feeling disconnected

hi, I'm 16 years old. fora long time, i've been feeling unreal, depressed, suicidal and my memory is just crud.
I tend to get rolling blackouts too. like there will be times where i just can't remember anything that happened in a period of time.

throughout my life, I've had these episodes where I'd do something with out having any control. these episodes would happen once every 2-3 years. for example, when i was in grade 9, this girl was picking on me cause i have an eating disorder. what she was doing, wasn't really a big deal, but for some reason I started hearing stuff, like i was being told to hurt her. I thought it was just the eating disorder voice or something but i remember having absolutely no control. it was like i was watching this happen. I dont really remember exactly what was happening , but i remember seeing glimpses. I remember bringing a knife to school the next day and threatened her. the voice kept saying KILL HER HURT HER. SHE CAN"T GET AWAY WITH THIS, WE HAVE TO TEACH HER A LESSON. then yeah.


anyways, it all started with me feeling totally numb. like it was impossible to be happy or sad, like i can't feel anything. It's like nothing effects me.

then i started to feel unreal. I'd find myself zoning out cause i feel totally disconnected from my body. Everything seemed like it wasn't real, or like i was in a dream. kinda like i was sitting in the back of my mind watching life go by. Like I was on autopilot, just living life going through the motions.

I then started to feel this deep depression. I'd be numb on the surface, but i'd feel this deep sadness in the pit of my chest Id feel like screaming, like i wanted to cry and scream, but nothing would come out. I'd feel this 24/7. If i were with my friends havin a good time, it would seem so unreal to me. It was like I wasn't really there. and when we'd all be laughing I'd feel this emptiness and sadness in me but it was like it was impossible to cry

This eventually affected my sleeping patterns. I'd go days with only sleeping for less than 4 hours, cause i'd be up all night. It was like i was only able to feel at night. But it was never a good feeling. I'd find myself screaming, feeling unbearable amounts of sadness and anxiety to the point where i couldn't breathe right and the only way I'd calm down was when i started to cut.

I then realized I couldn't remember my child hood. I'd remember moments, but it was as if I never really was there. I just know that this and that happened but I couldn't see or reallly remember this happening. Also, I started having rolling blackouts. And my memory just went bad. If I were to look back at what i just did the day before, I wouldn't remember. I'd remember seeing myself from outside of my body. Like i was watching it happen but not really being there.

til this day, things are still like this. It's a pain and if you know what's wrong with me, please please help me.

thank you