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Q: emotional abuse

asked by: Smurffette on July 1st, 2008

New User

i'm really hoping that y'all can help me out here.

My boyfriend has been giving me the silent treatment for nearly a month. The thing is, he acts like all is well, says he still loves me, thinks we are good together etc..but then pull this "emotional disappearing" act on me.

One time when I didn't hear from him for nearly 2 weeks, I was pretty vocal about questioning whether we were still together or not and and even said " guess im single' *yay* to cover up the pain of him not bothering to make contact for all that time. Well, I think he took that seriously, because he asked me if the any of the few messages I left him while he was "away" were nasty? Honestly, what am i supposed to think when my bf up and disappears on me for 2 weeks!? Thing is we spoke about it and I explained that I thought he left me etc... and he said he was sorry and that things were OK-or so I thought...

Ever since then he has disappeared on me emotionally. Is never "available" even though he "right there." won't return messages/ calls, ims etc... The strange thing is, is that when I called him 2 weeks after he disappeared on me (yes, he left me when he knew I had been upset) he was seemingly elated to hear from me. So, what the hell?

I would like to know what is up, but he doesn't respond to me at all. I don't want to keep pestering him about this, but this silent treatment thingy is really starting to anger me and I don't know what the hell to think.

I really love him,and I can't help but think my "single" comment is what put him off,but I don't believe (especially after clearing it all up) that it rendered me deserving of this emotional abuse! In all fairness, up until that point it had been me making all the effort in our relationship, and he is the one who is upset!?
He told me he knows he can talk to me about anything I have done that has upset him, but he DOESN'T! He only pulls this behavior on me. My heart is breaking and he continues to ignore me. Why is it ok for him to act however he wants to, but then he sulks and gets mad when I do something "wrong."

Is he sad, angry, or what? Should I return the favor? What can I do to get through to him.

Please offer me some advice and support...

Replies(6)

rooted

replied on July 1st, 2008

Supporter

Well, I think he's just not that into you.

Dodging you and your needs might be a way that he is "communicating" this, by virtue of not saying anything at all.

If you're ready for an emotional connection with someone, I'd suggest you leave this relationship. Nothing you say or do will make him available. Be clear with him about what you want: intimacy. If he's not able to dish it up, there is someone else out there for you who can.

Smurffette

replied on July 1st, 2008

New User

The silent treatment and habitual lying is abusive regardless of how is he "feeling" it's also a cowardly way of communicating things!

rooted

replied on July 9th, 2008

Supporter

I'd agree with you. How long have you been together and how long had this behavior been going on?

Also ... what can you take from this relationship (lessons, requirements) into the next? What warning signs can you look out for and what will you tolerate? What can you NOT tolerate?

worrywart01

replied on July 9th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

i agree with rooted...i think he's too much of a wuss to break things off so basically he's giving you the bare minimum and hoping you'll do the dirty work..someone that cares about you should respect your feelings/needs and he isn't doing any of this....honestly do you want to put up with this anymore? when you know theres a guy out there that will return your love and give you the attention/affection you need

Smurffette

replied on July 11th, 2008

New User

Thanks guys for your replies...

The strange thing is, I mentioned the idea of having an open relationship, which he didn't go for. I also always gave him the option to go out with somebody else, instead of me if he ever wanted to. I always let him know he was free to do that if he met somebody else. So, I'm wondering why he would think he couldn't break it off with me if that truly is the case? Doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

I find his game playing more of a control, manipulative thing above all...

I don't think my breaking it off would be me doing the dirty work. I think the way he has been acting (emotional games, lies, ignoring etc..), to be far more dirty then anything I could do from here on out...

Rosie H

replied on July 11th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

even if thats is the case...he still sounds like too much work for too little reward.

sounds bad I know but think about it. You are here trying to understand him and trying to be supportive no matter what. You are taking time out of your happiness and feelings to cater to his. And what are you getting in return?

only more games and more of a distance between you too.

an open relationship could be ok for you, but then why even bother? it sounds like you need the emotional connection to be satisfied. I say move on and find someone that will put the same amount of work in as you do.

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