Hey guys. Can't say I'm used to all this depressing talk so be patient.
Anyway I've no idea what to do with my life any more. Finished my first year at college a month ago and i feel so lost.
I spend most of my days alone at home doing barely anything, I spend most of my time trying to distract myself from my problems by playing games with engaging stories, watching unusual movies or listening to lots of music. I always did a lot of this by choice, but only recently have i used this method to distract myself. I'd stop doing these things and do something else if i could find something else.
I don't really have friends to hang around with any more since I get pretty paranoid at college and It feels like some people I hang around with there finds me very annoying. Even with friends outside college or before college, i've been drifting away from them, they all seem to be busy with something else,busy with boyfriends/girlfriends and have no time to hang around with me. I wouldn't blame them for that though, stuff happens. I'd love to hang around with some other people at college, but the only thing they all seem focused on is getting high or drunk everyday, don't get me wrong I have indulged myself a few times and I do enjoy alcohol and weed but I'd rather find a more permanent solution to make myself feel better and I find it really annoying when people glorify alcohol and weed. There is no way in hell that I am going to be like them and make a habit out of it just to fit in.
I wish i could get a job but i feel so inadequate. I look at different sites for jobs, often mentioning how they are looking for "inspired candidates" and the likes and then i feel so out of place and I am too shy about ringing up to ask for job or dropping job applications at shops. I want to make something useful of my life but my worst obstacle is myself, i can't seem to get over these challenges and it really does get to me.I also feel panicky when i think about the rest of my life. I'm 19 but when i think of what i am going to do with the rest of my life i feel soo overwhelmed and i just don't know what to do. However i have signed up with a canoe club and i do enjoy canoeing, but it isn't a permanent solution to my problems, i've also applied to a bushcraft course(wilderness survival) and that will definitely be an awesome experience.
It feels horrible to be in this shell i seem to have developed for myself. Anytime i go out and try hang around with people, i never feel like myself and as a result i've no interest in conversation. Since i spent so much time watching different shows, movies and listening to music; anytime this topic comes up when i talk to a chick or dude, they seem somewhat threatened by my opinion since it is quite diverse. I'd love to have a girlfriend but i get shy, and i don't mean to sound like an elitist but i don't find many girls interesting, i can never seem to talk of a topic that she and I are interested in. It usually ends up with me talking about something she doesn't understand, or something she talks about something that makes me feel sleepy.
I'll admit though it would be lovely to have a girlfriend that i have a lot in common with and we can talk about a great variety of topics.
I'm not writing this for any form of sympathy. As i've said i'm not used to talking about feelings. I just felt i really needed to get this off my chest and i feel somewhat better now. I'm curious as to how other people deal with this and cope with their issues, you know gain more insight in myself. I wish i had more people in my life right now that i can relate to.
Just to let you know in case you didn't read it all i'm a dude and thank you if you read all this, you must be a nice person and all that
DominarRygel, I can relate with you. When I was your age (maybe a little older) I felt exactly the same. Ever heard the expression "Get over Yourself"? Well, I'm no specialist but if I tell you how I got over myself, maybe it'll help.
Being a perfectionist at 19 meant that I paid a lot of attention to my 'internal scrutinizer'. Like a press commentator 'it' scrutinized everything about me, before, during, and after I did everything. This resulted in performance anxiety, paralysis by analysis and like the classic song by Sting - "Probably Me" (a song I recommend you listen to)this voice became my only friend and confidante.
Paying attention to this nagging internal critic in pursuit of getting everything right first time causes us to unconsciously push people and opportunities away to protect ourselves from exposing flaws to the world. This is because we believe the world will only mock or perceive us as lesser beings like they do in the press.
However, we have the luxury of NOT being celebrities. In the non-celeb world, our flaws are idiosyncratic and thus attractive to those around us.
I suggest you sack the internal scrutinizer and allow yourself to experience the occasional mistake, rejection and failure which will teach you more than you can ever learn in your classroom.
A fulfilled life is also about taking risks. Just ask any soldier who has ever been on the front line, despite their initial fears, they always long to return to battle. It is 'realistic' that as a result around 3 out of 10 people will just not like you. Expect this and do not attempt to up this ratio as anything higher is just delusional.