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Relationships > Relationships and Marriage Forum > Does my boyfriend love me or is he using me ?
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Q: Does my boyfriend love me or is he using me ?
asked by: DesireeC on June 13th, 2009
New User
I need some advice or insight. I have been dating this guy for about 3 months now. We both come from bad relationships. We knew eachother and liked eachother before dating. Now, he tells me that he loves me, but sometimes I wonder. He can be the sweetest guy in what he tells me- I'm beautiful, loving, etc ect. But at the same time there are things I wonder about. He has a job as a construction worker, so doesn't make a lot of money. When we first got together, I ran into an emergency situation and needed a job right away and after a month of looking (and no money or place to live) I got a job at a strip club. So I make a fair amount. I don't want to misjudge him because he makes less. But we moved in together about a month after dating which was too fast. I have to pay for the majority of the rent. I pay half on the bills. And I pay to get my car (which we both use because he doesn't have one) fixed. Also food and dates I mainly pay for. In the past month, I've had to pay 1200 to get my car fixed (he only payed $288), and then come up with $750 on my own for rent since his $288 was supposed to be for rent but we needed the car fixed. He always gets mad at me when I talk about this with him and says I'm selfish because he spends all his money on me and I don't realize it. But I don't understand what he gets for me or spends money on me with. I pay for my half if not all for the date- he has only paid fully for me on a date maybe two or three times out of three months. I feel ripped off at times. Maybe I'm just not used to this. He gets angry at me because I sometimes doubt his love and says I should know he loves me by now- it really upsets him. He already introduced me to his family and friends. He knows the right words to say after a huge fight. When we fight, it usually starts off with me not making him dinner for him by the time he gets home. Things like that. He gets upset because I don't always cook and clean for him. We argue and he screams IN my face, throws and breaks things, and even gets aggressive. He has only grabbed me in two fights. I leave and he calls and calls. Finally I answer and he is blaming everything on me. We argue for another hour or so and then he apologizes and cries. Then for the next week he can be sooooo sweet and loving. I saw the letters he wrote to his ex before dating me on his myspace, and they were SO long and loving. He had a diff job with her, and bought her EVERYTHING. Also fathered her two kids that weren't his. She treated him badly so they aren't together anymore. But I don't see him treating me as good as her. He loved her a lot. He says he loves me more, but he never even returned any of my long messages I wrote him after we got together. I left him comments, pic comments, and messages, and he never left me one. But he left some on all his other ex's page. I am also pregnant with his child- we found that out a few days ago. He knows this and says he is so happy because he always wanted one. But does he love me for real? I am so broken right now. I recently moved across the country for something that failed miserably and didn't know anyone. So he is the only person I pretty much know. I don't know what to do.. He seems to expect things. Asks me to pick him up ciggarettes and when I didn't he freaked out. He expects food on the table when he comes home, a clean house, and money. I know for a fact that I'm also better in bed than any other girl he's been with. I HATE workiing at the strip club. I HATE IT. But until I get my GED, I cannot get another job. I have tried. He treats me like it's so easy to work in the sex industry. "All you have to do is go shake your ass and you get what I make as a hard worker for a week in a day". But yet he doesn't try to find another job. He works with his best friend and his best friend's dad who is his boss. I don't know if he minipulates me to make me feel bad so I do spend more money, or if he does really love me and just doesn't know how to show it, I am so confused- any advice or insight is GREATLY appreciated! He aslo tells me he's the luckiest guy in the world to have me, and texts me a lot on his way to work in the morning to tell me he loves me. And on his way home he also does the same thing.
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YouAreSoGreat
replied on June 13th, 2009
Experienced User
wow im only 15 but here is my thought.....
about the finical stuff, i think he is just very confused at this time because of your difficulites. But about the other ex... im not sure thats a good sign but you did movee your relationship very fast and he might still have feelings for his ex...you should really talk to him about it.. And with the mood swings...is it so bad that he is bi-polar? how were you 2 before dating.? wow it must be so hard for you i wish you soooo much luck..... i hope i heloped i little:)
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DesireeC
replied on June 13th, 2009
New User
Thanks, YouAreSoGreat! I appreciate your thoughts on this. I have definately talked about his ex with him, and it upsets him a lot. He says he hates her now because of what she did to him. He says he never wants me to bring his name up again. He was still talking to her though until recently. He would text her or write her messages. But he said it's to get her to leave him alone, because she does want him back. I saw some of what he wrote, and he was being honest. But I told him he needs to just stop communicating back to her. He does have an anger issue and can be controling. Before dating he was just a dream guy! Everything about him I thought was perfect. I wanted him so bad. He felt the same..
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happysweety
replied on June 16th, 2009
New User
well, i don't know if this will really help but still i think u must keep the house clean, cook n stuff.. at least for some days so that things go smoother u know, may b that will make him feel that hes just so special.. n since u r pregnant he will start looking for a new job too.. wen he sees u working out and at home as well, i guess it will also add to the strength of u r relationship.. talk about the kid tat u r likely to have as well.. show him love all the time and make him feel that he is u r dream guy.. tell him how incomplete u r without him.. also tell him how sick it is work in a strip club.. u guys just work it out that way.. may be u can have a good start by impressing him.. and then go on about u r problems.. u just need to make your bonds stronger..

best wishes..
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porscheguy25m
replied on June 23rd, 2009
New User
If you are pregnant... Your emotions are wack for the first 3 months. fyi.
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TheLynx
replied on July 17th, 2009
New User
Well... I think he's not /using/ you... but that he's 'in love' with you /because/ you cook, clean, and still manage to put money on the table for him- so of course you're his dream girl. You could try to fix this relationship, but the first thing to do is to look at how much you are doing- and how much you're worth- and then set definite limits for yourself, and for him. You probably won't be able to strip for a living while you're pregnant, and possibly afterwards, so you need him to support you and your baby, and if he's not doing that properly, you're better off without dragging his dead weight along.
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W0LF
replied on July 18th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy (online)
Jeez DisereeC
Is this the life you want? It's exhausting to read about I can't imagine how hard it is on you. From what you describe you have a guy who's horrible to you then sweet time after time. This isn't a relationships that's getting better. You may be the sun that warms his world but is that the world you want to live in? If you have friends or family I strongly recommend you take a week off from living in his home and evaluate from a distance where this life is going. Ask yourself if you want this guy as the father of your children. Ask yourself if you're going to be ok stripping until something better happens. A lot of the things you seem to think are impossible are out there for you. You just have to believe you can have a stable and fulfilling life.
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angelstarr
replied on August 15th, 2009
New User
Toxic relationship
I'm sorry your going through this. What i've read sounds like all the red flags in a relationship that leads to the cycle known as domestic violence The way he shouts at you, has expectations about you cleaning and cooking for him, how he then says all the sweet and loving things...it puts you into a state of confusion which you have said you are confused. I hope you can get the strength you need to leave now....it doesn't get better - just worse. May god bless you and i am truly sorry if the truth hurts sweetheart. x
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anastonia
replied on September 7th, 2009
New User
Be careful
Toxic, I agree. What you are describing has ALL red flags of an abusive relationship. I am going to assume for a second that he is not going to change, but follows his pattern of a user/abuser (I hope I am wrong).
Please be very careful when fighting with him. He may strike you. When he does, do not believe it's your fault! He may tell you that you made it up or it never happened.
If he hits you, LEAVE. It's only going to get worse. My advice, start saving money that he does not know about for a rainy day.
Sorry, but it's easy to make a mistake when you are in love. You and your child deserve better! Best luck..
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Jinjer
replied on September 8th, 2009
Experienced User
I agree, your relationship does sound toxic. However, I see it differently than the others here. He gives as much as his income allows and you expect more. Look at it the other way, what if your income was lower than his. Regardless of how you make your income, you make more than him but you expect him to put out as much as you. Maybe try splitting the bills by income percentage instead of half. As far as the ex, it sounds like he said and did all these nice things for his ex when he was with her and not while he is with you? Things change and all relationships are different. Do you want him to treat you the same way he treated his ex? If so, are you prepared to be an ex? She didn't get to be an ex because everything was all kittens and roses for her and their relationship was not all her fault. As far as the expectations of house work and cooking, maybe that's something you could work as half for him half for you. Don't base your realities in your relationship on perceptions of his past relationships. The ex shouldn't be a topic of discussion anyway. It sounds like you keep throwing her in his face.
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missyTrouble
replied on September 8th, 2009
New User
i respect that your doing something to get money, but you cant raise a child in that kind of atmosphere. you need to have a chat to him about this, if you want your child you need to sort out your issues! tell him how you feel, ask him how he feels and just see where it goes from there!
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