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Epic paranoia, I don't want to ruin things. :(

Hello

I'm a new poster, here at the time of one of my all time lows, I guess.

I've been in a long term relationship with my partner for almost a year and a half. I love him dearly but recently I find jealousy and trust issues crippling my mental state and making me fight every step against him. Paranoia is making us struggle to keep going and as much as I know what I'm doing is tearing us apart, I can't stop. He has flirted with girls in the past, and while I have forgiven this emotional betrayal, he still doesn't see where I'm coming from and doesn't think he did anything wrong. (This has happened on 2 different occasions, that I know of.)

I found out just after we started dating that he was courting other girls while courting myself, which immediately put a degree of mistrust to how much heart he really has in our relationship, but recently I have my suspicions that the flirting has started again, which is pretty much the trigger of my paranoia.

I know I'm making situations worse by pushing him away with my accusations, but he keeps telling me that he "doesn't feel anymore," and doesn't expand on that. He still tells me that he loves me, but that he doesn't care. And I'm so not ready for this relationship to be over. He is the love of my life. The only man I want to be with.
When things are good, they're amazing. But when they're bad and we have a tiff, he immediately turns to saying that he doesn't care or feel and that he's stressed and doesn't want to deal with having anyone. Of course in my mind, this translates to "I don't want you, I want someone else."

I've felt low for a long time now. I quit uni because I was focusing so much on him. After starting college I moved out of our shared house and back in with my parents (ultimately leaving college) because I hoped it might make our relationship better for a while. I've given up so much for him and I ask for nothing in return but commitment and love. But I'm not sure how much he can really give me that.

I'm so tired of fighting to keep things okay. He knew from the very beginning that I was in this for the long run. From day one I told him that the relationship had to end in children and marriage and he took that on, and I was under the impression that we wanted the same thing.

He is in his last 6 weeks of uni now so understandably, he is stressed. I've taken a big step back from him to let him focus on his work. But this stress could tear us apart because he's just stopped caring. And yet at the same time he still has time to spend with his friends and talk to other girls about whatever else. Just not me. I get the brunt of the moodiness and stress and it's bringing me down.

I want this to work. I want to be with him. We work so well together, but everything is poison at the moment and I need to find an antidote.
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replied March 22nd, 2012
Community Volunteer
Hi KamiBug and welcome to ehealth: I can see that you love him to death, but honey, it takes two to make this relationship work...You can try and give him all that you think he wants, but in the end it must be two people who equally love and trust each other....Relationships should grow....When a problem is eating you up, it cannot be ignored...You do have to face the fact that sometimes couples do fall out of love and move on....Personally I think it was bold to plan that your thinking was for marriage and children from the start...IMO, a man cannot or should not feel corralled....He must go into this partnership without any regret....This problem may be showing its face....

I wish I had some magic words for you, but all I have is life...You see even after marriage the work of learning each other doesn't stop...I guess this is what makes us tick...Take care...

Caroline
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User Profile
replied March 22nd, 2012
Community Volunteer
Hi KamiBug and welcome to ehealth: I can see that you love him to death, but honey, it takes two to make this relationship work...You can try and give him all that you think he wants, but in the end it must be two people who equally love and trust each other....Relationships should grow....When a problem is eating you up, it cannot be ignored...You do have to face the fact that sometimes couples do fall out of love and move on....Personally I think it was bold to plan that your thinking was for marriage and children from the start...IMO, a man cannot or should not feel corralled....He must go into this partnership without any regret....This problem may be showing its face....

I wish I had some magic words for you, but all I have is life...You see even after all these years of our marriage I have found that the work of learning each other doesn't stop...I guess this is what makes us tick...Take care...

Caroline
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