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Q: Drug addiction in my family?

asked by: JH52 on July 30th, 2009

New User

About a year and a half ago my daughter met this guy who was ten years older than her. They moved in together while she was still in college. After about six months she told us that she was pregnant. Soon after they got married. After my grandaughter was born they very suddenly moved back home. Lived with her mother and I for about six weeks. During that six weeks both my wife and I noticed that our new son-in law had some kind of drug problem. Neither of us knew much about him so I started asking questions.
Every since then our daughter, that we used to be so close to, has been keeping her distance from us. We have found out that he wasn't working while she was in college and they were living together. They blew through her savings account of about $9000.00 and she took out student loans for them to live off of. He didn't have any credit so everything was put in her name. Now all their bills are months behind. Her credit is ruined at age 22.
Just within the past month or so she has started to open up to us a little because she needs money. She has addmitted to us that he is and has been addicted to opiants for some time now. Heroin, morphine,oxycontin, percocet, and hydrocodone, whatever is available to him.
I went and talked to him and offered to get him into a drug rehab program. I even took him the names and numbers of some places I had found, after some research I'd done. He agree, but never went! I think he just agreed because he knows where the money is coming from.
I've advised my daughter to give him a choice of cleaning up or her and him are done. I said it a little nicer than that! Now she is mad at her mother and me again for telling her how to run her life!
Now down to the decision my wife and I have made. We have decided to quit paying their bills. Our daughter has been a enabler for him for all this time, but we have decided we will not be. We are afraid for our daughter and our grandaughter because of the type people that he hangs out with and the money he has barrowed from everyone he can, to get that next fix! I tryed to stay out of this even when I suspected that he had a problem. Now that I know what has and is going on I feel like I've got to do something. My wife knows their finances and says that it will only be a matter of time before our refusing to give her money will sink them completely!
I feel really bad and don't think that my daughter will ever understand that I am doing this because I love her! Maybe someday after I'm gone she'll get it. We have both set down and talked to her about this situation many times. It almost seems like she is under a spell of some kind.
Thanks to everyone who reads this and please reply if you think we are doing the wrong thing or if you know of anything we could do that would be more effective in dealing with our daughter!!
Again Thanks!
Jeff

Replies(8)

Duchess23

replied on July 30th, 2009

New User

There is a fine line between supporting someone and enabling them. The decision that you made, to me, is a prime example of tough love. Although it is impossibly difficult, if you continue to give her money, you are furthering his addiction, co-signing their behavior, and, in a very real sense, helping their lifestyle to continue. You have pointed your son-in-law in the direction of the help that he needs via rehab and twelve-step programs. And, it has been my experience, that he will receive that help when he has hit his bottom and the pain becomes great enough to make changes. I believe it is the same with your daughter: When the pain of enabling him and the toll that it is taking on her family becomes greater than whatever benefit she is receiving from this relationsip: be it "love", "stability" etc., then she will make the changes necessary. Until then, your financial support not only encourages these behaviors. but helps them to continue. The biggest concern from your story is that of your grandchild and what toll this is indubitably taking on her. I think your decision is an example of not only tough love, but unconditional. Best of luck.

JH52

replied on July 30th, 2009

New User

Thanks Duchess23!
My wife and I want this relastionship to end as quick as possible because of the very concern you mentioned. Our grandaughter is nine months old and the less time she spends in this atmosphere the better.

rightside

replied on July 30th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

Duchess23 is absolutely right. You are doing the best thing you can to get your daughter to realize she is with someone who is toxic to her and your granddaughter. As hard as it is going to be to watch them hit rock bottom, that's exactly what she needs to have happen before she can admit that her husband is out of control and should no longer use you or her as his personal bank. I sincerely hope your granddaughter is safe from this man. It's hard to believe that your daughter would put her child's life in his hands knowing that he is a drug addict. Does your daughter also use drugs? I am praying that she doesn't, but if you find that she is also using, you might have to look into options concerning the care of the child. They are not setting good examples for her upbringing, and if they don't get help, this is the kind of life she will also learn to live.

Duchess23

replied on July 30th, 2009

New User

Anytime. =) My hope is that you stick by your decision because manipulation is a very big part of this lifestyle. And I also hope that if this continues, no matter how difficult, that you will look into some healthy alternatives for your grandaughter.

JH52

replied on July 30th, 2009

New User

Thanks raven 53 for letting me know that you also think we are doing the right thing! Because at this point I'm questioning my own ability to think logically. No, she is not on drugs and never has been that we know of. We all go to the same family doctor. Once this came out I talked to him about it. He somehow had her to have bloodwork done, then assured her mother and I that she was not on drugs. She works hard everyday. He sleeps till noon,then he waits till she gets home from work so he can have the car, that her mother bought her, to go run with his buddies all night.
She actually thinks that she can support their household and his habit on $8.00 an hour! I know love is blind, but blind people can still do the math! She was in her third year of a music education degree with a 3.6 GPA and had auditioned into the only National Guard Concert Band in our state straight out of high school. The military was paying for her degree. All she had to do was go somewhere and play her Saxophone for an hour or two a couple times a month at the most. After meeting this guy she has quit school and is now trying to get out of the military. She will not let him keep the baby because of his mood swings. We keep the baby when we can, but both my wife and I work. The baby also spends a lot of time at day care which she cannot afford either. We pay for that just so the baby won't be left alone with him! We have told both her and him that if anyting at all happens to that child we will not hesitate to report it to CPS!

rightside

replied on July 30th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

Good for you on laying down the law about your granddaughter. You are thinking perfectly logically as far as I am concerned. I like to put it to these kids this way...I'd say to your daughter... what did you get out of this marriage? "Look what he got for a wife..a woman who works, takes care of her daughter, gives him money, and takes on all the responsibility. And what did YOU get for a husband? A drug addicted free-loader who uses her and her parents for money to get his next high." Sometimes you have to point out the obvious, but only do this when and if you are arguing with her over this situation. If you just come out with it, she'll get defensive. Telling her that little scenerio gives her something to think about...

Does she ever argue with him about his drug habit? If she does, that's a good sign that at least it does bother her. Sooner or later she is going to get sick of supporting his habit. When she sees other married couples working together to make their family happy, and here she is, doing most of it herself, she should snap out of living in fantasy land.

It's really hard to watch your child hook up with someone who does drugs. I feel for you, but you have to let her know you will not be a part of it anymore. If she is hell bent on enabling him, she'll have to go it alone. Don't listen to any guilt trips she might throw at you either. Be strong. She knows just how far she can manipulate you into helping her, and she may use your granddaughter as leverage, so just hang in there, and let her know if you absolutely have to be a part of this, all you will do is whatever your granddaughter needs ONLY. That's it. Drug addicts do not get cured unless they want help..they only get worse, and it will be a matter of time before it starts to escalate into some real problems for your daughter. Hopefully she will see the light in time.

JH52

replied on July 30th, 2009

New User

raven53
We went on vaction last week. While we were gone, she moved out and back in with him twice. About a month ago she moved out for about a week. She told us that she told him that she wasn't moving back in until he could prove he was clean. She didn't stick to what she said, she even went back to their apartment and cleaned and did his laundry while she was out. To answer your question, yes they are arguing about the drug use and his not working. I love my daughter and my granddaughter, but this one of the worst situations I've ever had to deal with. Anything I do makes me the bad guy.
Thanks!

rightside

replied on July 30th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

Well, it's a good thing that they are fighting over this..it means your daughter is bothered by his behavior. She is conflicted over it all. She will have to weigh her love for him over the welfare of herself and her daughter sooner or later.

You will NEVER be the bad guy. You are doing what you have to do for the salvation of your child and grandchild. If she resents anything you do now, she will thank you for it later. For now, don't worry whether you are the bad guy or not. If you stood before a judge and told him this story, he would side with you EVERY TIME. She is now a parent herself...ask her what she would do if HER daughter came home married to a guy like this? It's a huge possibility if she stays with this loser, as it's all the child will learn living with him. Maybe if she realizes this, she might change her way of thinking, but something tells me she already know this in her heart. Sometime it's hard for kids to admit to their parents that they made a mistake. Let her know that if she ever decides to rid herself of this albatross, FOR GOOD...you will be there to support her. That's about all you can do. My heart just breaks for you, but this is something she has to find out for herself, and it will be a good lesson for her. She can't change him. Only HE can do that. God bless.

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