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everything feels numb and hazy

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ive had depression for as long as i can remember, but within the past few years ive felt like everything wasnt real
i often sought out tv shows, webcomics, video games, and other fictional worlds so that i could dive into something that made me feel. usually i am quite apathetic, every emotion feeling forced or not my own, but focusing on the interesting lives of fictional characters made me feel real emotions. though it also made me feel less real, physically
everything feels as though i am looking through someone elses eyes and controlling someone elses life, like with a video game
i used to self harm and not be able to feel it at all. i could feel the blade or lighter in my hand but i didnt feel the cuts and burns. sometimes id throw myself down the stairs just because thats the only time i could actually feel the pain
i make bad and hurtful decisions that cause me and the people around me pain, i make people angry at me and hate me just because i can
i cant afford therapy and i dont feel comfortable going to things like headspace due to being told by someone who worked for kids helpline that i was too young to understand what i was trying to talk about and ignored by various other youth's mental health programs multiple times
i get around 20 hours of sleep each week, i barely eat apart from a few snacks during the day and if i eat more than that i feel physically sick, i never do any homework or chores because i cant physically do them, and i ignore my own problems until someone else brings up theirs and feel sudden urge to validate my own self by word vomiting about them to anyone that will listen

i dont know whats going on or what i should do about it anymore

id say im sorry about the long post but i dont really care anymore as long as people hear about this
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