Hi everyone, I'm finally taking these issues further and trying to figure out what I should do. I was raised mostly by my grandparents and in their house because my mother had me at a young age and couldn't work and be with me at the same time. Things were well until I was about 7 or so and my grandmother got a job and started working a lot (my grandfather cut her off financially but they kept living together). I was used to her always being with me when I was very young so I was really upset about her leaving me alone - I usually hid it and kept it to myself though, like silently crying in my room. Anyway, that's around when things started getting bad. I had a lot of physical health problems growing up and my doctors would always talk about how mature I was for my age, however my grandfather would call me a "baby" in a derogatory way and would constantly mock things I said and make fun of me. He'd say mean and cruel things that blatantly made me upset but would start yelling and screaming at me if I reacted. For example, I've always been deathly afraid of spiders so one time when I was 8 or 9 he caught a spider and pretended he dropped it on me then started screaming at me when I got upset. It's hard to think and talk about worse things. When I was 12 he told me that he wished I was born a boy so he could "beat the s**t out of me" because I spilt a little bit of soup when I opened it. Another time I dropped a cup of something he tore up a kitchen chair in front of me and through it all over the house. He wasn't even home when it happened. He also used to call me a stupid, an idiot, and a moron. I would get blamed for things that went wrong in the house that I didn't do. He's also pulled my hair before and threatened to beat me up and hurt me with his powertools. My mom (grandmother) always said and was gonna have a talk with him but nothing ever changed. As I grew older I avoided him as much as possible. He still says very rude things and calls me names sometimes. He's still a pretty mean and messed up person and I don't think he has any vague idea how much he's hurt me. I'm now 21. My grandfather and I aren't biologically related either. The peak of this verbal and mental abuse started at about 8 years old and lasted til about 14. I live and go to school 800 miles away and I'm with my wonderful boyfriend. I don't talk to him and I don't care if that hurts him, I don't know why it would. I experience a lot of childhood flashbacks of all the things that deeply bothered me as a child. It started around s year ago. I can't shake these awful feelings and memories or stop them from popping into my head all the time. It's really hard to sleep at night. I haven't really talked to anyone in depth about this, it's too hard. And obviously I haven't seen a psychologist or anything. I also have some anxiety and depression problems on general. The anxiety is worse when I'm in my old house and around my grandfather.
Do you guys think this is some form of post traumatic stress that I should seek help for? I don't know what to do anymore, it's frustrating to live like this. Thank you for reading.