Hello, I'm currently 22yrs old...
Basically, this is what happened (from how it began -to- present):
a few years ago (I was 18-19) I assaulted my father because he used to abuse me when I was much younger. He'd beat me for the little things, such as: not wanted to memorize a 15min prayer (my family is catholic), or he'd beat me after he got a phone call from my teacher for disrupting the class, or for running around the house and playing with my sister (he owns a private practice and has his own study at home)... Etc etc etc... He had a very strict (European) upbringing and so he thought since it worked for him it would also work for me. It did work on me but it also made me very angry at him. He wasn't only physically abusive, he was also mentally abusive. Anyway, back to the incident that led to my mom calling the cops, etc: I came home drunk after a party and my father started yelling at me... one thing led to another (usually, I don't raise my voice, but because I was drunk, I didn't care... and... viola)... I am much taller and heavier than my father, so I overpowered him, threw him on the ground, and began to choke him (he also had his hands around my neck). Due to all the commotion, my mother woke up, came down stairs, and called the cops because she feared for her husband's life. It really wasn't THAT bad. The cops' arrived and I tried to get away by climbing out my window. To make a long story short: a cop caught me, assaulted me, and charged me with two counts of assault (plus something else) - one count for my father and the second... so he claims... for assaulting a police officer. I spent the night in jail and got out the next day. Now, because I've never been in trouble with the law (before this) and therefore I didn't know what would happen to me - I was told that I might get a sentence of up to 2yrs in jail - I did something which I thought was reasonable... I got myself into a mental health prevention program. I spent several weeks reading about one of the more serious mental illnesses (schizophrenia)... And, again, to make a long story short, I wanted to act insane so that I could have the charges dropped.
It worked... But it came with a price...
At the moment, I'm sitting in my room, drunk. Every time a friend calls (they have mostly given up on me), I normally don't pick up, or I tell my mom to tell them that I'm not home. Furthermore, I don't go to school anymore. I've isolated myself, and (or due to) I've developed many anxiety problems, etc... It ranges from strange phobias to something that feels like a heart attack. Next, there are many more mental disturbances... Lately, I've been swimming in beer...
My life seems ruined and I don't think that I'll ever become me again. I've gone to several mental health professions, but they don't know what to do with me.
This is what I think happened:
I caused this. It's karma. I don't know. I'm not sure of anything except for: I don't have a brain disease and the only thing that runs in my family is: heart disease... And that's pretty much it!
I've spent all of 2008 getting drunk by myself.
I'm desperate, I'm depressed, I'm drunk, etc etc etc
I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What happened to me?
PS: I've never told this to anyone.
Thanks for reading. I hope that you can help me in some way... I really need this, and... by the way... 09... If I don't improve in this year, I've vowed to kill myself at 2010 (new year).
...
Saving 