Hi hehmylifestory,

Your post has struck a nerve with me. I too have never had a girlfriend or even been on a date for that matter and I'm going on 38. Yes the pain is unbearable. I never had any anger because of it. However, I realized at a young age that finding someone was a pipe dream.

For years I have tried to train myself not to want an intimate relationship with a woman. To various degrees of success. Unfortunately, on a couple of occasions I have not been able to push back those wants. Once in college, there was a girl that made me want these things again. It was difficult, we were school friends. She must have known how I felt. Actually I'm sure of it as she took advantage of it on occasion.

But I realized having someone was impossible. But somehow I managed to suppress those wants. Okay, not really but I had them in control. You are right no matter what you do it is always in the back of your mind. Knowing you are so worthless, no one will ever have you. It is hard to look around and see people every day, everywhere that have experienced love.

And then there is the shame that goes with it. Every year that goes by it increases. It is just not normal. You long for that relationship.

I worked so hard on forgetting my wants. I mean who in their right mind would have me? Then everyone asks you about it. A little over a year ago I started a new job. In my department I am the only male out of the 15 or so workers. They would always ask are you married. I would say no. Then the next question is always why. What are you supposed to say? Well, I'm just so much of a loser no one can even stand the thought of being with me.

I had it, mostly under control, until I started this new job. When I met this woman. I knew there was never any chance of a relationship - perhaps if I were incredibly lucky we could be friends. She was single and about my age, with 3 children. She was and is obviously looking for someone. She has had no problems finding suitors. We became friends, she says I'm the most honest, open hearted man she has ever met. And for some reason she thought I was funny too.

But I knew there was never a possibility. In the short time I've known her I've seen or heard about a number of men go in and out of her life. It has always bugged me. I mean there must be a reason that no one would has ever considered me, even to be a possibility. I have asked her, as a woman who is looking, what is wrong with me. As a woman who's looking she must have some perspective on what's wrong with me. I could never get an answer.

Now I'm in tears or fighting tears almost every minute of the day. I think about ending it all many times a day. People say before you can find someone you have to be okay with yourself. How can you be okay with yourself until you find or even have a chance of a possibility, ie. a date? You try to build up your self esteem in other areas but you don't feel like a real person. There is obviously something fundamentally wrong with you.

I really don't have any friends, no chance of a partner. I feel like I just take up space. The only one who would even notice if I were gone was my mother. The empty hole, as you put it, never goes away.

As I said this post resonates with me very much. I think you have hit the nail on the head. It is just so hard to live with.

" Every year that goes by it increases. It is just not normal. You long for that relationship.

I worked so hard on forgetting my wants. I mean who in their right mind would have me? Then everyone asks you about it.
Now I'm in tears or fighting tears almost every day. I think about ending it all many times a day. People say before you can find someone you have to be okay with yourself. How can you be okay with yourself until you find or even have a chance of a possibility, ie. a date? You try to build up your self esteem in other areas but you don't feel like a real person. There is obviously something fundamentally wrong with you.
I really don't have any friends, no chance of a partner."

I just turned 40 & all what was said is same for me. I'm also viewed by society as a midget (I'm 5'4) & found that what I was told growing up .i.e. be nice, honest , a hard worker & you'll succeed in life. Is complete B*******. If you want to succeed in this life you need to be a brazen, uncaring, lieing con artist. I just can't bring myself to be that type of person.

I moved all growing up, isolated work, have no friends & women aren't attracted to introverted midgets.
I want to die. I can't continue to live unwanted, unloved & amongst a world of animals.
I hope things turn out better for you. You can't ignore it though. I did thru my 20's but it can't be ignored forever. It grows inside you until you can't ignore it anymore & becomes overwhelming.

You aren't attracting women because your negativity about yourselves is sticking out like a neon sign. I don't see any self-confidence in the above posts at all. Negativity breeds negativity. Just from reading your posts, I get a sense of sadness and dread that makes me want to run in the other direction. You need to change your way of thinking about yourselves and your lives. Start trying to do positive things. Believe in yourselves. Everyone knows that self-confidence draws people around you like a magnate. Even the most unattractive men and women find love when they feel they are good enough to share it. if you are not fun to be around, then who wants to be around you? Tell enough people there is something wrong with you, and you will get them believing it too. You need to STOP telling yourselves you are worthless, never deserving of love, unattractive, etc. Then, make yourself the best you can be, and get out there! And DON'T be a doormat! Guys that are "too nice" get walked all over. But that doesn't mean you have to be nasty and arrogant either. Find the good things about yourselves, and offer them up, with self-assurance. KNOW that you are worthy of love, and pretty soon, you will find it. Good luck!

hehmylifestory's story and others' replies resonate with me too. I'm turning 33 this year and never had a girlfriend. raven53 has some great points. Believing in yourself is the first step. No one wants to be around someone who is down on himself all the time and is no fun to be with. Over time, I'm trying to become a happier and funnier person by watching comedy shows on TV. That really picks my mood up and I do find that I'm more fun when I'm around people.

Other things that struck me that we chronically single guys have in common are the lack of friends in our lives, and being introverted. I have I guess acquintences that I go do social stuff with, but not to the extent that I'd consider them my friends. I guess I have a few friends, but for sure I'm not very social. Being introverted is problematic because I find that introversion often leads to critical thoughts about oneself, whereas being more extroverted or paying more attention to the outside world helps me to be happier.

We might be dealt "bad cards" in life (let's face it, probably none of us are blessed with good looks), but it's what we do with it that matters. Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for a relationship in order to complete me, and then I can begin to live my life. Maybe that day might never come, and then I'd have wasted my whole life waiting and never really lived. So nowadays I try to move on with my own life and live a little bit, and be happy. For example, instead of thinking that "Once I have a relationship, I will go travelling", I should go travelling by myself, for myself! I will try to be happy with what I get in life and forget about what's missing in my life. It's a struggle for sure. I'm glad I found this forum where we could share our thoughts, and I'm glad that I'm not alone (not that I'd wish this on anyone else, just that knowing I'm not alone makes me feel a bit better and less of a freak). Thanks and good luck to you all!

i'm 30 and i'm tired of being single. tired of feeling the hold in my stomach constantly. i know guys who are short, i.e. 5'4" or under, fat, ugly, old, poor who are in relationships with women...

here's the deal, and i know it: looks, height and money don't matter for a woman. what matters is character. do you get swayed easily? can others control the way you feel? an attractive man carries himself a certain way...i.e. only he tells himself how to be. nobody decides for him now to react, when to react, how to act, when to act and generally how to be. he decides. and he's not an ass about it.

i've realized that to my core. i realized it a few months ago and i'm living it.

finally, woman are responding to me differently because when i talk to them, there's more "me" present. but still, i'm missing something, because i'm still single. i still have no friends. but when i say that, it makes no sense, because i know tons of people...and i can nurture those friendships and relationships...i.e. go out, organize activities, introduce people...and i hope, that eventually, i might meet somebody.

but i'm still single, and yes, i feel that hole in my stomach when i go to get bed at night and yes, it's unbearable. it's called loneliness and i'm trying hard to meet somebody and also get rid of that hole.

i'm not looking for a woman to complete me. i am complete no matter what...all holes are illusions. and to hope that somebody will complete me....that's ridiculous to ask of anybody...and i wouldn't want a woman who needs me to complete her...but i feel that i would be with a woman like that just for the sake of companionship.

so now it comes to this: i know people, i am complete, i am my own master, but i still have this hole in my stomach.

but just by writing this, the hole is getting smaller.

but i still crave a woman. i crave the companionship...i love woman...i love everything about them.

i think part of me has been ashamed of being myself for many years, and that's made me unattractive. when i'm ashamed of being myself, i come across as thinking "i'm a loser" when i talk to women. and they feel that.

a woman wants a guy who isn't ashamed to be himself. it's because when a guy is acting that way, he's hiding himself. the woman thinks "what's he hiding?", "it must be something scary because he's really hiding it.". she thinks this subconsciously, and she is repelled from the guy.

however, the guy who isn't hiding, who isn't afraid of putting his whole self into the interaction...there's nothing scary about him.

how what if there is nothing you have to hide, nothing scary (i.e. you want to kill her etc...) but you're hiding your loneliness.

that also comes across as "hiding something" and it falls into the category, so she runs.

so how do you not fall into that category? here's the trick:

let me use an analogy: when you go to the bank, and ask for a loan, they want to know that you have the money to pay it back. i.e. they will loan money to people who don't need it. it's a catch22.

same thing with women. even though they say they want to be "wanted", they want men who don't need them. they want non-needy men, and they want to make that man need them down the road...because if it happens down the road, the woman knows that the man needs him not just because she is a woman, but because of her unique traits that he has discovered over time. she is needed for who she is, not just because she is a woman.

would you trust a woman who had "i just need a man..." written all over her face. sure, you would have sex, but she wouldn't be around long term because all she wants is a man, and not necessarily you.

so, woman feel the same thing...like a bank officer. so what's the trick to tricking the bank? a smart borrower brings partners who have money...and they borrow together, upping his value with the bank.

with women, it's the same thing. you nurture the woman friendships around you. at work...for example, you host a dinner and you invite woman (and men). what if you don't know too many single women? you join an activity group, or an adult education class and you'll meet women. city art classes are great. you first make friends with women. surround yourself with them. tap into their networks and host lots of dinners at your home. clean up your place. make it look nice. and then host, host, host, host. i guarantee you, women will be setting you up left right and center, just because you host dinners at your home and show people a good time.

anyways, i have to run now....have to go the bathroom, and then i'm going out to meet women...i do cold approaches on the street and in stores. it's hard, but i do it. i'm tried of being single. and i'm also nurturing the woman friendships i already have.

but here's what i think is the most important piece of information that men need to know:

if you think you are a loser, it's because you've been led to believe that, and then you act that way.

you can't be a "true" loser first. first, you were led to believe that...maybe a long long time ago. you may not remember the moment of being led to believe it, but i assure you, you were not a loser in the beginning. in the beginning you were a self-propelled, creative, expressive individual. you were led into the path of self-hatred a long time ago. some nasty person, or group, led you down that path and because you were inexperienced, you followed it. we were all inexperienced at some point or another, and just about everybody has been led down that path. today, some of us feel the pain of that path more strongly that others, and so it shows up hard on their face. they really do feel like losers, they really do feel their self-hatred. they really do feel like nobody would want them, like there is nothing to appreciate in them. well, if you feel this way, you were convinced of this. you were taught this. you were indoctrinated to believe this. you were not this way to begin with. always remember that. remember how you started. recall the beginning and know that you were present from the very start. know that from the beginning, you have been a creative force, and that you always will be. the you...the original you.

well said Openthewindow! Another good point is...don't wait for people to come to you, even if you are shy or afraid of rejection. By doing this you give the appearance of being aloof, that you don't care. Friendships need to be cultivated. If people try to be your friend, and you don't call them or bother with them, they will eventually think you don't care and disappear. Lots of people don't bother taking the time to get to know others and make friends for fear of rejection, but the people only see that you can't be bothered to take the time to call them, or visit. So it's not always what you think. friendships need to be INVESTED in. So do that. It gets easier the more you try. You need to find the good in you and stop the negative thinking. Once you do, you will reflect that to others, and you won't be lonely anymore. NO MORE BLAME or excuses...get out there and live life, it's too short to waste wallowing in self pity. Any problem can be solved it you really want to solve it!

I hear what bentonfraser is saying about realizing that finding a significant other is a "pipe dream." I mean it's not like I haven't tried over and over again. I also understand that negativity breeds negativity as raven said. However as far as I know I don't give off a vibe of negativity (in person). My problems are well hidden from my peers.

To burnt: We share the problem in height. I'm only 5'6 and I honestly think that this is a huge hindrance, as it cuts all the decent heighted girls out of the playing field because from my experience they do not take shorter men seriously. Don't get me wrong though, I do not use that as an excuse for why I'm not in a relationship. I also feel like you do very often. I'm happy with where I am, pursuing a career in college and what not. But it doesn't take away from the longing for intimacy. I've always been the nice guy growing up and whenever people would make fun of me I would just take it... At work though I've been discovering something new. If you pick back on the people that make fun of you, they stop. I've also been experimenting with my female coworkers. This is still something new to me, but I have found if you be a little mean to them (in a joking manner) instead of sucking up and being super nice they respond better. Yet I'm still yielding no results and there are really no good prospects at work, but its good practice.

The example about the bank was great by the way. One of my main problems though is that I find it difficult to carry one on one conversations with women. I can stay in a group of people and be okay but once its a one on one I get nervous and don't know what to say. And God forbid the conversations I have with women on the phone. It's very awkward and short, I simply don't know how to talk to them whenever the very very VERY seldom opportunities pass by. I guess it kind of comes down to EXPERIENCE, which I have none of. And it only gets worse every year I get older. I used to just have to worry about talking to them. Now there is financial security and all these other aspects that women look for. It just all seems so impossibly hard.

Taking a look at most of these posts I realize that I'm a lot younger then most of you, yet I feel as if I too am destined for a long road of loneliness. I hope not. I pray not for my own sake...

Being short has nothing to do with anything. My husband is not much taller than you, but what attracted me to him was that "I got the world by the a$$" attitude. He always acted self confident, and even alittle cocky, so what you are saying about being "alitte mean" kind of rings true. It's not that you are being mean, it's a sort of self-assured vibe you are throwing off that make the women more receptable to you. You might not think you are letting your insecurities show, but the old expression "actions speak louder than words," is what comes across. It's body language that people pick up on. It's what makes us instantly like or dislike someone. So try and be self confident. Don't worry too much about finding things to say, that's half the problem. Ask the person about themself. People LOVE to talk about themselves. You'll get the hang of it in no time. I really believe everything happens for a reason, and when it is time for you to find your soulmate, you will, and she will love you for who you are. Good luck!

Oh and one more thing..in my neighborhood, most of the men ARE short, they outnumber the tall guys, and they are ALL married! Go get em!

Ive 29 and still a virgin, i really dont know why.
im dot on 6ft, althetic to Muscle toned build, lengthy styled hair and intelligent.
slight tan, I have a excema on my ear but its hidden in my lengthy hair.
i tried the dating websites using my photos FAILED.
i retried the dating websites using some models image i found on google and had women chasing me with instant sex requests.

Ive tried force confidence, where you put on a face and act confident, i ended up with kerbab meat thrown in my face,
i tried again and the girls i was talking to started texting on their phones, so i sorta got the hint.
It might be the way i talk, i always talk honestly.

I'm going to be 33, never had a girlfriend. I've tried for many years with confidence, but it doesn't happen. I only have one real friend, though I try to hook up with people (with confidence), but it doesn't happen. I've even had a hard time finding employment, even though I go at it everyday with great confidence. I'm a good looking guy, but am only 5' 5 1/2". Still, I don't let any of those aspects get me down, but I do one thing compulsively. Masturbate. I figure, I may never get married, so who cares if I can't shoot sperm anymore? Here's the thing, what if I do, than my wife will be screwed not by my penis, but my lack of penis? What to do?

Have heart and love yourselves! Go out and meet someone who has the same interests as you!

I was lonely and then I started volunteering. Habitat for Humanity and Red Cross, as well as some other activities. I meet the nicest people ---all shapes, sizes, ages, colors, walks of life. But I have made some GREAT friends and then some! Meeting people who share the things you enjoy gets you off a great start!

Happy Hunting