Hi im a 17-year old guy who feels as if my life is pointless and the world will be better without me here. i'll try to keep it short.
So basically I've been having a pretty good life until the beggining of junior year in high school when I became beyond depressed mainly due to my lack of social skills see im a very smart person but get bored easily in class and space-out so I have no idea what the answer is when the teacher calls on me so I look like an idiot and everyone calls me a retard because im very very very quite and to myself and i've tried and tried to be social but my brain doesn't function that way, I was able to get a 96 in advanced chem. but im just a moron I guess. so that's the first reason why I hate my life im just so quite and anti-social and im in a way bullied for it.
the second reason why I hate my life is because I don't drink or do drugs (weed) I get so depressed when kids are talkin about a mad raggin party the night before where everyone was hammered and stuff and my dad always talks about drinkin in high school and thinks it's weird im agaisnt it. I tried weed but didn't like it and I've tried alcohol but its not worth the hang-over and damage to the liver. once again i just can't fit in.
third reason why I hate my life is becuase everyone jokes with me saying im so weird looking and they always ask what my backgrounds are (ps. im 6'4 260) and im 40% german, 40% irish, 20% russian but no its always your one ugly mo-fo or just look at that kid... i don't understand why I mean im not the best looking guy but I cant understand why I look so different im just the one girls parents say not date.
fourth reason why i hate my life is because anything I accomplish goes un-recognized see I play football and legion baseball and in this football off-season ive gotton my max's (bench, sqaut, clean) up to 1,000 pounds thats 550 more than last year I now bench 315 squat 405 and clean 280 for a 1-rep max but when-ever I tell my dad he just says nothing or asks if im juicin and it just turns my modd from on top of the world to I want to go curl up and die no-one recoginizes my hard work they blame it on steriods and all the chearleaders just watch the "cool" kids lift and say oh your so strong but I double that weight. excuse my language. also to add into this is only one guy has recognized my potential through-out my life and thats my uncle hes seen how when i join a basketball team or any sport i start the first day barely able to dribble but by the end of the season EVERY time im starting and lead the team is points or sacks, he told me about my potential but then he hung himself and since Ive been cut from the basketball and baseball team for kids that suck! compared to me but are "cool" with coach all freaking pollitics it's not fair they live in a life catered (hope i spelled right) they can go feel confidant their on the team no worries their off to have a wale of a time the winter/fall and can't understand why im mad they call me a hater but they cant bare the skills they got on cause they weren't a "weird person" as the basketball coach said to me. I still got football and that coach respects me for being me and you better believe i go all out for him every second.
fifth reason why I hate my life is because I cant get a job no-one likes me it ges back the pollitics again im not the managers "homie" so im not hired theyd rather get some-one who puts in half the work I do because their brain cells are rotting from weed. and also im so nervous about my future for example I haven't done good in high school will i go to college? will I ever get a job? will I be able to provde fr a family? see all this time growing up its been brainwashed in me (by TV) that everyone grows up and has a family, a home, a good job, get along, go on vacations, etc. but I don't see it that way I see poor homeless people who live in my town I see people who struggle to survive, I see familys fighting, the masses of unemployed but I just get a weird look from my parents like no thats not real whats wrong with you. I just don;t fit in. I just see stuff in the big picture after talking to some of these people who are jobless, homeless, or work no stop to provide for a family I see that they are generally very nice people and I hate it when people/shows make fun of these people because some of them are just never given the chance because their parents couldn't get them a god job or schooling etc. i just feel like I'll never suceed.
sixth reason why i hate my life is because I have no emotions for some reason when my dad told me my favorite uncle killed himself I didn't react I mean I felt sad but something in my brain said thats life no need to dwell move on and I didn't even cry, family dog dies nothin, heard what happened in aruora colorado nothin, sad movie in school nothin and of course im just that weird guy again .
ok I got carried away and feel this is long enough I'll list a few more things that keep me up for hours every night crying and crying (only thing that makes me have physical emotion).
- had braces and didn't wear retainer you can guess what happened
- developed well can spell right sorry (trich-o-tilli-ama) idk but i stopped since
- couldnt drive till 18 when others drove at 16
- don't have many friends
- don't get the whol drink and smoke thing
- I LOOK WEIRD APPARENTLY
- people make me feel like im not even a human
- im to mature for my age
- girls don't like me
- ugh the list goes on what-ever
- im a conspiracy theorist (not hardcore) but lets say I hate lil wayne and rap because it's a bad influence people are being controlled by this music i see while everyone else thinks im a nut, ps i like Hopsin listen to the song i'll mind of hopsin 5 it's life changing. ugghhhhhhh I wish I could re-start life why wasn't I handed everything. ughh thanks for your time I appreciate it