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Emotionally Abusive Mother? (Page 1)

For the past few years, with this year especially, my mother has been emotionally battering me pretty much every other day. I don't want to seem like a crazy selfish teenager, but it just seems that I break into tears much too often and there's never anything to look forward to.

My mom screams at me over every little thing that my sisters and I talk about. I could give you a million examples but I tend to go overboard on details all the time.

Going over some points on a list I found online, she never forgives me, always tells me I'm useless, always thinks she's right, blames me for her stress and unhappiness, tells me everything I do isn't right, says she'll die because of me and still have to "come back as a ghost to be my slave", interrupts me when I try to explain things, and so on and so on.

I have an older sister and a younger sister, and whatever I do she always says that they're better than me. I'm best friends with my sisters and they non-jokingly agree that my mother 'hates me'.

I don't want to seem like I'm overreacting or like I'm just some naive teenager, but I just don't want to have to be scared when I see my mother's face or cry every night because I feel so unloved. I don't know what to do because I always feel like I'm doing something wrong.


Once again, I'm sorry if I typed too much.
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First Helper WBasso
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replied July 18th, 2008
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I'm sorry to hear about your problems. You mom is probably going through a tough time and acting the way that her parents treated her. I'd suggest that you seek some help from a counselor. You need to understand that it's not your fault and that you're not responsible for your mother's happiness. Please update!
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Users who thank rooted for this post: inunekoi 

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replied August 20th, 2008
Community Volunteer
Brings back memories of my childhood however the grumpy party was my dad. Nothing I did ever pleased him and everything was my fault.

I stayed away from him and did as little as possible to irritate the monster. Did as I was asked and if he came down hard on me I told myself that it was not my fault that he is the one who has issues. Once I turned 18 I left home and now I have as little contact with him as possible (I'm now 44). Its not that I don't want to have a normal father-daughter relationship, I tried - he failed, over and over again. If you can get a counselor, please do. If not, hang in there and remind yourself that it is not your fault...

Have you tried to tell you mom what she says hurts you deeply? I did but it did not work, not to say that if you try to talk to her when she is not annoyed may work. As the previous poster said...she could be stressed. Offer to help her in whatever she may need help with...housework, etc...even the smallest things could mean the world to her. Even if she fusses about it. What does your father say or is he in the picture?

You are the middle child and she does not give your siblings heartache like she gives you. Maybe she knows you will take it and you will be OK...? Has your sisters said anything to her about them noticing that her angry and fustration are always toward you and you alone?

I do wish you the best in this situation. I don't have a book to recommend as my recommendation comes from personal experience.
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replied January 3rd, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
at least you sister is in it too theres no one to help me because my mum and the rest of my family hate me but my mum hates me the most
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replied August 13th, 2009
This is NOT your fault, and by no means are you being a naive child. I went through the same situation; in fact, I still go through it every day. I grew up thinking that I was the reason that my family was falling apart. In reality, it is your mother that has the insecurities, the emotional problems, and she is trying to use you to stabilize her life. Are you in school right now?? Go to a counselor at your school. Sometimes they suggest doing family counseling, but this didn't work for me. Why? My mother would like at the meetings and then yell at me and my Dad afterwards. Sometimes there are support groups in your neighborhood. Lean on your sisters for support. Just keep in mind that there is a way out- whether its turning 18, going to college, moving away, or just finding a way to cope with it all. But from my experience, the longer I stay with my mom, the worse mental health problems I have. Good luck and please continue to seek help! You're not alone.
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replied August 28th, 2009
Hi I really relate to your problem. Please remember that this is not your fault and one day when you leave home you will be able to stand up to her and possibly reach some form of reconciliation. I am 40 years old and it has taken me this long to throw off the messages I received from my mum that I was pathetic and had no common sense. I knew she had a troubled childhood but it was used by my dad as an excuse for her treatment of me. I got myself into an abusive relationship as well. So get help now and don't stop speaking out until you get the help you need. You are unique and special and deserve so much more. My heart goes out to you.
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replied October 3rd, 2009
Hi. Like the others, I can relate to your situation. I hope you will get to a counselor to help you through this while you are young so you can cope with it in the future. You sound like a lovely and sensitive person, and I hope your mom will change, but prepare yourself with some good therapy in case she keeps this attitute toward you for the rest of her life.
I'm in my 50s now, and my mother is in her 80s. She was terrible to me and is still capable of being very mean, but I have lived far away from her for over 30 years, so her opportunities nowadays are limited. My mother is old now, and she doesn't remember a lot of the ridiculous and hurtful things she did just because she was/is mean. I remember all of them. Here's a very bizarre example: when I was in my 20s, for God knows whatever reason, she decided to take a stroll down memory lane one day. She pulled out all of my high school prom and dance photos and cut out my date in every picture--ten years after the fact! I didn't have contact with any of the boys in the photos at the time she cut them out, but it must have given her some weird satisfaction to deprive me of my memories. I'm no psychiatrist, but I know that kind of behavior from a mother is not normal. Growing up in our house, my mother ruled, and I had little freedom. I was always a nice and honest girl and a good student--but my mother was suspicious of me anyway. I missed out on a lot as a young person because my mother's hangups and paranoia got in the way. You're stuck there right now, but remember, if you study and work hard, you can make your own way in this world. Then you can have a relationship with your mother on YOUR terms, not hers, if you want to have one at all. Whatever you do, don't let your mother's issues condition your life. Go ahead and get married, have a family and enjoy your life. You deserve it! Good luck to you, Sweetie.
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replied January 7th, 2010
I feel for you and found your post because I am looking for help for my girlfriend. Her mother was exceptionally controlling and emotionally abusive when she was growing up. She rationalized the behavior but never dealt with the anger. Now she goes through bouts of confusion every time her mother has a new drama. She isolates to protect herself and emotionally detaches. She has done a lot of work to grow as an adult, but her mother still invokes emotional detachment. This keeps her from having & trusting loving relationships. The point is, be careful. This stuff takes a lot to process in life and there will be more than getting help now and/or getting away. Stay true to who you are & good luck.
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replied January 5th, 2012
Take Control before Control Takes You
I know this is a much older post. But I as growing up did the same. I tried to rationalize the behavior until finally at about age 43 as things progressively got worse there was no rationalization left. I always knew and saw the controlling aspects, the never were things good enough, the always it must have been something I did or said. Even when I got married more love and respect was shown to my husband. So crazy. I am now 45 years old. I suffered a traumatic car accident that changed the way I had to live my life. It was at that time that I started to not be able to rationalize or explain away the mental trauma that she caused me. Here I am 45 years old and I have started to see a therapist. 45 and my mother knows exactly how to push all the wrong buttons and bring out all my guilt! I am stressing that anyone that is in a similar position please seek help in dealing with this issue before you become so emotionally closed. For once you have to decide who's life and health is more important yours or hers! Yours! And if you have family they have now become the most important. Mine has watched me suffer for years. And once they got old enough to realize the way she acted and started to act to them, enough was enough! To top my situation off, I found out I was a DCFS child. Wow from one mother who couldn't or wouldn't take care of me to one who became so manipulative and controlling! My dad rest his soul I believe was a huge buffer between my mom and me! God Bless you and never give up. You are and will always be worthy of anyone and any situation, you just have to begin the process of finding your way home to your own heart and mind!
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replied January 31st, 2010
i didnt relise people go through this to it makes me lagh a little but i know it ain't funny well anyways in my situation i come from a huge family of nine kids and im the 2nd oldest of them the oldest girl and this stuff started when i was in grade4 cause my parents divored due toabuse n what not (no one wants to tell me what actually happeand) im now 20 i dealt with extreme abuse both pyhcail n emotition abuse when i was young i looked like my dad you could say a splitimng image lol and i delt with this with food to clam my self and deal with it so i became morbitly obese i had no friends no life and i thought it was me school was and still is my what keeps me going because when ever i go home i enter the war zone i dealt with getting beaten to being spit on yelled at ame shouting at me 2 get out i had no family to go to br=ecause shr=e cut my dad side of the family off and kept only the family who would agree with her so i wouldd talk 2 close family friends and family and when they would come over she became thing innocent sencitivy person that would never heart a fly then i would look like the lier and the crazy one she would ataack me and jumpp me n i love even though she dose this stuff so id hold her back n she would tell people i would attack her and basically she would turn every one against me if my friends would call shed hang up or yell at them im not allowed out my house she dosnt give me money at all she says things like how im the father of the house and that makes you the mother of the house si she expected me to cook and clean the enire house by my self now imagine a 5 bedroom n 3 floors now not all of it but the kitchen the living room and laundry and nothing i did was every right n only till i was starting high school did i even relise what was goin on cus she would tell me never tell anyone whats goin on in the house your just causeing imbarresement toward your self and the rest of the family now im the only person who gets this treatment and my older brother get what every he want cause he gose to universitywhile im tring to finish highschool i was sent to this school for 2 yrs which turned out ti be fake and was useless causing me to behind for two yrs when i was 19 i left cause i couldnt takke it no more and went for 6 months was the happiest time of my life but people could tell there was somthing wrong with me they would say things like why r u so quite while r u so passive and they didnt understand me then i had move bac home cause of situations were my roomate was exactly like my mom so it seems like i attrach people like that butnoe im goin through this agian and worse then ever because i relise that the peoblem was never me that i wasnt the dumb one i wasnt the problem but the problem was when me and my mom were in the same room i guess the sight of me is what triggers her actions and i accepted that so i aviod her as uch as possible but i have a few friends who understand me i put out this confident persona so people who dont know me would never geuss and yeah just always aim for the stars so if u fail u land on the clouds =) fav line in a song wit kanye west but just remebr it can alwasy get worse i thought my situation was bad by i noe a girl whos going through a similair situatuion but its in a diffrent aspect so yea i get u 110 persent and i use music as a strees reliver it really helps jus wen ever ur feelin blue jus blast music and you will get through it alrigh the best for you and u can change this cycle it dosnt have to be bad jus stay positive and noe your a surviviuor no matter what if u can handle it as much as you did i love these things cus ppl dont understan what im goin throu and its a great feeling to get this of my chesti noe things will get better just as soon as i finish my high school gurl boy who ever you r just noe that education is the key in this world no matter what if you can hold your slef up no can stop jus be indpenent and every thing else will fall ino place friends happiness love and repect as long as your doing your self good every one will see what a self repecting person you are and that will prove your mother wrong abd thats my mission in life to be sucsseful so that when i look back ican truley believe that nothing could hold me back
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replied April 4th, 2010
how to deal with guilt over breaking contact with my mother?
like the others here, i have endured a difficult, life-long relationship with my mother. my childhood was lived on edge, and i learned to dislike myself through my mother''s eyes. oh, she kept a clean house, she cooked great meals, and she "seemed" an okay parent to others, but behind closed doors she was hyper-critical, manic-depressive, and prone to rages at the drop of a hat. this continued into adulthood, although, like others here, i moved FAR away. i dreaded the weekly phone call to her that i was obligated to make. every visit home meant some kind of blow-up or hurt, to the point that i felt worn down by the disappointment over her inability to get better, and her disregard for my feelings. a few years ago, after a series of hurtful actions involving both her and my sister, who lives near her and has become very like her, i made the decision to cut off contact. i am definitely happier and freer on a daily basis, but from time to time she calls me, crying to say she misses me and begging me to call her. she has even had a friend make the same appeal to me: that i "leave it all in the past and share your mother''s final years." i feel i can''t, for two reasons. first, i have absolutely no indication that she has changed. second, i just dread the idea of being around her and my sister. yet, i do feel guilty. she is older--71--and she may likely die soon. some part of me feels guilty for not just making the sacrifice, even if i''m miserable again. some part of me, though, just can''t or won''t let me do it. any suggestions, feedback or ideas on how i resolve this nagging guilty, would be welcome. and thanks to all for sharing here.
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replied September 30th, 2011
I am reading your story and found it very helpful because it is the duplicate of my own story. I, too, feel guilty for emotionally detaching myself but it was to save my sanity and finally allow myself power and to truly love myself for who I am without her approval which was never there or if she tried it was just fake anyway because the truth would be snarled at me at a later date. I resent my Dad who totally enabled her unacceptable behaviour. Recently I think he has finally gone off the deep end thanks to her! Literally.
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replied May 27th, 2010
Hi, i have had same thing with my mum as teenager and had to move back at 28 after leaving an abusive relationship, wish id gotten help to deal with how my mum made me feel at the time cos ive seeked love and approval from others ever since to prove her wrong that i was unlovable and unlikable and useless n wouldve been better if hadnt been born. i am assertive with her now and she knows i wont put up with that now i am older but do resent her for telling me it as a teenager and she does try and control me still now living with her, trying to be strong though. think we trust that our mothers will love us and when they dont we think will anyone? - or maybe that is just me? ive clung onto anyone who said they loved me even if cheated on me cos thought what if mum right and im not lovable. latest relationship realised in time just before wedding that had been emotionally abusing me and even said to me well you forgave your mum for doing it so should forgive me (i had trusted him and confided in him) n said dont bother going back to your mums she doesnt care about you. i knew then that he def did not care about me but i still feel weird about living back with mum when she started my pattern of low thoughts about myself, gona work on how i think cos dont wana spend anymore time not feeling like im worthy of being treated with respect.

L
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replied June 7th, 2010
Hi,
I have very similar experiences to people here. Being told the worst things when I was a teenager I feel horrible repeating, and I heard everything she said to my dad because its a small house. I literally dreamed of leaving, then did when I was 18 and didnt speak to her for 5 years. Now I had to go back to live there because I finished uni and couldnt find a job and its been such an enourmous mistake. She is EXACTLY the same person, only worse because of years spent on her own with no job blaming everyone else for her boredom. She goes on about those who dont follow god follow the devil (because Im not religious) calls me a w**re all the time (Ive been with one man for the last 5 years and dress nicely!) and that Id be dead now if i lived in the middle east (where my dad is from but not her) and so on. Every single day. Well Im leaving as soon as I can as I have noticed anxiety problems and depression creeping in and I intend without any doubt to never speak to her again. Im not a firey teenager anymore and I have perspective and I know this is the right decision. I only posted this because I suppose it helps to see other people have made it out and can keep healthy relationships and have a good life and leave a certain person behind them. Im a nice person and I love my friends and my boyfriend is incredible, and I don't think I deserved any of that rubbish from her at all and neither does anybody else, goodluck to everyone!
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replied June 8th, 2010
I relate to all of the stories and can provide the additional insight: it sounds like there are a whole bunch of adult children of narcissist mothers on this thread. I was "diagnosed" with the same dilemma in 2004, after years of therapy in which I believed I was the screwed up one. You can research NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) online and will probably recognize many traits that will make your whole life make sense. The good news is we the children are not to blame for our mothers' mental illness, despite being the butt of it for most of our lives. The bad news is that in many instances the best solution is removing a NPD mother from your life completely, as some stated they've done. With regard to daughters, there is an excellent book by Dr. Karyl McBride with great insights and tips on healing called, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers." Good luck and happiness to you all... there is a better life waiting for you. Smile
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replied June 23rd, 2010
Abusive mom too
My mother has always been abusive too. Especially to me. She always wanted boys and let me know and my sister has diabetes so i think she isn't quite as bad with her. She has threatened to kill me so many times, held knives to my throat when i was a kid, threatened to wreck the car and kill us all. I dreamed of leaving for school and got out at 18. Now I am unemployed and lost my apartment. I tried living with my sister temporarily but she is much the same. She would throw me out homeless when i called the paramedics for her and threw me out the day of a big job interview right before i was to shower.
So, now i live with my rotten mother again. I moved back when i was 32 and worked back up from nothing to get a car and save up for an apartment. When i was looking for a new place she called the police on me and had me committed because she said i was threatening to kill myself. The day i got ou i went drinking and she called in a DUI when i was sitting in the parking lot. Needless to say i missed a weeks wrok and asked my father to tell my work, he called once and said i was sick. I lost my job right before a promotion and couldn't move out.
I'm now 35 and my self esteem is so low because of her. When i try to be nice to her to make peace she acts lilke she can't be bothered, tells me to shut up, lies to my dad that i don't do any housework and make a mess, won't let me do laundry, tells my ex and sister how fat and ugly i am, threatens to call the police and tell them i'm harassing her if i stick up for myself, calls me a fat ugly b8tch or wh8re.
Meanwhile she takes pills and drugs, sleeps all day, never showers, makes a mess and we live in filth (she has been a packrat 20 yrs and wont let anyone clean), and she is twice as fat as me.
I am trying not to have any relationship with her even though its lonely. She is a sociopath.
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replied July 21st, 2010
LITERALLY THE SAME PROBLEM
i literally have the same problem as you...just replace the two sisters with brothers. i can't stand my mom yelling at me for every little thing i do and i can't seem to please her. i'm looking for the same help as you...

does your mom swear uncontrollably? mine does and i tell her to stop but she says no...i even started swearing to make her stop but she doesnt care. the whole swearing thing seems to be the difference between my emotionally abusive mom and other moms.

so anyway, i also need help. i don't want to seem like a bratty teen but this is serious.

i wanted to tell someone this on the computer about a month ago but my mom said i wasn't allowed to use the computer when she wants to use it...which is 24/7.
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replied July 26th, 2010
Abused.
Hey,

I have the same problem as you. My mum abuses Me, my sister and probably my Dad as well. The thing is we can't do anything to sort it, for example I am a teenager and 99.9% of my life I've been brought up to shut up or get a slap or "Don't say sorry because I know you don't mean it" when I actually do.

I have felt suicidal because of this and have even tried to cut myself but I can't bring myself to do it because I know it's the wrong thing to do. Plus, I want to live life to the fullest.

Ever since I was small I was called fat, b*tch, stupid little girl and much more. I never got really any positive conversation. I remember from a young age being pulled down the stairs by my hair and slapping me.

However, to the public eye's my Mum makes it out as if she couldn't hurt a fly and I am the one who makes everything wrong!!

I just don't what to do. I feel like this is never going to end. She makes my choices and doesn't let me decide what I want to do. I feel bad for my sister who is getting treated the same way. We both agree that we feel like it's our fault but when we tell people they say it's our mum's.

We think she's like this from her own upbringing and when our big brother died just after she gave birth to him and also that she never gave me my first feed. I feel like running away because I know that she doesn't love me and to be honest I'm just a doll to her that she can play around with.

I just need help.
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replied October 7th, 2010
Get Away As Soon As You Can
I winded up in a mental hospital because I kept being my mothers punching bag. Just shut her down and save yourself. If you plan a little now, you can be free of her in a few years and then some distance will save your sanity.

Some people should have been sterilized. It's not an excuse to say her parents treated her that way and so she doesn't know better. She knows better, but as long as you let her in, she'll keep doing it. I wish you had had a better mother. I really do. But sometimes we get burdens in our life & hopefully, you'll be able to dump yours soon.

Don't feel guilty for not loving her. She doesn't deserve love, God will take care of her, you take care of yourself.

Cheers.
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replied November 28th, 2010
think aobout her strong points and when she should act on them and doesnt when confronted with you just tell her she isnt being herself
it works trust me
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replied December 28th, 2010
abusive mother
Hi reading this forum I realise I am not alone. I am an adult now but it seems worse dealing with what my mum did and still does to me. My dad has ignored it my whole life so I can't understand if he loved me why he has let mum hurt me for so long. I keep feeling confused that my mum did all these things for me in life- like materialistic things but still said she should have stopped having children after my sister. I have felt suicidal all my life on and off- since I was 9 I tried but failed as I am weak and have no courage. Mum controls my life = even on christmas she didn't speak to me over an argument we had with her trying to control my life. 10 years ago I was going to leave the country but I thought I would stay behind and take care of my parents - and the fact that mum kept saying selfishly not to go and that she wanted me around. Wants me around but to treat me like dirt as she has my whole life. Now it is too late- I cannot go and I am in my 30[s but still feel like that pathetic ugly kid that she used to call me.. Feel so small while everyone else in the family laughs and carries on pretending there is nothing wrong. THanks for sharing so I know I am not alone- especially the adults who are still suffering today. Ifeel sometimes I am the only one who can't forget childhood pain and am so weak
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replied January 20th, 2011
I can agree with you. My mom is on my case 24/7. She tells me im stupid im a person im going to go to special ed puts me down dosn't let me explain myself and on and on. she ALWAYS needs to be right and im tired of it! she tells me she stopped working so i could of had a better life and she regrets it now. my mom would not be able to hold a job she wants to be home all day and i never told her to stay home with me, honestly i'd rather have her work so i dont have to worry about my mom being pissed when i get home and having her scream at me and make me take out my books and study until i go to bed. she CONTROLS my life! if shes in a bad mood she never lets me out, like last weekend i had a 4 day weekend and she only let me out of the house once and thats only cause my dad told her to let me out! she locks me in the house and makes me life that much harder, yes we have our moments but she is honestly to crankest women i ever met! she acts like she was the best child ever meanwhile she barley finished highschool and used many drugs meanwhile she tells me if i pick up a drink shes going to have me 6 feet under 2 minutes latter. I dont care what she says i wanna do whatever i want i try to ignore her but its hard when she never lets you out and yeah i have a nice size house but she always makes me stay by her when shes pissed so she can make someone else missrable! yes i understand my sister does go through a learning disablity and epliepsy but does that make her the star child? i can honestly say no exageration the longest punishment my sister ever had was 3 hours! and shes 17 years old! seriously that is redicious if you look at the fact that i get punished for months. she wants my grades up butwhen i get them up a little she ignores it and just focuses on something bad i did so i figured whats the point nothing i ever do is good enough for this lady i do good she brings out the bad so why not just do bad and be treated the same way. yes i understand its my future but i dont care about my future anymore! I want to run away badly but dont know how and if i do i know she'll find me and that wont be fun. ive had suicide attempts but im too scared of death. i always think of it and think and relize i cant do it no matter how bad i want to. if there was one thing i wish i could do is overcome my fear of death so i can just kill myself already and make her and everyone happy already i dont know what to do and i dont know what you should do i really hope you dont do anything stupid like i want to
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