I really want to try my best to be positive. I think the negative thoughts come easily due to so many bad experiences down the years. Its almost at a stage where each one feels like it is worse than the last, due to all the emotional baggage built up.

About the second part of your message, I understand what your saying generally. But there are parts I cant say I agree with. You can still be a nice guy AND pursue the girl you want. You dont have to be a prick to get a girl. To be honest I'm a little disturbed by the use of the term "bad guy". I for one, under strong principles will never be a bad guy to a girl. I intend to be myself, be kind and polite and a gentleman to a woman at all times, and if a girl doesnt like that then she can buzz off, she's clearly is not the right one in that case. I dont want to be with a girl who wants me to be somebody different. I want a girl to fall in love with ME, and not me trying to be somebody else.

In this case, I really want to try and pursue her. But that doesnt classify me as "bad guy". I refuse to do anything against my morals to get a girl.

I'm sorry, maybe I'm taking your example too literally. I just hate when I've heard some people say that you should be a prick to women in order to get them. I've heard it a few times.

Your posts have been most helpful. I thank you for that

Hi Jasmine

Thanks for your reply.

Regarding the first part of your message I completely agree with you. Thanks for the advice. I'm going to try and keep my mind full of positive thoughts. But it is hard sometimes to keep negative thoughts out of your head I think you'll agree. We are only human. But I really want to try my best to be positive. I think the negative thoughts come easily due to so many bad experiences down the years. Its almost at a stage where each one feels like it is worse than the last, due to all the emotional baggage built up.

About the second part of your message, I understand what your saying generally. But there are parts I cant say I agree with. You can still be a nice guy AND pursue the girl you want. You dont have to be a prick to get a girl. To be honest I'm a little disturbed by the use of the term "bad guy". I for one, under strong principles will never be a bad guy to a girl. I intend to be myself, be kind and polite and a gentleman to a woman at all times, and if a girl doesnt like that then she can buzz off, she's clearly is not the right one in that case. I dont want to be with a girl who wants me to be somebody different. I want a girl to fall in love with ME, and not me trying to be somebody else.

In this case, I really want to try and pursue her. But that doesnt classify me as "bad guy". I refuse to do anything against my morals to get a girl.

I'm sorry, maybe I'm taking your example too literally. I just hate when I've heard some people say that you should be a prick to women in order to get them. I've heard it a few times.

Your posts have been most helpful. I thank you for that

you're not taking my example too literally, i portrayed it too bluntly just to make the point.

you are right in that you don't want (or need) to be a prick to get your girl. a guy with moral conviction is a wonderful thing. perhaps i'd have been better off describing the situation as:

guy willing to give up, versus persistent guy

the bottom line is that if you want the girl, you have to make it happen. even if it doesn't seem like it's up to you, many times it IS up to you. persistence pays off.

i apologize for misdirected reference...that's what 2 glasses of wine does to my head. three glasses of wine and i'm a WHOLE LOT OF FUN! hahaha.
jasmine