Okay. Hello all. I am new and this is my first time ever reaching out to complete strangers but I am at a complete loss and have no idea what to do or where to go. i am 31 years old. When I was 21 I met this guy at a bar and we chatted. We went out for a couple of dates and weren't really into each other, he is 11 years older than I so at the time 32. We parted mutually, no interest. I was young and free, he thought I was flakey. Then 5 years later we met again, after 5 years with zero contact, no emails no phone calls, nothing. Just randomly at a different bar 14 states away. We had both been living in the same area for the past 1 year and instantly fell in love. The first year was good. Okay that is not completely true. We had been dating for about 2 months and there was no sex. I was not sure why and asked, I wondered if he had a wife on the side or something but no. Eventually we did have sex but I thought it was odd he had very little interest. I felt like our story was straight out of a movie, I was smitten and he was everything I ever wanted. I fell a lot harder than he did and wanted to live with him forever. I was 25, he was 36. About 6 months into our relationship I sat him down and had a conversation with him about the way he talked to me. I felt he was always talking "down" to me and it made me feel inadequate to him, worthless, and not good enough. That was only the beginning. We have been having that exact same conversation for the past 6 years. It never stopped, it all just got really bad. His main complaint with me was that I was constantly threatening to leave him and the relationship. I think internally I threatened because deep down I knew that I should leave, that I deserved more. But I didnt leave. I stayed. A year into our relationship, he lost his job and was forced to move 3 states away but still within driving distance, abt 3 hours. We were having more and more issues, I felt he wasn't committing to me, he wasn't open and intimate. The sex ended about a year after it started. We weren't getting along and having fun, I was dealing with some anxiety issues, which I now wonder if weren't caused by my situation. Anyhow, we were doing the long distance thing where we would spend weekends together, each of us driving every other weekend. I was also put off in the beginning by the fact that he didnt introduce me to any of his friends or family, I didnt meet his mother for the first 18 months of our relationship. His relationship with his mother is very odd. She is constantly begging for him to spend time with her, call her, be a part of her life. Kinda like me. Constantly begging. So while we are living apart, 2 years into our relationship I had a 2 week affair. Purely sexual but I am a girl who NEEDS sex. I didn't tell him about it and picked someone who had a girlfriend (i know its bad, but I am going to be straight up honest about my wrongs too) so that it could be purely sexual. it was and its been long over. Meanwhile, he was in Connecticut having a full blown out 9 month relationship with another woman. She had no idea of me and finally one night while looking thru his phone, jotted down my number. She called me and we all three met face to face. He denied the exact nature of his relationship with her and convinced me that he wanted to be with me and only me. I personally felt guilty for what I'd done so I opened up and offered my faults. I told him what I had done and in my head thought tit for tat. We cancelled each other out so we can rebuild and we will prevail. I love the man. He is my everything, the problem I think is that I have never been his everything and I so desperately want that so I stay. Thinking if I change this or that or do this or that.. I will wake up one day and be his everything. We vowed to never speak to these people again and I was going to move to where he was. So we move in together. Nothing really changes, we fight and I cry and I beg for his attention, affection, sex, understanding, depth. I beg and beg and beg. Like a dog. We spent 18 months completely celibate but I kept at it. I continued to try to get this man to love me. During this time I am also getting depressed. I have really bad thoughts of myself, suicidal. I feel ugly everyday and unlovable. Worthless, completely worthless. I don't feel good enough. I constantly tell him how I am feeling and what I need and he changes that into "you are demeaning me and cutting me down and verbally abusing me. you talk to me like crap, you are mean to me. you are always putting me down." I honestly do not feel like I am. I feel like I am expressing my needs. The only things I say to him are "you are not here for me, you don't love me, we dont have sex. etc etc etc." He claims I am abusing him. Maybe I could get some input here. I do threaten to leave often. So we go to 3 different therapists and no one seems to be able to help the situation. Anyhow, so after 2 years of this, I meet this guy. Nice guy. Understanding, open, and gives me what I need. Tells me how great I am, how beautiful, how smart. Purely. I use this as a catalyst to leave the relationship and move out. I get a place of my own and he starts therapy on his own where he discovers he has been depressed the past 2 years and has all these realizations and he wants to be with me, marry me, have children, he will treat me right...he promises. So I am seeing this new guy quite often and he has me gps tracked on my car, checking my emails, phone records, keeping dibs on everything I am doing. I am in turmoil. He tells me how horrible I am that I started seeing new guy while I was living with him and lied about it. Which is also true. I did lie and cover up the times that I saw new guy. Anyhow, so we decided to "work it out". Meanwhile for the previous 7 months I find out that he has been back seeing THE SAME girl (yes this is where I know I should be committed) again. AGAIN. So what do I do? I get on a plane and fly out to Vegas to see him cuz that is where he is when I find out. We spend 2 weeks doing nothing but having sex and fun. We are going to forgive it all again, put new guy and 2nd time with girl to the side and get engaged, move to a new city and all is going to be paradise. So, its been 6 weeks in paradise. He has taken my ring off my finger 2x and I have taken it off once. I am not wearing it now. He has ended our engagement. We have had sex 1 time since Vegas. We made each other alot of promises when we made this step, how things were going to be different, we were going to build the best life. A clean slate. Fresh new start. No one but us 2. He is still cold and distant all the time. I constantly beg for attention, love, understanding, sex. etc. etc. I now threaten to kick him out cuz he is not on the lease so I threaten to call the cops and have him removed. I also broke my promise and spoke to new guy via telephone and email. After one month of not seeing any progress or change, I took his call (i didnt take his calls or emails at all previously). After one month of the same fights the constant battling the no sex I was desperate to hear something nice, so I called. I know it wasn't right and I know I broke my promise. He is now saying that he is going to move out and find a roommate. My struggle is that I love him and I can't get out of this cycle. I may have abandonment issues I don't know. I may be addicted to him or the relationship or something but I can't cut the ties. I love him and I still think there is something I can do to make things right. I feel its half by fault even though I have put my entire heart and soul in this relationship and would marry him tomorrow. still. Should we go to therapy here and try to get past the issues we can't seem to get past. I am now 32 he is 43. I want to have children and I know this sounds crazy but I dont want to live my life without him. Is it possible to get past all this? Is is possible to die of a broken heart? I know after reading this you're probably like....how can she even think about fixing this again but I am. I am thinking still.....how can I get this man to love me? Love me the way that I deserve to be loved. Just like that very first conversation we had in month 6.....6 years later I am still asking the very same question. I feel like a fool. I have become that couple that make up and break up and make up and break up and the very reason they're together is the exact reason they shouldn't be (meg ryan...when a man loves a woman). That is not how I want this life to go. I know in my head but for some reason my heart will not allow me to take action and I don't know where to go for support. I looked up support groups but this online thing is all that came up. I don't really have the money right now to see another therapist but I need help. My friends all think I am sick and scared and need to grow up. They are sick of always hearing about the fights, the crying, the why can't I leave him/s. They are fed up too. Any suggestions? I am sorry its so long.