Bipolar Disorder Forum - Done being supportive to bipolar loved ones

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Q: Done being supportive to bipolar loved ones

asked by: literarypractice on March 3rd, 2009

Experienced User

I hope my post doesn't bring the wrath of those with bipolar down on me!

I just need to vent really bad! I have a family member and a former close friend who both have bipolar. I read all the suggestions at Websites about how to be supportive. Tell the person you care about them, etc. I did my best to put it into practice. None of my efforts were truly recognized when I went the extra mile. Even though I was giving and depleting myself, it was always "Me, Me, Me" from both people. Their attitude was like "I'm so important. I'm more important than you. I don't have to follow parameters that most people do." I felt so run over by both people, as far as the need to be the center of attention.

I'm not labeling an entire community. I'm just talking of my experience. My sister-in-law is still in my life. I love her as part of my family. I will say I can't go the extra mile anymore. When I began putting boundaries on her need for attention, I wasn't liked as much by her. She was mad at me! Eventually, she picked an argument with me about something else and was completely flying off the handle. I was really hurt that she came after me like that. I believe the only reason that happened is because I wouldn't put with all the attention-seeking anymore. I was treating her like anyone else.

I know this part is controversial. The fibbing and exaggerations really got to me. I'm just talking about the two people in my life, especially one of them. It made my head spin!

Both people schemed a lot for attention, and did some things that are hard to accept! I tried to be kind and accepting about it all. It just wore me out! It's hard to be supportive to some people with bipolar who seem so indifferent to the needs of others sometimes. They want their attention, and that's all. They don't mind hurting you, if the mood strikes them.

I'm through with doing it. I just realize, it's not for me. I am very kind and patient. It was just a bad experience trying to be there for someone else and feeling like it wasn't acknowledged that I was accepting things out of caring that I wouldn't normally accept. I think I was the only one who got hurt. They still think the world of themselves, unless they're depressed.

Users who thank literarypractice for this post: Bistander

Replies(20)

Lizze

replied on March 3rd, 2009

New User

i dont think you can come into a forum about bipolar and expect some people not to be offended...but i get what youre saying.but you need to realize that maybe its just their personality,you cant put all bipolar sufferers in a bubble.i have been diagnosed with it and sometimes it can be a very lonely place and we need all the support we can get.ive experienced that it takes something small.i think people experience it differntly and sometimes it gets hard for loved ones to understand,i find it hard to understand where everythings coming from myself,and what triggers a rapid mood change.i agree with you that you should treat them the same as other people but also try to keep an open mind.we cant control it.i think you need to reconsider if u really care for these people,we dont really think about what its doing to loved ones when we are experiencing mania or being depressed.i know it sounds selfish and it is but we dont always realise.i hope my post has helped you a little.ill try to give u advice where posble

literarypractice

replied on March 3rd, 2009

Experienced User

I know...

My friend is gone.

My sister-in-law is still in my life. Like I said, I try to show that I care. She doesn't seem to be able to or want to put boundaries on herself. We were closer. I think the stress of interacting with her has definitely put some tension between us. She needs to dominate almost all the time. She has to be center of attention at all family gatherings. Everyone knows this, but don't dare say anything about because I guess she's viewed as fragile. No one wants to hurt her. I think pointing out some things in a caring manner would have benefited everyone.

It's difficult. When she blasted me earlier, it felt like all my kindness shown to her was for nothing. Amazingly, she doesn't feel like she gets enough attention, though she's always the center of attention because she makes it that way. Some times people aren't really listening to her because it's draining.

Help me understand! Any advice about how to approach my relationship with her would be appreciated.

Lizze

replied on March 4th, 2009

New User

The way you explain it makes it sound like she is going through a manic phase...during this time we tend to be full of ourselver.is she taking meds at the moment and is she still seeing her mental health professional?in my position id appreciate it if someone was just straight forward..but not attacking me.sure id still be p.off but id get around after a while you know.after talking to her still be nice and dont bad mouth behind her back cus we tend to sense that energy.be nice and polite.what does she do exactly to make you feel this way?im trying to understand the situation..

Lizze

replied on March 4th, 2009

New User

Oh you could also go for counseling together.go with her to her psychiatrist or psycho therapist?

literarypractice

replied on March 4th, 2009

Experienced User

She doesn't see a therapist or take medication.

The thing is that she always seem manic, except for when she's very depressed. I do care about her. When I have a conversation with her, I can hardly get a word in. When I do, it seems to not be fully heard and then she takes over again. She's like this with everyone. There's times when she's more relaxed, but very few. I think it's a need to be the center of attention and have her way. I know it's the illness. Sometimes, it's tough to accept. She used to go to therapy, but she stopped.

Lizze

replied on March 5th, 2009

New User

It is very obvious that you really care about your sister in law..she is very lucky to have your support.first thing you have to do is to get her back to a psychiatrist.if she doesnot want to then you can get a doctor to come to your home.then they will have to put her back on meds to control the bipolar.she will feel better and so will the rest of the family.if it is not treated it will spiral out of control.i wasnt treated and its a punishment to live like that it drains the body and your emotions arent stable..you dont feel intact.my best advice to you is to really get her back to a professional.

literarypractice

replied on March 5th, 2009

Experienced User

Thank you

You're advice is very sound. To be honest, it's not going to be followed. She stopped therapy. Actually, her psychiatrist ended up recommending only medication, and not therapy. She doesn't like taking medication because of the side effects.
She's been ultra-attention seeking ever since I've known her. I can be understanding. I just felt tired, and wanted a new perspective. It can be difficult. Some people have bipolar worse than others. It just seems to be.
When a person is supportive, it's not magic. My former friend liked to pretend a lot--even lying. Some were hurtful to me. I let her know that she could stop. It was okay to just be herself. It never did stop. The friendship ended suddenly. I was supportive, and I felt really burned.
Both had therapy, and both seemed out of control in ways. Neither are on medication. To be honest, both people seem like they are spiraling out of control, though, very together in other ways. I would say my sister-in-law is worse than what she used to be. She herself called it a progressive disease.
If I could do it over, I would have changed some things. It's harder now to make recommendations to her because I didn't before. I wouldn't want her to feel like she hasn't been liked. She probably does feel that way sometimes. I don't think she recognizes the type of pressure she puts on others to always listen and put her first. She can't see that, though she's highly intelligent.
She's a good person. I have my own things to work on. Thank you for taking the time to answer.
I was angry for a little bit! I cooled off now.

Lizze

replied on March 6th, 2009

New User

You shouldnt blame yourself for things you did or didnt do...at the end of the day its not in your hands.i know how she feels about the side affects i just thought about quitting mine this morning,but luckily ive got great support from my psychologist whose opinion i trust.the side affects arent nice i can tell you that but maybe they could change the dosage...anyway at the end of the day it is her body and mind and she gets to decide what to do.another alternative which you could suggest is a support group...im glad you feel calmer now and i hope that you would consider talking to her about meds and a support group.i wish you all the luck with your sister!youre welcome to chat in the future if youve got questions.

Users who thank Lizze for this post: literarypractice

literarypractice

replied on March 8th, 2009

Experienced User

I will recommend the support group to her.

I'm visiting tomorrow. She's about ready to give birth, so I'll have to wait a few weeks before bringing it up!

degas

replied on April 24th, 2009

New User

I know what you're going through

My sister has bipolar, major depression and some other disorders. She's on 12 different medications, and when she's not taking them she because very combative. She verbally assaults my mom. Over the last 25 years we tried to learn as much as we can, to help her.
We all made mistakes along the way, however this time around my sister got into a huge arguement with my mom. What we thought we covered and resolved with my sister, years ago came up again in her therapy session with her therapist. It hurt my mom deeply, and she was rather defensive. My mom has given so much so my sister, because she loves her daughter and will move mountains to help her. Now My mom is at her wits end and is going through her own grieving because this past Christmas we buried my grandmother. My mom is emotionally spent. My mom needs someone to talk to now.
Family members of bio-polar and mentally ill patients do a lot, and why should we continue to be the punching bags? How many times does my mother have to apologize for comments she said many 40 years ago? How many times does my mother have to listen to my sister rants and be patient? We learned not to say the wrong things, but we constantly feel we are being run over by a mac truck. We asked her if she was taking her medicine and she got all defensive. She probably isn't.

me74

replied on June 17th, 2009

New User

I LEFT HER AND DID EVERYTHING THAT I COULD TO MAKE IT WORK

I just left my Bipolar and depressed partner after 4.5 years. I must agree with this man. I did ALL the right things. I had a therapist myself. I joined support groups for partners of BiPolar. I helped her through a hospitalization. But then it started....or should I say ...continued...the "she loves me she loves me not" game as I call it. One day she would tell me how she felt closer to me than EVER only to tell me later that week that she wanted me to move out and move on with my life. (this scenario repeated itself like a vicious circle). Important to say she IS on meds and in therapy...but they don't seem to work....Is it possible to have a loving, stable, and committed relationship with someone BiPolar? with people that are sometimes far from loving (and even abusive)? Far from stable? and from my experience....far from being committed....

I loved her dearly. 4.5 years of my life....But from my personal experience....There is nothing you can do to make this work unless you choose to stay on the roller-coaster ride for life.

boston11

replied on June 17th, 2009

New User

When dealing with someone how is bipolar, it is very important to remember that you must take care of yourself first. You need to make sure you are healthy before you try to take care of anyone else.

She needs to see a doctor. It is very important that anyone with BPD sees a doctor, finds a medication balance, and sees a therapist on a regular basis. If she is not willing to help herself--then there is not much you can do. You can call a doctor for her, and have the doctor come talk to her, but even then it is her choice.

When anyone with BPD is trying to adjust to their medication it can take up to three months, and it will get worse before it gets better. It is important to give them their space during this time, but to also remind them that you are there for them. I promise you that they will come to you for comfort during this time if you remind them that you still care for them.

Users who thank boston11 for this post: daniolive

daniolive

replied on June 17th, 2009

New User

I appreciate the words shared here, from all. I am recently going through a break up (it's been almost 3 weeks with some contact in between) and find it impossible to cope because I am diagnosed as depressive. On top of this all I am 4-5 months pregnant with his twins so my hormones are out of whack on top of it all. I have not chose to contact him because I don't think he will understand. I am seeking help and safe medication so I can be a happy healthy loving mom and hopefully partner to either him, if he decides to give me another shot, or someone else down the road. Not to mention a better mom to my existing daughter, Olivia, who is almost 3, a better daughter, sister, friend etc....
I can see how one can get fed up with the roller coaster ride, but I also think that the love and support of loved ones are well needed and appreciated. I think it is hard to be in a relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD or Depression or any kind of chemical imbalance because it takes a strong person to take on that role. It is doable, you just have to take the time to understand and comprehend all that the illness entails. Until therapy, medicine and help, their actions are out of their hands. Someone with the correct brain chemistry can easily say "get over it" or whatever, but honestly, in the moment, that person with the diagnosis cannot help their thoughts, thinking and sometimes actions.
I guess I want to know if I should go ahead and him and contact him to let him know whats going on so he has a better understanding of why things went the way the did, or if I should get well and then try to explain? Anyone have any thoughts. I'm due Oct 24th as well, hoping the pregnancy goes well with no complications.

boston11

replied on June 18th, 2009

New User

I think that it is a good thing the two of you are talking a little here and there. I would wait a month or so until you sit down with him to have a real full out conversation, that way you both have your space for a while to think, and then you can both go back with clean slates to discuss what went wrong and what the two of you need to do so that the both of you can be happy, but most importantly, that your two new children, and your 3 year old, have a loving family. Because to be perfectly honest, it is now about them and what is going to be good for them in the long run.

Users who thank boston11 for this post: daniolive

daniolive

replied on June 28th, 2009

New User

Thanks you for the reply.

Well I must confess I was in the hospital for I was diagnosed with depression. They kind of made me call him, cause I was getting ill from not speaking to him, for therapy reasons. Long story short, he came to visit me and we had a discussion with the social worker/therapist. It did not go too well, but still unsure of how this all might unfold. I figure he cares enough to come visit. I still cry everyday and want nothing more than for the both of us to work things out for the better of us and our family. I am planning on keeping him involved with the sonograms and gyne appts. His mom tells me he has not been himself and is not happy, but he said in the meeting he likes his space and his feelings are not as strong. Also with some coaxing he mentioned it was nice to see me. I know I over analyze but I am so in love and I've been thrown for a loop.

wendyrs

replied on June 28th, 2009

Supporter

Just to make a correction. BPD is not the same disorder as bipolar. BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder.

concerned2009

replied on August 21st, 2009

New User

I totally get this post - Ive just spent the last 3 months of my life trying to be there for someone with bipolar. The changes in them made my head hurt - from telling me I was the only person they'd told to going from calling me a 'stalker' to phoning just to say 'hi'.

I met a guy and he was everything I thought I wanted until I found the lies / the exagerations / the hearing from him loads to not hearing from him to worrying about him.

Im far too caring for my own good when I should have been telling them to go to a psychologist I was trying to help.

I feel for people with this illness but I cant be around people like this anymore it hurt my heart too much.

boston11

replied on August 21st, 2009

New User

I was in a relationship with someone who is Bipolar. It was hard because he was always changing. He lives with his mother and she still cares for him as a baby, which strained our relationship more then he believes it did. She is ruining his life but she put the blame on me, and because he does not always know what is true or not because of the disease, he believes her over me.

It is hard because we Love each other so much, but hard because he lives his life not knowing what is reality and was false.

Bistander

replied on November 5th, 2009

New User

I can relate . . .

literarypractice,

I am where you were. The characteristics that you have mentioned describe my mother TO A T!!! It is very difficult when a loved one treats you that way because you do not feel loved in return. I am having health issues due to the stress of it all. I feel like I can't lead a normal life because my mother's setbacks cause me to halt everything. This disease has caused my mother to ruin her credibility and reputation in the community, but most importantly, with her family. She perceives non-relatives as her support system, but that is because she has repeatedly destroyed her familial ties. She is in the midst of a manic episode now and has burned extremely sentimental items, without remorse. These types of events, with everlasting results, is what makes it so difficult for us as caregivers and family. Furthermore, recovery is taking longer and longer over the years; I'm afraid that one day, she'll never come down from her "high". Resolutions anyone????

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