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feel like ending my life

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I am 23, serving as an IT professional in an organization. People say I am lucky for i started at the tender age of 19, have always been good at studies, and supported my higher studies while on job. But thats not how I feel about myself. I know this sounds weird but that i have this feeling with in and just don't understand where to pour them, I have this ill feeling within and it has become worse since the day I completed my 5 years at the same organization. People have stopped taking me seriously, colleagues are jealous of I don't know what, my managers don't support me at all, I was lot much happier when in the different role, and since the time I have moved to my current profile at the same company(I always wanted to be in this profile of IT security and grow) things just seems to go against me, i donot see myself growing anymore, I feel lonely,have no friends, want to marry but it all seems blank. I have started hating to talk or discuss my things with my parents and brothers. I feel they would find me stupid of my age talking such nonsense when i am the eldest child and I do not want to disturb them either. The feeling is so bad, that i often cry all alone in my room for no reason as if I am dying to break lose my spirits and go far away. I am fed up of every little thing get goes against discipline, I lose my temper at the silliest of the issue, get hyper on nothing, I hate people staring at my system, I sometimes feel if something is wrong with me, I just feel like crying and end my life. Cannot gather the courage to stand and confront. I feel so excluded, a loner and hate of being like that. I hate myself to an extent that i simply cannot express...I see no future for me. Just filled with tears. I feel every step I take is wrong, I have lost all my confidence, and I hate being that way. This all might sound so stupid to anyone, people might laugh and make fun,, but for me,, its like dying every minute,,, I hate stepping into my office,,,coz I get all sorts of negativity around. While writing this I feel like screaming,,,I just want to run away...i am not coward but I feel its getting so difficult for me...I am finding this so tough.
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First Helper Despairy
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replied September 30th, 2008
This is just my opinion but do you think you spent a lot of time on your career and kind of forgot about the other stuff in life, friends, family, etc.

Now you may feel your career path is stalled a bit. So the other things missing in your life are more visible to you.
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replied September 30th, 2008
Supporter
Hi
You have all the signs of depression. My suggestion is to talk to a mental health professional. You have your head on straight and seem to know what you want out of life. You set goals and reach them in record time. Somewhere along the way, you lost a part of you. I know this make no sense.........but I do know about depression. I do know these feelings you are having and it very well could be from a chemical embalance in your brain.....explains things huh? the sadness, the negativity, the anger, the frustration, crying and low self esteem......Here's your sign.........There is help out there, you just have to ask for it! Keep in touch!
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replied October 2nd, 2008
Advanced Support Team
well, it seems to me that you can find a solution to every one of the problems you mentioned. how are you feeling?

what country are you in? it seems that there is alot of pressure on you to succeed as the oldest child, even at such a young age.

write back, and i hope you feel better

ps. i'm 28 and have been in IT for 15 years now. I also specialized in security for many years. IM me if you want to talk.
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replied October 3rd, 2008
going to a place you dont want ,
meeting the same people you dont like and can even say hate,
getting mad at every pips...
i can relate to that
im only 21 and i serve the israeli army...
feels like dieing every minute aswel even when im home or with friends

only comfort is coming here and knowing im not alone
so maybe there is kind of a purpose for people like us posting around
who knows how many people as sad as us have read this post
and it saved them...

sorry for blablaing too much its late ,
i wish you luck in ur pursuit for happiness
or atleast unsadness .
good night
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replied October 16th, 2008
Experienced User
Look, m8, I'll tell you one thing... or lets make it few things.
In my opinion, you don't have the right to be depressed. Maybe, however, a bit frustrated and annoyed at certain things in your life.

Every time you feel depressed, open up your tv, and watch the news. How many people are stuck between wars with no shelter or no food or parents? how many people there are dying from starvation or aids or just poverty and living on the streets under the garbage without the care of the society? look at the palestinian people, children living on the street, fighting tanks ignorantly with stones, mothers cry all day and night... You don't have the right to be depressed. Those have the right to, because they don't have anything (almost).

And why would you even care about friends at your age? friends are "nice" to have, but not neccessary, girls? sure if you are looking for a one night stand girl, just go to a night club and pick one, or strip club or whatever, or are you looking for marriage? I'm sure it's not a problem for a man in your standings, have job and money seems financialy stable and smart. When you find this right woman, you, sir, begins your life. What do you need more? you have a job, a wife, kids, money, a house ... and if you still get mad about people not liking you, well you can say in your mind the same thing I say to myself "they can f*ck right off. I don't give a !**@!, they don't deserv me." and suddenly I feel very happy and satisfied with myself. maybe you should try this strategy.

whenever you feel depressed again, try seeing things from my point of view, because I been there at a much younger age, now i'm 23, and I've had friends like that and told them the same thing, I don't recall them complain about depression to me again.

however if this insists, it might be something physical/chemical in your brain and might want to see a doctor. Goodluck.
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replied May 7th, 2009
jeffax wrote:
Look, m8, I'll tell you one thing... or lets make it few things.
In my opinion, you don't have the right to be depressed. Maybe, however, a bit frustrated and annoyed at certain things in your life.

Every time you feel depressed, open up your tv, and watch the news. How many people are stuck between wars with no shelter or no food or parents? how many people there are dying from starvation or aids or just poverty and living on the streets under the garbage without the care of the society? look at the palestinian people, children living on the street, fighting tanks ignorantly with stones, mothers cry all day and night... You don't have the right to be depressed. Those have the right to, because they don't have anything (almost).

And why would you even care about friends at your age? friends are "nice" to have, but not neccessary, girls? sure if you are looking for a one night stand girl, just go to a night club and pick one, or strip club or whatever, or are you looking for marriage? I'm sure it's not a problem for a man in your standings, have job and money seems financialy stable and smart. When you find this right woman, you, sir, begins your life. What do you need more? you have a job, a wife, kids, money, a house ... and if you still get mad about people not liking you, well you can say in your mind the same thing I say to myself "they can f*ck right off. I don't give a caca, they don't deserv me." and suddenly I feel very happy and satisfied with myself. maybe you should try this strategy.

whenever you feel depressed again, try seeing things from my point of view, because I been there at a much younger age, now i'm 23, and I've had friends like that and told them the same thing, I don't recall them complain about depression to me again.

however if this insists, it might be something physical/chemical in your brain and might want to see a doctor. Goodluck.


dude what are you saying????? here he is pouring his feelings and life to complete strangers hoping someone can help and your talking about 1 night stands and stripclubs? what the hell is wrong with you????
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replied September 29th, 2009
Jeffax, you are way off the mark here. Saying things like this is really quite unhelpful to a person who is suffering from an illness.

You went through a whole bunch of scenarios there, and while I do agree with you that they are valid, considering them can actually be counter productive. There is always somebody worse off if you look hard enough but if you know that you are quite powerless to genuinely change things for others who are suffering then it follows logically that many are also powerless to help you. If you are coming at this from the angle that a person should feel grateful for what they have when so many have so little by comparison then I can understand your perspective. However, true as this may be, it doesn't really help in lifting a person from clinical depression due to the fact that the brain's normal function has been altered. This alteration in neurotransmitters can affect the mind to the extent that emotions such as gratitude, reward, passion, relief etc. cannot be experienced as normal despite the sufferer knowing that there may be good reasons for them to feel these positive emotions.

What a lot of people don't understand is that 'real' depression is an actual condition that causes genuine suffering. It isn't a passing phase of sadness or melancholy that you can shift your perspective from eventually. The mind locks into a cycle of low mood, anxiety, fatigue and sleep disturbance. It's a condition that establishes a pattern in a persons' thoughts and subsequently their perception and behaviour.

Patterns can be broken over time and with therapy but in the most serious cases it can take years for things to improve due to the sheer complexity of human emotions, behaviour and the mind as a whole. I've suffered from recurrent bouts of depression since the age of 16 (I'm now 32) and the truth is I still feel like killing myself sometimes. However, knowing that there are so many people out there with this problem nowadays gives me some degree of hope in that if we all shout loud enough then it will force some sort of change to happen in this society that effectively nurtures and exacerbates depressive tendencies.

If there is only one valuable lesson that I've learned in life then it would be that success does not equal happiness. While I was brought up to be an achiever I am now painfully aware that gaining status, money and power within the world does absolutely f**k all for intrinsic self-esteem. So many of us are taught to value money, education, qualifications, possessions and status over integrity, social conscience, compassion, kindness, justice, health, relationships etc. If a person's value system is all f**ked up but they don't even know it then it is likely that they will experience depression in some form, either that or go to the other extreme and become shallow and selfish.
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replied March 14th, 2012
i hate my life too. i always keep making the same mistakes with women; and dont learn. everytime its going good i jus push it too far and then they start to think am not normal. truth is i have had a very dysfunctional choildhood, puberty and upbringign.,my parents are wel...and i inherited lame genes from my father. and everytime i feel like am goin 2 b successful some of my own "frenz" try 2 keep me down or put me down. i develop a kind of complex and its knda embarrasing @ my age.
so now am havin a good conversation with someone and i jes kept goin and goin and now like shes avoiding me. its a hard lesson: not because a woman is laughing that doesnt mean shes comfortable. maybe that will help someone. it sure causes me to think. am fed up of this i cant seem 2 break free.
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replied March 14th, 2012
i hate my life too. i always keep making the same mistakes with women; and dont learn. everytime its going good i jus push it too far and then they start to think am not normal. truth is i have had a very dysfunctional choildhood, puberty and upbringign.,my parents are wel...and i inherited lame genes from my father. and everytime i feel like am goin 2 b successful some of my own "frenz" try 2 keep me down or put me down. i develop a kind of complex and its knda embarrasing @ my age.
so now am havin a good conversation with someone and i jes kept goin and goin and now like shes avoiding me. its a hard lesson: not because a woman is laughing that doesnt mean shes comfortable. maybe that will help someone. it sure causes me to think. am fed up of this i cant seem 2 break free.
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replied March 17th, 2012
Hi.
Im 36 and have suffered depression for 21or more yrs. I have a 6 yr old son whom i love so much. I hate myself so much and recently tried to end my life. I can't go on anymore feeling wothless and that im nothing and noone. I don't live my life i just exist. I don't know who to talk to, i've seen numerous people in the mental health system over the years and am still stuck living this life which doesn't seem to get anywhere. I've been in and out of hospital for years and have tried to take my life on numerous occassions. At 19 everything should have ended for me but didn't. I'm lost and don't know which way to turn. I feel so alone and empty all the time. I go mad over the silliest thing and say stuff to people i don't really mean, but it really hurts them - another reason to hate myself as it's something i never used to do. I used to take everything - say nothing but self harm instead which only hurt me. I love my son, but dont like myself. Im worthless, Family and friends would be much better off if i wasn't here. I've had enough i want out.
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