Finally, I had to give him up. There is no end to the misery. Im tired of trying to understand the man, his moods, his angers, his ways,. his lies, and I bet, his cheating. HIs words mean nothing, either one way or another, for ex, professing to be 'my husband' and now saying we are only friends, saying we were going to live together and giving it up dozens of times, saying we would be together for the rest of our lives and saying he does not love me. Saying that he has feelings for me that are more than friendship and pushing me away, saying me misses me and becoming cold and distant soon after. Not holding my hand, not touching me, and being super sexual in words and in bed. Not letting me speak, asking me to shut up, finishing the relationship when he feels like it, becoming distant, and starting phoning again, wanting to meet, wanting me to be in his life, saying he is not my boyfriend but he wants to meet me and of course he wants to see me, saying very hurtful things like 'the woman I was was better than you in bed', and after saying I didnt understand and he didnt mean it, being horrible and phoning form his home immediatelly asking for forgiveness, emotional roller coaster , drama, running away when I said something he didnt like, putting the phone down on me when I by mistake said something he considered wrong, being incommunicado for days, closing his phone, making me suffer, behaving really really odd, like deciding to go home after a dinner in town and just going, leaving me alone at night, changing his mind, telling me about high plans and never doing anything about it, like learning a musical instrument, a language, going to be a lawyer, travelling abroad, starting a business in the internet, and everything seem to be planned with details, next week he forgot it all, his addiction to porn, his addiction to games online, his debt, his funny living arrangements, his working schedule, his lack of sex drive with me now, saying it is my fault when I know it isnt, I never gave anyone so much,his ideas that other women can make him happy and I cant, his way, way off ideas of what a relationship is, his incapacity for emotion, saying he feels nothing, not able to kiss, not able to display feelings, never holding hands in any previous relationship and with me very little of it, saying how much he likes me , Im wonderful,. caring, special and in the same day writting a horrible email destroying me, sitting with me in a restaurant and flirtting with the waitress, looking at women coming in,saying things to people that are quite off the mark and unnapropriated jokes, that offended even my son, despising me and still saying im his only one, his first one, anger displays for nothing at all, anger that goes on till next day when he will forget and think bad of me if I still hurt, anyway, this was all too much, I have asked him not to contact me again, this is certain making him to do it. I still cannot understand how someone can change so much from day to day, I feel terribly sorry that he is like that and that he lost three relationships before me, im the fourth, and he lost me too. He messed up my head, im in antidepressants, I felt I was in the wrong, he even told me I was the one with the problem, when I know im a capable intelligent and sensible woman who lost her self esteem after being treated so badly by someone she loved so much.
Good look to him, I think he might actually prefer a loose woman than me, an easy lay, a one night stand, than a woman of character and quality as i am.
goodbye my love. It was such a strange year and a half with you, there were so many good moments, but so many sadness and hurt, Ill never understand all that went on.How could you say one thing and say another in a matter of hours, how could you sit there with me in our nice restaurant and look to the telly while I was there with you, how could you be so loving smetimes, so mine , and sometimes so distant. How could you plan a future with me, let me buy things for our home and give it up in the end, how can you tell me how much you miss me and tell me also that you dont love me, it doesnt make sense to anybody and certainly not to me.
It was lovely to have your phone calls in the morning, to hear your incredible voice, so loving, and it was so hurtful to hear in the afternoon that you did not feel anything for me. You took me in a roller coaster riding, however I loved you, my days were bright because of yourÂ´presence and I loved sleeping hugging you.But in the morning you were so cold, so different from the night.
You said you could not love, you had no feelings. You could not hold my hand, I looked at your arms and wanted to be in them, and could not. I wanted you to be normal, to go on loving me like in the beginning, you could not. You would change from day to day, you broke up with me in September, so cold, so strange, you left me in the park and went your way, I saw your known form disappearing in the distance. And you came back, some weeks after, you phoned me and was waiting for me in the underground, I still see you there, waiting when I got to the station,and we started again.
And you left me again, you became cold and distant again, you tell me how much I mean to you but you dont want me in your life anymore as a woman, only as a friend, what is impossible to me. So we have to part.
In some ways,Ill always love you, the amazing year you gave me, the travelling, the jokes we shared, the silences, the sex, the tears I shed on my own after you went home and I could not understand why, oh why you were like you are. Goodbye my Bipolar love.