Hi
Im in a very bad depression I have to say but in the past episodes of depression have not stopped me feeling like a woman. This problem is due to an extremely bad relationship.
He was a younger (8 yrs) foreign man, NOT on holiday and he turned out to be a liar, a user and possibly married definitely engaged. I am 40.
He was the male version of female thai/filipino looking futher themselves. Though he was wealthy he couldnt buy his passport. His student visa for my country in which he was studying was due to expire the year we met.It was not a holiday romance.
After months of bad behaviour I realised he was always lying and had always lied to me. About everything.
He has undermined my very core as I cant believe I was so stupid not to see. He was so good at fooling me. He was loving and sweet when we were together. God knows what he was doing when we werent. He would tell me I was this and that then change his mind. He told me I had beautiful feet or hair or hands, then months later criticised them, told me I was beautiful then told me I wasnt. Told me my (36 e) breasts werent big enough and I needed a boob job. I have not had children and they are in ok shape (besides we are all beautiful and should be grateful for the bodies we are given) He wanted them up under my chin like the women we see on tv all the time.
I loved my curvy body and breasts. I felt womanly. I feel ugly and useless. utterly sexless not that we should make it our be all as life isnt about attracting sexual advances every minute of our days. Im a loving kind compassionate person.
I look down to the floor when a man walks past me in the street. I have no interest in any men at all. I cant imagine a man would ever like me in any way. I feel half a woman when Im around other women. I dont even compare myself I just feel like Im deformed or something. I feel as much of a woman as a 6'2" man in a dress.
He left for his own country and is due back. The chain is broken, his hypnotism he worked on me has gone but I need closure. I want to meet up with him when he gets back and wipe the floor with him. He has destroyed me.
Im so low I cant stand people looking at me. Even in work if a male and female are listening to me talking I only look at the female as I think the man will be thinking bad things about me and wouldnt want me to even be civil to him as I think men think unless a woman has a sexual use she is repulsive to them. How utterly disturbing is that?
Yes you will tell me he was a loser and Im worth more but I dont see that at all. I dont know if I ever will again.
My depression is affecting me in all parts of my life and this ex is the last straw. I have suicidal thoughts reguarly every day.
Im so sad, does anyone understand?
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