Depression During Pregnancy Forum - ex and mother ruining my pregnancy

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Q: ex and mother ruining my pregnancy

asked by: StacyHoll on July 12th, 2008

Experienced User

4 years ago I was told I couldn't get pregnant.. I was with my ex for 4 years and now..

My ex left me when I was 3 months pregnant- Actually he tried to kill himself. He had problems with depression and drinking- on and off. Anyway I was the one who found him and called 911.

When he was in the hospital he decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore, because his mom said that he could live with her and his dad- Because they dont like me and blame me for being pregnant.

One night his mom called when he was in the hospital and I asked how he was. She yelled at me and said what do you think he tried to kill himself. She said it was my fault for being pregnant, and that we should have had protected sex. After the conversation I was so upset- It was still early in the pregnancy I went to the washroom and was bleeding- but the baby ended up being ok. Dr. said it was from the stress.

Then my dad called her and asked her not to call me anymore. She still called me and another time she called and was really rude with me.. Agian I was bleeding and in the hospital.

Because my ex was living with his mom and dad they decided that he didn't have to be accountable and that he could quit his job- He hasn't helped me with one thing for the baby. His mom and dad hasn't helped. Its just me and my parents doing everything.

I tried to support my ex knowing that he's sick and needs help. So, sometimes I would call him to see how he was doing etc. When I was 7 months pregnant. I decided that he should move some of his furniture and I asked him nicely if he could move it. He said he would that weekend. I sat at home allday saturday waiting.. no call no show.. Then sunday I called and said on the machine that I wanted him to just move the couch so that I could put in the rocking chair.

His mom called me freaking out telling me that he can't move it 'hes sick' and how do I expect her son to do this etc etc etc. So, I was upset I just agreed with her. I have never talked back to her. My mom called me I was crying because of her. My mom called her and said DO NOT CALL MY DAUGHTER! His mom and my mom had an argument. Because a 60 year old lady shouldn't be calling a 24 year old sticking up for her 32 year old son. She also said that I am living in his apartment- I AM living here because I knew he couldn't afford it I am paying for everything! He hasn't helped with a dime.

MY ex called me and said that if my mom calls there again bad things will happen. Then my mom called him and asked him what was going to happen and he threatened to 'finish her off'

I called the police and the officer said that there was nothing that they could do and I couldn't get a peace order etc. and that I was over reacting.

Now the couch is 'still here' his stuff is 'still here' and I just don't know what to do I am paying 1000.00 per month and I can't live comfortable.

I lose sleep at night all of the time because I am so upset that these people are being so horrible and now I am 31 weeks pregnant and I just don't know what I can do. What if they want to see the baby after shes born? What if they try to take over everything? What can I do to ensure my baby is safe. They haven't helped at all.

His mom tells people that she 'hopes the best for me and the baby etc etc." But then she treats me so horrible.. Its like a show she has for other people trying to make me look bad and I don't care if they think I look ba because I am trying so hard to be a good mom.

My ex will be in a treatment center when I have the baby and I wont be able to afford to live here. I don't even know where I will live. I just hope that they can't try for custody because I have nothing.

I am trying so hard not to give up. I am buying diapers, wipes, she has tons of really nice clothing ( I got at garage sales) I also got her a crib at a second hand crib. She has pretty much everything, but were not going to have a place to live. I HAVE ALLLLLL OF THE LOVE IN THE WORLD FOR HER.. I also took infant and child courses. I am going to love this baby so much. My Mat leave will be 900.00 per month and my rent is 1000.00 per month. HE wont be paying because he will be in treatment.

Where do I go from here?

Last edited by StacyHoll on July 12th, 2008 10:53 AM; edited 1 time in total

Replies(6)

AyaMiyaki

replied on July 12th, 2008

Especially eHealthy

Who do you think will try to get custody? His parents? There would have to be clear signs of abuse or neglect on your part for them to get awarded custody, and honestly YOUR parents would probably win custody over them.

File a police report for harrassment against his mother if she won't stop calling you. Or change your phone number, or have hers blocked. Maybe invest in caller ID and don't answer when she calls.

Consider child support. He might not be in a position to pay it right now, but your child deserves to be supported by his/her father and it won't be fair to your child to go without because you're feeling sorry for his/her father.

Is it possible for you to find a roommate? Or to maybe move back in with your parents until you're in a better place financially? As far as the furniture, it might be worth it to hire a moving company to bring his items to his parents' house. Or you can put them in storage and give them the information. The bill will be their responsibility.

There are ways around these problems. Take a deep breath and look at your options. Cut all negativity out of your life wherever possible - don't give in to it, it's not worth your worry. You have a few weeks left to get all your little ducks in a row. It'll be much harder to deal with this when you have a newborn. Think of these last weeks as a gift - time is precious. Write down your problems on a sheet of paper - and then make a list of different ways of solving them. Have your mother help you with this if you can't think of a solution. And then get to work. You'll feel so much better when some of this drama is over with and behind you.

Good luck.

StacyHoll

replied on July 12th, 2008

Experienced User

Thank you.

I honestly think I would go nuts if his mom showed up at the hospital after I have her after all of the things shes said. I just want to say when she meets her.. Do you still wish we had used a condom? Its horrible.

finally his family has stopped calling.- So has he. You're right though. I have some time now to think about what I can do. Smile

I could probably find a room mate which would be a good idea.

My mom and i don't mix when it comes to living together! Smile

Its funny. Shes like my best friend were so close, but when were together we stress each other out haha. Shes done so much to help me. I just feel bad.

I have to really write it down. I was trying not to think about it because I didn't want to hurt the baby, but now it consumes all of my thoughts.

I feel very bad for the baby to be coming into such a stressful place, but I am going to love her forever and am going to do what it takes to be there for her and to love her.

I may have to leave this apartment and let him cover his own rent. I can't believe that I have gotten myself into this type of situation.

StacyHoll

replied on July 12th, 2008

Experienced User

Also thank you so much for taking the time to read my post I really do appreciate it. I am just trying to sleep! I can't even sleep over it. Kinda torn on what to do, but I will write it all out and see whih conclusions. Thank you

AyaMiyaki

replied on July 12th, 2008

Especially eHealthy

This may be a sneaky move and I might get bashed for even suggesting it, but you don't have to tell his parents when you give birth. If you think they're going to cause a scene or drama at the hospital, it might be better to wait until after you're back home and settled before notifying them. Think about it. Childbirth is traumatic enough, and afterward there's a new little person in the world. You finally get to meet the little stranger that's been inside of you all these months. It's a scary and beautiful moment. There's no need to ruin it with negative people or harsh words like "do you still wish we'd used a condom". Don't even think about those things anymore. Your ex's mother's hang-ups are not your hang-ups. If she wants to be bitter now, let her. She'll either come around or she won't, but that's her burden to carry, not yours.

The baby, as a newborn, thankfully won't know very much about what's going on. Try to keep from shouting or yelling around him/her obviously, but otherwise s/he will probably spend the first few weeks eating and sleeping. Really, this is a great opportunity to de-stress your life and take out the trash so to speak. Your life is what you make it, and you'll be surprised at how much control you have over things.

It's so easy to give in to the stress and pressure and it feels like you're drowning. Never forget that you have the ability to swim. You're a strong, capable woman, and you're about to be somebody's mother. You can absolutely do this, and you don't have to let anybody try to knock you down or make you feel like less than what you are. You're going to be amazing, and you have the ability to make a terrific life for your child.

One foot in front of the other. Handle one thing at a time. Remember to make that list, and never be ashamed to ask for help!

StacyHoll

replied on July 12th, 2008

Experienced User

The problem is is that one of his family members that I am close to is delivering the baby. She;s the head Dr. at the hospital I am giving birth. Blah! I am very close with his brother too, but I am going to ask them not to say anything. Then when they want to be a part I will just say no way. She may have ruined the pregnency, but shes not ruining this childs life.

I am going away to live with my mom for the first month and shes far enough that they can't come. I am going to fight pretty hard to keep them away Smile

I have been giving in. I have felt like I was drowning. I think it will be easier to handle when the baby is here.

Thats hard asking for help, because I know my parents would give me everything that they have and more. So, I have to be careful. They're the only ones that I can ask. I haven't asked them yet. Mostly just ask them for advice on money management etc. If I am not too careful they will try to take over.

They're more excited than I am I think.. They were very poor when they had me I slept in a box covered with material.. and now they have money. They want everything for this baby that I didn't have. You should see all of the little dresses my dad got her they're absolutly beautiful. She has like 30 dresses right up to 12 months. I have 96 pairs of sleepers from garage sales. She has a beautiful new basssinet. I have everything almost.. I got them to take me to garage sales because I don't have a car and I bought everything at garage sales.

It will be easier when shes here its just paying the 1000.00 per month when I don't get that much. I have to figure out what to do with that.

tsakuma

replied on October 28th, 2009

New User

hi lady ur story is pretty the same as mine, and listening to all the responds am getting motivated, am in a situation were my husband i s denying his pregnancy, am 21 weeks pregnant, we have been dating for 10 years, he has paid lobola on december 2007, and this is our first child, the past three weeks i fond out he was cheating, i was crossed, and i toned all his cloths, since there we where not in speaking terms even today, he will only talk when he went to say bad things,he even accuse me that i've been witching him , and he was told in church that am not a good wife for him, and he don't see any reason for leaving with me, his sister is so supportive, but it doesn't workout for me, i can't eat, not even sleep, my mind is still stacked to him, and i wanted the two of us to be part of this, am not coiping at all, and am always crying,i 've moved to my own place, the problem is i haven't told my parents about this whole thing, they are reducing about my pregnacy and i am afraid to hurt them, more especially my dad he is having a heart problem, am so confussed and am not even coping at work, i love this guy in a way that i don't see my self leaving without him , please give some tips on how to survive this

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