Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum - Ended a Verbally Abusive Relationship

Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum > Ended a Verbally Abusive Relationship

Q: Ended a Verbally Abusive Relationship

asked by: STAR1983 on July 2nd, 2009

New User

Im 26, hes 36. He has 3 kids 18,17,14. Theyre nice to me and theyre really cute girls. I have no kids. Been together for 3 years. Hes controlling, manipulative and verbally abusive. He says i make him do it, if i were to change he would not act like that.

In the beginning. he was nice, we work together so he was friendly with me. Slowly he started telling me he didntlike when i would wear tight pant (skinny jeans are in right now) so to work only i would not wear tight jeans but loose ones, which i hate the way they look but ok whatever. Then he has this thing whre he swears im messing with my boss **not true at all**. He told me wear your blootooth and whenever he is around call me so i can hear what u guys talk about (my boss wont know im on the phone sice i would have my blootooth on) and then my boyfriend could hear everything. I hated doing this but i told him "ok im not hiding anything so ill do it". this went on for at least a year 3-5 calls a day just to let him hear our conversation. He would constantly call me to check if he was around and if he was why didnt you call.

Another example is we were at the movies and he swore i was looking at another guy, we left he started yelling and screaming at me when he was driving telling me you better admit it or else. i was not looking at nobody so he stopped the car made me get off did not let me get my purse or cell. my car was at his house, i walked 3 miles around 9 p.m. in the dark in boots. when i knocked on his door i looked awful, i had been crying. he lets me in and says "do you have anything to say to me"

We were at the beach, having a talk after a long fight. i said some things he didnt like (ofcourse as long as he hears what he wants everything is ok)he got upset said lets go. yelling at me the whole time, i was just quiet praying he would stop. i finally snapped and told hime to leave me alone just take me back to your haouse so i can get my car. stopped on the freeway made me get off, no purse or cell ofcourse.CHP had to pick me up give me a ride home. about a 40 min drive. calls me the next day apologizes and there i go back to him.

hes pushed me before, pulled my hair, kicked me out of his hose all hours of the night.

Now for the past year i have been stronger and trying to put my foot down that he has to change. he has not done any of thiese things for the past year except the "call me when your boss is around" he always cries and tells me how much he loves me and hell change and go to counceling...blah blah blah. a week later its back to the same thing and blames me for everything. when hes cursing at me i dont yell back at him and i dont curse back at him. im usually crying. he says im abusive. i feel like hesmy father isntead with all his lectures. i recorded one time on my cell phone a 1.5 hr. long kecture that i got while he was cussing me out calling me names. evertime i get upset i listen to that, and ofcourse its pathetic im still forgiving him each time.

On Monday when he got back from work i was in the bathroom #2 ( giggle

) and he came asking me to open the door. umm hello, im in the bathroom. he said i must have been washing up (you know what he means). That pissed me off so much that he would even say that. I told him i had had enought of his assumptions and ive tried to prove to him over and over. he got pissed and his revenge was taking away my Iphone that hgaveto me 2yrs. ago and my car alarmthat he bought for me. so im without a phone and car alrm. and i have to see him here at owrk. it hard cause im starting to miss the good side of hi. the romantic charmer that made me feel special, i just hate this other side of him. but im getting older and i want to eventually get married and have kids and i know thats not the type of life i want to have Sad

thanks for listening,
brokenhearted

Replies(10)

rudderless

replied on July 2nd, 2009

New User

You've done the right thing. It's a shame that he couldn't remain the man who treated you as an equal and instead became controlling. You were right to put your foot down, that he dismissed your concerns and tried to put the blame on you is awful. That he says you are "making" him do these things and need to change to help him is wrong - it is HE that has the issues. This is such a classic case of verbal abuse that were you to pick up most any book on the subject you would recognize your situation immediately. To have someone demand that you call every time you're in the presence of another is just silly, you cannot have love without trust and that certainly shows NO trust.

Get some counseling. Read some books on the subject, I can recommend some if you would like - lord knows I have read too many! Lean on friends, if they have seen what is going on - bet they have - they will support you. Lean on family if you have any near, I wouldn't be surprised if he has tried to cut those ties as well as those of your friends - call them all back up and talk to them about what is going on. You will find that many will be there, trust me.

Continuing to go back just reinforces the behavior I'm afraid. You ARE worthy of a better relationship, no one should be treated as you have been. That he works near you is awful, I wonder what the boss might think if he found out you had been required to allow this man to listen?

wendyrs

replied on July 2nd, 2009

Supporter

As Rudderless said, this is such a classic case of abuse, verbal and physical. It's one of the worst that I've heard in a long time. I hope you wash this poor excuse of a man out of your hair and never take him back. Be strong and know that you deserve better. I wonder how he treats his daughters?? Verbal abuse is something that doesn't leave you. Put a stop to it now. I'm here if you need to talk.

STAR1983

replied on July 3rd, 2009

New User

hi rudderless & wendyrs. Thank you for your comments, they really help. Well wendyrs, his oldest daughter once told that hte the reason him and his ex broke up was because he used to hit her. i was totally shocked because to me he painted this portrait of him being the good husband and her running of with another man. When she told me this, i thought, no wonder she ran off and fell in love with someone else, because of the way he treated her. When his oldest daughter talks about him, i can sense some kind of underlying hatred or grudge towards him but when they're around him theyre really loving with him. she also told me that when he gets upset no one like to be around him. i of course mentioned this to him and he blew his top saying she was lying and what was her point in telling me this. that he was going to go pick her up and have a talk to her. i told him not to and that if he did i was going to get upset and not come around anymore so he didnt.

Im feeling okay just lonely. i do have friends that i can relax with. My mom is Super supportive and will isten and not get tired of the same old song and dance. Here at work, ido see him daily. Its a company of 7 employees, but we just avoid each other the whole day. I know i can do better , i am a pretty girl and i have no problem meeting people. he once told me "You can have whoever you want because you're beautiful, yeah you are, but once they get to know you they leave. me on the other hand i may not be so good looking but i got a good heart and thats worth more"

i just need to take it a day at a time. ive been going to church more and reading spiritual book and just relying on god to help me. The will of God will not take me where the grace of God cannot protect me.=)

wendyrs

replied on July 3rd, 2009

Supporter

It sounds like you're on the right path. Going to church and reading is an excellent way to heal the hear. He's nothing but a bully and I feel sorry for his daughters. Continue to ignore him and eventually you will find a man who deserves you. Keep us posted and good luck!

rudderless

replied on July 3rd, 2009

New User

His telling you the other woman was running around etc. is also CLASSIC. If you are willing to read a book to learn more, to realize that this isn't you and all him, please get a copy of "Why Does He Do That? Inside the mind of an angry man". So much of what you are describing is familiar from having read this book!

Be very careful at work. Such a man is manipulative in the extreme and can be VERY charming. There is no telling what he may do, especially if he sees that you are getting away from him and moving on. The way he asked you to allow him to eavesdrop on others certainly shows insecurity and disrespect. With only 7 people in the business he is likely to seek allies and try to form alliances against you so beware. He is liable to tell stories and paint you badly as he did his previous relationships. Brace for this, you can almost bet it will come when e realizes he cannot easily get you back - he will almost certainly try to jeopardize your job.

I understand the stress you may feel about his children, look around here for my story, but you must be more concerned about yourself. It sux, oh how it does, but you cannot change him and the chances of him changing on his own without intensive therapy, without realizing he has issues, is pretty much zero. Men like this get used to the power, the control, giving that up willingly just doesn't happen. If you read the book I mentioned you will get some insight into this that will help.

Good that you have friends and family close! Often men like this attempt to alienate women from their support so that they have nowhere to turn. I am happy to hear that this is not the case for you!

So please keep moving forward, don't slide backwards. Keep talking to your support, keep sharing here if it helps, keep asking questions, and if you are up to do some reading\research. You will find that you are by FAR not alone in this situation and that he is following a well worn pattern in his behavior. I hope that knowing this, knowing you aren't alone or somehow to blame, will provide you comfort and strength as you move forward. It is he with the problem, he that has issues, he that needs to change - you're the victim...

STAR1983

replied on July 3rd, 2009

New User

I know im doing the right thing...but i feel so miserable cause i do love him...but why if hes such an a hole with me? He's been singing all day long laughinh just being loud like he's all fine and dandy which makes me feel hate towards him. i just miss him and i feel like im never going to get over this (even though rationally i know i will). just have to take it a day at a time.
have a happy and safe 4th of July =)

wendyrs

replied on July 3rd, 2009

Supporter

Stay strong! He's even trying to manipulate you by pretending he is happy. Just do your work and stay as far away from him as possible. He's not worth it.

rudderless

replied on July 3rd, 2009

New User

Well, look at some of the hurtful things that he has said to you. Telling you that you're pretty but that when others get to know you they leave is classic! He is making you feel like he's the only one that can accept you. He has been grooming you to rely on him and feel like he is somehow critical to your life - it's NOT true! He is wandering around making it look like this is no big deal because he wants you to feel insecure, to feel hurt, to feel like HE can live without you and that you cannot live without him. Ignore it. Realize that he is trying to manipulate you, recognize this for the ploy that it is. When he realizes that it's not working he will move onto other things, maybe even nasty things, but you WILL get through it. Having someone who's done this to you so close isn't healthy and if there was some way to put distance between you I'd look for it.

When you begin to feel lonely and drawn to him call friends, call family, lean on them. Surely you have told them about this or they have observed him themselves, they will help you realize what he is doing and keep you strong. Read some of the other stories here, see how some have managed to get away and lead happier lives, recognize in others what he has done to you - gain strength. The best thing you can do is try not to interact with him, he has learned what buttons to push and what strings to pull to make you dance. Step back and try to see how he has manipulated you.

Do take it one day at a time. Actually, if you can, speak to his Ex about him. Approach her gently, let her know you just want to talk, and compare notes. Obviously do not let him know you are doing this but I will bet you money that she will tell you a story MUCH like what you have experienced. The jealousy, the accusations, the insecurity - I'll bet she dealt with it at least as much as you are now. It's a cycle and if you can keep away long enough hopefully he will move on.

Stand firm, you CAN do this. You CAN find someone that will respect you and treat you well, do not reward him by going back - it will only get WORSE if you do since he will feel like you've now chosen him and affirmed that you cannot leave... Good luck!

J3nnyuk

replied on July 4th, 2009

Moderator

Hey, i agree with the majority of people here hun just look after yourself now he obviously isnt worth it good luck Jenny x

ServiceU

replied on July 4th, 2009

Supporter

get away from this man as soon as possible. my dad was physically, mentally, and emtotinal abusive, it took years for me, my mom and siblines to recoup.
i can see this man starting to hit you. i've been with a guy who didnt trust me, and accused me of cheating all the time where i was afraid to breathe wrong. you cant live like that.
i think that's awful when he leaves you in the middle of no where when he is really mad.
my pop wasnt wired correctly and neither was my grandfather.
you shouldnt have to subject yourself to record your boss, or anything else to appease this man. he still has his suspicion afterwords, so it seems pointless.

Learn About Us

Get Help

Join In

Do More

We comply with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health
information:
verify here.

The site is not a replacement for professional medical opinion, examination, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your medical doctor or other qualified health professional before starting any new treatment or making any changes to existing treatment. Do not delay seeking or disregard medical advice based on information written by any author on this site. No health questions and information on eHealth Forum is regulated or evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and therefore the information should not be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease without the supervision of a medical doctor. Posts made to these forums express the views and opinions of the author, and not the administrators, moderators, or editorial staff and hence eHealth Forum and its principals will accept no liabilities or responsibilities for the statements made. Schizophrenia health sitemap.
This page was last updated on January 1, 2009.
© 2008 eForums, Inc