dysthymia and feeling alone Posted: 05-29-08 10:29am
I'd like to put something relevant in the
subject. But I dont know what it is I
want. My therapist told me yesterday
people who fall deeper and deeper into
depression (In my case, I have dysthymia)
typically dont search for help. Myself,
I'm forcing myself to grasp for others
before the door shuts for me.
So what I may type may be a little long
winded, but I need someone to just listen.
I feel alone and sterile. I had a girl a
few weeks ago who was literally straddling
me and kissing all over me. Every 16 year
old's dream. Not mine. Every time she'd go
to kiss me, I'd be so uninterested in both
her, and the actual kissing. I couldn't
get anything out of it whatsoever. Well,
word got around to my ex. My ex kind of
messed with me for a few months. She kept
holding me on, reassuring that she liked
me, but couldn't deal with a relationship.
I respected this, as I typically like to
take things slow anyway. A week after
telling me she loved me, it ended. Love
for some is a fickle thing, but not for
me. It meant something. Well anyway, my ex
found out about the girl I was involved
with, and was taken over with jealousy and
regret.
Skipping forward about a month and a half,
the other girl moved, and I'm still
talking to my ex. I get something out of
her. It feels good to be excited around
her. To hug her, and not feel like i'm
awkwardly hugging a stump (I use this in
regards to any person I hug), is something
refreshing to me. But how long can it
last? Some friends have told me to just
give it a shot, but I don't wanna go
through the heartbreak that I did last
time.
I've begun to hate myself. I wallow in my
self pity, and cant bring myself out of
it. I'll admit, I can argue a point, and
throughout time I've done alot of studying
to know what I'm talking about. So it
seems whenever someone tries to help me, I
fight for my own pessimistic views, that
it seems that I'm pushing everyone else
away. I can understand why they wouldnt
want to help someone like me, I'm
difficult and not worth their time.
I guess I've come here because I know
there are others here. Anywhere else,
this'd be seen like a cry for attention.
Attention wouldnt do anything for me, it'd
just feel like I have judging eyes all on
me. I just want some neutral
rationalization. Not "Look at the bright
side". Something that makes sense.
