Basically, this is what happened (from how it began -to- present):
a few years ago (I was 18-19) I assaulted my father because he used to abuse me when I was much younger. He'd beat me for the little things, such as: not wanted to memorize a 15min prayer (my family is catholic), or he'd beat me after he got a phone call from my teacher for disrupting the class, or for running around the house and playing with my sister (he owns a private practice and has his own study at home)... Etc etc etc... He had a very strict (European) upbringing and so he thought since it worked for him it would also work for me. It did work on me but it also made me very angry at him. He wasn't only physically abusive, he was also mentally abusive. Anyway, back to the incident that led to my mom calling the cops, etc: I came home drunk after a party and my father started yelling at me... one thing led to another (usually, I don't raise my voice, but because I was drunk, I didn't care... and... viola)... I am much taller and heavier than my father, so I overpowered him, threw him on the ground, and began to choke him (he also had his hands around my neck). Due to all the commotion, my mother woke up, came down stairs, and called the cops because she feared for her husband's life. It really wasn't THAT bad. The cops' arrived and I tried to get away by climbing out my window. To make a long story short: a cop caught me, assaulted me, and charged me with two counts of assault (plus something else) - one count for my father and the second... so he claims... for assaulting a police officer. I spent the night in jail and got out the next day. Now, because I've never been in trouble with the law (before this) and therefore I didn't know what would happen to me - I was told that I might get a sentence of up to 2yrs in jail - I did something which I thought was reasonable... I got myself into a mental health prevention program. I spent several weeks reading about one of the more serious mental illnesses (schizophrenia)... And, again, to make a long story short, I wanted to act insane so that I could have the charges dropped.
It worked... But it came with a price...
At the moment, I'm sitting in my room, drunk. Every time a friend calls (they have mostly given up on me), I normally don't pick up, or I tell my mom to tell them that I'm not home. Furthermore, I don't go to school anymore. I've isolated myself, and (or due to) I've developed many anxiety problems, etc... It ranges from strange phobias to something that feels like a heart attack. Next, there are many more mental disturbances... Lately, I've been swimming in beer...
My life seems ruined and I don't think that I'll ever become me again. I've gone to several mental health professions, but they don't know what to do with me.
This is what I think happened:
I caused this. It's karma. I don't know. I'm not sure of anything except for: I don't have a brain disease and the only thing that runs in my family is: heart disease... And that's pretty much it!
I'm not a bad person. Bad people might also think the same thing, but in this case, it's the truth. As a child, I was never in trouble with the law, and I don't like hanging around with people that are trouble seekers/makers. The incident that happened, should not have happened and I felt awful about it. I don't keep grudges, but I do have some resentment towards those that cause pain. He's a good person, but he was unaware of the mistakes that he was making with me.
I still drink, though I don't get mad when I drink. There are occasions in which the past sort of sneaks up on me. It becomes a real nightmare. Now get all that pressure and add more - what happens?
I made a mistake.
Now, what can I do to fix this? I'm a good person, seriously. And I really need some good advice. Doctors weren't able to help me, but that could also be because I wasn't completely open and honest with them - but part of the reason for that is because I have trust issues. People that were supposed to be my friends, or those that were supposed to love (and they do), were unaware of the mistakes they were making.
My situation is incredibly screwed up and I just don't know how to make it right.
I just want my life back and I want to be happy and proud of myself.
Just one more thing: going to a therapist is out of the question. "I" can only fix this... I just need a bit of help in the form of honesty from someone that's been in a similar place.
I am so sorry for what has happened to you. My father was alot like yours; abusive verbally and physically. First of all your situation can and will change, for the better. But it won't be easy. It starts with you realizing that your father has done the very best he could as your parent, even though it feels right now that he hasn't done jack ___ for you. Parents live only what they have experienced as a child. If you have a heart to heart with him somewhere down the line you may be surprised at what nightmare experiences he has had. Being mature begins with realizing that your parents are people first then your parents. As children we depend on them to mirror back to us what we think we are. Right now you are being influenced by that concept that you think you are a failure because that's what your parents think of you. But the fact of the matter is if you are true to yourself, you know yourself better than your parents do, you know that you are capable of doing better. And you will be able to attain that level if you have a heart to heart talk with yourself, your real self. The self you are when you aren't wasted, or feeling guilty about the past. Tell yourself that you will strive to be the best person you can be and that you don't need your parents approval to initiate that. Seventy-five percent of a problem is solved when the person with the problem deep down wants to solve it. The other 25% is coming up with a way to solve it. If you have an addiction to alcohol or other substances, then you will have to get help. You can go to any mental health facility and ask about services. They can and will help you. Good luck and never, ever, ever quit. Believe me, you are worth it. Sincerely, Bayoumama.
Thanks for the reply, I really appreciate it, though it's not exactly what I'm looking for. Originally, I thought that some background info about me and my situation might help... perhaps I was mistaken. I don't need the kind of therapy that's provided by the mental health community. For the most part, it's useless. It won't work, partly so, because of this very fact.
Basically, I want to know how to fix the damage due to the alc. and mental abuse that I've inflicted on myself. I started drinking and going to all sorts of parties at the age of 17, shortly after my father gave me several hard blows to the head (yeah, I know!). Moreover, I believe that I caused this mental illness to myself through and that it has gotten progressively worse as I started having meetings with one therapist after the other.
I tried finding stuff on the internet with little to none inspiration/usefulness. It maybe me (or not), maybe I'm not looking in the right places or perhaps I'm looking for something that doesn't exist.
I know that I'm the only one that can fix this, but I first need to understand it.
Second, I need some info on how to repair the brain damage that was caused by the binge drinking, etc...
...Something I haven't thought about...
Thank, I seriously hope that someone can share some insight into my problem/s.
I just read your post and am so sorry to hear you had gone through such terrible trauma. Bayoumama''s response above is so poinant and hopefully since last year, things have improved in your life.
Alcohol and other drugs simply mask the pain for a short period and then make the emotional and physcial issues much worse. Work hard to turn to other forms of release like exercise/sports, reading inspiring stories, comedy, take up an interesting hobby etc.... and spend time with people who have your best interest at heart...they are out there.
And yes, talk therapy does work given you find the right professional. There are people out there who are good and not so good at their jobs so shop around.
22 years old, you are very young and have so much of your life ahead of you. Don''t allow other''s emotional unresolved pain (aka. your father) dictate your self worth and happiness. It is extremely hard to grasp when those who are supposed to protect you end up being the ones you need protection from.
You seem like a self aware, intelligent, warm person who is mature well beyond your years. Use your pain to grow personally and help others who don''t know where to turn.
Hopefully you are on the path of healing within and are experiencing brighter days. Eventually you will be able to forgive those who hurt you and see them as people struggling with their own low self esteem.
Always ensure you are taking good care of yourself. Mind, body and soul.
Hope some of this helps.
PS. Your axiety is caused from a condition called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Google it and you will learn more ways to help yourself. Many of us from dysfuncational families experience it. We have to stop it from being past down to the next generation.