Family Relationships Forum - father daughter relationship

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Q: father daughter relationship

asked by: WinterDreams on November 15th, 2008

Experienced User

I'm not sure if im here for answers or advice but i have a situation at the moment, Im living in Poland moved here last month with my partner.
We plan to get married in may next year.
But as i left England every with my family there is ok, But in the past when i was growing up living with my dad he always made comments to me about things, For example..from the age of 12-16 it was comments about my boobs, and Hair growing down there, These have stayed with me over the years im now 21 and still i think about these things he said to me and the things he used to do me, Nothing sexual dont misunderstand but example.. We had a bathroom down stairs and i would walk through the house in just a towel after taking a shower and if my dad was in the house he would try and pull the towel down from me. so i would end up running through the house naked. Sad

Anyway thats a little bit of history. Now i have the problem im so glad i do not have to listen to him anymore and put up with the comments But im in the situation i dont want him to be at my wedding because i dont want to be upset if he says any comments. But if i dont invite my dad it means my 2 little sister baby brother and older brother cant come, I dont know if i even want my dad to know about the wedding, keep it a secret .
Or tell him but not invite him?
I just dont know what to do..If i dont invite him and the family find out i got married without them knowing or coming they will be upset and mad at me.
Sorry this post is so long.
Any advice
Thank you Sarah

Replies(3)

rooted

replied on November 17th, 2008

Supporter

Hi Sarah,

I agree with you that your father's behavior was and is totally out of line. I'd suggest that you try to realize that you are not responsible for his actions. There is nothing that YOU did or can do to make him behave appropriately. Perhaps you can talk to him beforehand about how you imagine the wedding. Or, simply invite him and choose to not take ownership for his actions.

I think that you might benefit from talking with a counselor about the issue. As the first girl in a family of three girls, I also took responsibility for my father ... when I didn't have to. Look into healing YOUR SIDE of the relationship, and then you might slowly come to tolerate or accept how this man behaves.

WinterDreams

replied on November 17th, 2008

Experienced User

Thanks for the reply that has sure give me a few things to think about Smile

Talking does kind of help since ive been with my partner he knowns all about it and we talk alot about things that are on my mind.
But it seems the more i talk about what has happened with my dad in the past the more i begin to have bad feelings towards him.
When i was living with him i thought everything was ok with us we spoke about stuff but he always messed about, But one thing im worried about is my little sisters are not going through the same thing i went through while i was growing up. I have spoke with them and told them about how i feel. i just hope they dont become as self conscious as i have done, and even begin to hate the man your suppose to love and want in your life.

Towner

replied on November 17th, 2008

Experienced User

Don't feel guilty about warning your siblings!

Maybe you can hire some sort of security at your wedding and warn your father to keep his behaviour in check or he'll be escorted out - after all, this is YOUR wedding! That way your siblings can still be there.

And if you're worried about them living with him you can ask a social worker or a close friend or a neighbour who listens to you to keep a close eye. (I'm giving these other options because English social services have not been too reliable lately, according to the news >.>) Hope that helps!

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