The other day I searched "depression, lack of motivation" on google. I did this because lately it sums up how I have been feeling. What came up was this website. Although I was a bit reluctant to make an account, I decided I should give it a go.

From time to time, I've gone through phases where I've just felt lonely and sad. Recently, I feel like this is more predominant. I feel like my motivation to do things depletes day by day. And worse, I feel like trying is pointless. My inevitable mentality these days is, "why try when we'll just die eventually?" Sometimes I even have somewhat suicidal thoughts. I have an interest in what comes after this life. But I'm not going to kill myself, I have that much self-control. I know it is depressing and I wish I didn't feel that way, but i just do.

I've always had strong interests and vast ambitions. I play in a band and several orchestras. My music has taken me all around the world at a young age. I've been to countries such as Iceland, Norway, Denmark etc. playing music. Soon, I will be going to Spain, Morocco, Portugal, Madeira, Canary Islands, and Palma di Maiorca. Last year at 15, I performed at Carnegie Hall in NYC in addition to many well known festivals in New York. My band has been told "you guys are gunna make it huge" and other big compliments. Reciting these acomplishments makes me proud you could say, but once again I ask myself, what's the point? My interest to pursue these things leaves me more and more. Additionally, an endless stream of events has plagued me from making it any closer to achieving anything I care about. There's no limit to how much misfortune my band has gone through in the past few months and as I type this I'm waiting to hear from my keyboard player to tell me if we have or have not lost every single file we have been recording as of late. He might not know tonight being our computer is beyond horrible but that makes it that much worse being I have no idea when I will know the outcome. My goal to become a musician is ripped from me more and more each day.

In addition to music, I have a great interest in nature. I've been interested in it since I was very young. The fact that creatures can live in such perfect harmony for millions of years just amazes me. On the other hand, humans have destroyed so much of our planet in the short span of time we have inhabited it. I've done many camps and whatnot at zoos and community service at animal hospitals and my love has never left me. My goal is to try to do something in conservation and go to a place like Africa and get involved with the conservational work there. But recently, I feel there is no point of even trying cuz my work will do nothing but stand as a small pebble for some ignorant, nescient being to destroy.

My ambitions have revolved around these two things and further on in my life, my ideas flourished into the concept of trying to do something big with my life. I wanted to help the world; sought out it's problems. But this too seems pointless.

Recently as well, my misanthropic feelings have spiked. I see through the idiots I have to live each day with. I don't want to judge people, but I can't see anything more in them than unintelligent fools that pose as nothing more then a malevolent hope for our country and our world. Even more, I see a parent to child trend which leads me to believe these kids will never change and continue to destroy all that is good in the world.

Frustration is another big factor. Things have always frustrated me a lot. Little things, things that are so insignificant. But I can't help it and they drive me up the wall. Even signing up for this website! I had to type in my info like 8 times because I kept messing up the code that makes sure you're not a robot.

Another thing is a growing anger within my family. Although it rarely involves me directly, I sometimes I feel like it affects the most. There is constant, and I mean constant, arguing and screaming between my mother and brother. As I type this I hear them screaming. I really kills me to hear it and leaves me really hurt inside.

With all these problems ravaging, I suddenly realized I might have some kind of disorder or depression, I don't even know. I have thought I might have before, but I always pushed the idea out of my head. So I searched what I mentioned before and got this. I try not show these feelings in front of my family but it always cuts through. They always know when something is wrong. But I don't want to go to them and say I think I need to see someone or whatever I need. Besides, I don't even think seeing a psychologist would really help. I'm afraid of telling people I think I might have a problem.

Today I was looking at disorders that relate to my life lately. I came across Dysthymia. Of the symptoms I saw, I have them all. Feelings of hopelessness, insomnia, poor concentration or difficulty making decisions, low energy and fatigue, low self-esteem, and poor appetite. I have been feeling all these things lately and very much so indeed. Could this be the source of these feelings?

Thanks for helping me, it means so much.