I'm beginning to see the light about this. Going off the meds is the worst part.
My fiance did this and now her Ssri no longer works. She went into a state of manic delirium (the most extreme bipolar state there is) on march 3rd, hasnt come back to reality yet, and has been in a psyche ward for nearly 6 weeks now on haldol etc. They've exhausted pharma treatments and they are trying to find an opening for her to get ECT.
I'm not allowed to visit.
It's not the occasional manic episode that bothers me. It's the constant roller coaster ride of hospitals, treatments, delusions, hallucinations, voices, anger, projected anger, paranoia, imagined cancer delusions, carefully constructed realities that don't exist, drug abuse.
When things are good, they are REALLY good. When they are bad, wow...
The delusional stuff I had no idea was happening. It's come out in therapy in the last few weeks. She told them her cancer doctor's names (same ones she told me). Yes they exist, no they've never met her, ever. She's never even had cancer.
I thought she was a cancer survivor. She participated in benefits for survivors! She's given inspirational speeches. This is all particularly painful for me because my dad, who was my best friend, died January 1st this year, from real cancer.
I've been living in a constant state of fear that she'd get sick again and maybe this time she won't make it.
Turns out all the ER visits she went to for pain were pain seeking missions disguised as cancer pain.
The drug abuse got to the point where she went to the ER again, (March 2nd to be specific) and she was able to hold a normal conversation and be completely lucid on 6mg dilaudid intravenously. Er doctors words:"Your fiance has a serious drug problem. She's on 6mg dilaudid intravenously right now. If you were on 6mg dilaudid, you would be on the ground and I'd be breathing for you, and yelling at a nurse to get a 6 inch needle filled with adrenaline, STAT. 6mg would probably kill a horse if it didn't have opiate tolerance built up."
TBH I can't handle it any more. I tried for 3 years and I'm spent. I can't come to terms with the fact that she could disappear with our kids a la Susan smith or maybe I find her in the bathroom od'd or otherwise suicided. I had to tackle her once when she was carrying a knife. She had locked herself in the bathroom with it after we had an argument over $200 that disappeared(probably for drugs) which we needed to keep the electricity on. Her parents bailed her out that time. Maybe I'll wake up to a baseball bat to the head one day. My family has ostracized us due to her behavior. There is a breaking point. What I've mentioned here is the tip of the iceburg.
My mom told me a week after this whole breakdown occurred that she stole 16 of my dad's morphine pills around labor day last year. In his fragile condition (stage IV lung cancer with a drainage tube hooked up to his lung), if they hadn't just switched him to new meds, he could have died from the withdrawal right then and there if he had run out.
I do NOT want to even think about what she's done sexually behind my back.
Now for the worst part. I've never loved anyone as much as her and I have to let her go at this point.
Our entire relationship, from the first day, has been a lie. Actually lie is the wrong word. A better word would be delusion. I think she believed everything she ever told me. That's why it was so convincing.
Thank you OP, this post has made me feel like I'm not the only one in this situation. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
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