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Drunken abusive partner

I am 28 years old and I have been with my partner for going on 8 years. She has always had a problem with alcohol, when she drinks she gets extremely angry and I get the full force of her, and she is a very heavy smoker.

when she fell pregnant a few years ago I really thought things would change but she demanded none alcoholic lager and carried on smoking. When she was 6 months pregnant she decided to carry on drinking 5% lager. I begged her to stop I broke down in tears but she said that I'm not telling her what she can and can't do.
Our daughter being born was supposed to be the happiest time of my life but I knew that my partner would go straight back to the drink. Sure enough we arrived home and within 5 minutes she gone to the shop and bought 5 bottles of wine. The 1st evening of my daughter being at home was absolute hell. My partner got so drunk she could barely speak.
I love her more than anything and I do everything I can to support us and our family.
She is absolutely perfect during the day and all the previous evenings abuse is forgotten about.
I have confronted her about her drinking and heavy smoking but she just starts shouting at me.

She now gets drunk every night and screams and shouts abuse at me. We can't go out because she drinks up to 3 bottles of wine, she accuses me of looking at other people and she stares and flirts with everyone she goes near just to try get a reaction from me so she can justify kicking off.

We both have good jobs but we never have any money spare, I don't drink, smoke, go out or see any of my mates. She goes out regularly with her mates and often stays out late drinking. When she arrives home she is extremely drunk and starts shouting at me. The abuse consists of calling me horrible names saying that my daughter isn't mine telling me that she's gonna go out and sleep with other people. She tells me to get out of her house or she'll call the police.
Last year she went to her freinds house at about 11am drinking, she text me demanding that I pick her up and when I got there she littrally crawled into the car. Straight away she started saying horrible things to me on front of my daughter. When we arrived home she crawled onto the driveway and into the house. This was at about 6pm, I bathed our daughter and put her to bed whilst my partner fell asleep on the settee. After about an hour she woke up. She was still really drunk and started shouting at me. She ran out into the street hysterically screaming then attacked me. She kicked and punched me in the front garden and I tried my best to restrain her without hurting her. Our neighbours are police officers so they called the police. When they arrived I explained what had happened but they said that it's normally the male which is the aggressive person so they arrested me. Since then every night of the week she gets drunk and threatens me with the police.

A normal evening consists of ne getting home from work then playing with my daughter for an hour or so then I bath her and get her ready for bed. Whilst I'm doing that my partner is in the kitchen cooking tea, drinking and smoking. By the time I've given our daughter her supper, taken her to bed, read her a story and stayed with her until she is fast asleep, I go down stairs to my drunk partner and spend the rest of my evening listening to verbal abuse and threats. I've found that if I dare to argue back it's like throwing petrol on a fire and she gets worse and worse, the abuse on a week night can go on to anything up to 3am.

I feel ashamed if myself and I seriously lack confidence when talking to people, I was never like this before I met her. I have nightmares about her accusing me of things I haven't done and would never dream of doing. But my main focus is being a good dad and spending every second with my daughter laughing and playing or taking her out to parks and play gyms.
Every month I hand over my entire wage to her and if I need anything like petrol I have to ask then she questions me as to why my petrol has run out and who am I seeing. I worked out that she spends over £400 a month on ciggarettes and booze and she says that I'm selfish.

My daughter is now 3 and is my entire life, I don't want to leave her but the drunken abuse is getting too much. She says that if I leave I'll never see my daughter again and she'll get a real man to bring her up properly. She says that I would have to give her my entire wage because the debts she has run ip have to be paid.

I am in a living he'll and I just can't see a way out if it at all.
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replied May 21st, 2010
Do you have mutual friends that see her act out? If so there are witnesses for a divorce. It is getting more common for the man to get custoday of children than 10 years ago. I can tell you from experiance the only time she will change is when she wants. Hope I help you some.
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replied May 21st, 2010
Hello,

Thank you for your reply. We don't have any mutual freinds and she lies to her freinds about what happens. She is really good at putting on an act in front of people so no one ever sees what she's really like.
Although she did once slip up. A few years ago I went to pick her up from a Christmas party. I waited for her by the door whilst she staggered around the dance floor. She suddenly got it into her head that I'd been kissing a girl that I'd not spoken to or been near. She grabbed this girl and threw her against the wall and started shouting at her then stormed out quickly followed by me. It took me nearly an hour to get her to the car whilst she screamed at me in the street in front of loads of people.
She won't admit that she had a problem with drink. Her freinds tell her that she's doing nothing wrong having a glass of wine to relax on an evening. But she has 3 or 4 bottles a night and kicks off.
I try my best to avoid her on an evening and just wish for the moment she goes to bed and falls asleep.
She said that I've ruined our sex life because I don't go near her but I can't ho near her because she is drunk and angry.
I used to get 1 or 2 nights where she was ok with me but now it's 7 nights a week of the most horrible abuse you can imagine. She really doesn't hold back anything.

I'm really scared of going for full custody because I work full time and can't afford full time childcare.
My partner works part time and only works 3 afternoons a week when my daughter goes to nursery.
She gets paid about £450 per month so basically she spending her entire wage on cigs and booze. she wanted a car so We went and bought her a car, then she wanted a laptop so we had to ho and buy her a laptop. I drive an old knackered car even though I'm on a decent wage and She says that I'm selfish
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replied May 31st, 2010
I can tell your not in the u.s. But do you have any type of child care assistance or tax returns. If you make too much income you might have to wait till you can save alittle money. I Suggest talking to your family and see if they could help with sitting with children while your at work. After a few months she will hit rock bottom and realize she has a problem. Either she will want help or she will find someone else to enable her drink habbit.
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replied June 3rd, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
I highly suggest you leave and go for full custody, no one should be treated like that regardless of if its a man or woman. I have been in a very similar boat and the best thing I did was leave, it took me three times but I did it and couldn't be happier with my life (even though I still have my bad days.)

I understand that you still care for the person, I use to say the same thing but what you really care for is being comfortable and knowing that there is some financial stability. Its hard, having been there I know it is but after a few months you realize there is a whole world out there waiting to be seen, waiting to be discovered and to walk on a new path.

All I can say is for once you need to be selfish and think about yourself, you need your mates, your family and possibly some outside help (counsellor etc.) If ever you want to chat drop me a personal message, I'm not here to judge but I wish you the best of luck.
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replied June 3rd, 2010
Get out, DO NOT STAY for your daughter.
My mum was alcoholic, I WISH my dad had left. Im now 39. Looking back, my dad because he loved her, enabled her.
That wasnt good for her, for him, and no way good for me.
I would seek full custody of my child, get evidence of her lack of control. Video, tapes etc. Anything you can to prove she cannot look after the child at night and you are the primary carer.
Good luck. please dont stay cause of your child, she will hate you later for it.
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replied June 4th, 2010
Oh my god that is very sad my ex was like that that is really sad. It never changes I gave my ex 6 and a half years hoping that one day he would treat me better that day never came it just got worse. You cant let your daughter be around this and witness that kind of behaviour that will be so damaging for her. Sometimes in a relationship we become blind to whats right and whats wrong but I believe the best way to tell is if it feels wrong if it feels horrible than it is. You really need to do something to change that situation there are plenty of support services around that will I suggest you talk to them good luck Smile
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replied September 9th, 2010
Alcoholic partners that we love but have to leave.
I cried when I heard your story because my partner was exactly the same. He would be fine during the day when he wasnt drinking but as soon as he finished work at 3.30pm he would head straight to the bottle shop and drink until he passed out. He was always abusive toward me and treated me so badly. He drank seven nights a week without fail. And more when he was with his mates or on special occasions (He ruined every special occasion I can think of with his drunken behavior, he constantly disappointed me and broke my heart). I made him a really special valentines day card one year and he tore it into pieces in one of his drunken episodes. He would tell me I was a worthless Wh**e! and a mental case and that no one loved me. He would call me even worse things that I cannot type here. He lied about his drinking and other things all the time. He even swore on the life of his unborn child that he didnt go to the pub this one particular evening, but I rang the pub and they confirmed that he had been there. Another night he said he was tired and going to bed early and swore on my life that he was, so I didnt go around to see him, when I called him later that night he could hardly talk of course he was drunk and had been at the pub. He would wet the bed often (he's 31) which was a major problem as sleeping with him I ran the risk of getting peed on. He would punch holes in things when he was angry and threaten to punch me. He cheated on me a few times but I took him back because I loved him. Its so hard when you love them because the next day their back to their normal self and expect you to be loving towards them, they dont acknowledge how badly they behaved. But I made the decision to leave him, I was 21 weeks pregnant at the time but there was no way I was going to raise our child in the kind of hell I was living in every day with him. I moved away. Its nice to hear i'm not alone and others can understand what its like. I hope everyone experiencing this finds the strength to leave and when you finally do you'l wish you had of done it sooner.
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replied September 9th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
so sorry to hear what you are going through, my advice...leave and take your daughter with you, she doesnt deserve to see and hear the abuse that is going on around her and if you get evidence that your wife is an alcoholic and a angry one, like a video or tape recording, and find a solicitor i feel you would have a very strong case. please leave even if its just until youre wife admits she has a problem and gets help. good luck and keep us posted...Jenny
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replied August 15th, 2013
Hate to say this but she needs psychiatric help. She sounds like a victim of abuse since young. I have had the same in my life and I do abuse alcohol sometimes. Not enough to have it affect my life. I have met someone that is just like her. He is a twin like me. He has had his hell like me--his mother died when he was 6. I have had my hell too--my father stabbed my step father with his own wife when I was 7. I have had to put up with the step father trying to abuse me since 7 till 14. No one ever believed me but blamed me for wrecking a 'supposed good life'. I am now 51 and have met an abusive partner who is great when he isn't drunk but turns into a monster when he is f@#$ed up on alcohol. I never stop trying to raise my daughter well but it seems he loves to be abusive just to over power me in quiet times.

One day he wants to give me everything and the next he wants to take it all away. I have had this s$#t all my life. I am amazed I haven't turned into a nut case. I also understnad Aileen Wuornos. I watched the movie monster last night and it made me cry so much coz I do know how it is to be abused and blamed for no reason but to be vulnerable. My mum didn't help any as all through my life she just never really wanted to know. I have brought up a 15 year old beautiful girl now and the older she gets the more I realise how my life was ugly and how much I have endured. I am not sure If I can stand to live a lot longer as life is becoming worse. No matter where I am ....inside me is killing me. I am happy I took out life insurance as I think I have 6 months to go before I kill myself. I hope things are better soon.
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