I was a person that in my early 20's and even earlier(during my teenager) had not much interest in intercourse or mating or sexual issues, until the age of 27 that I was introduced to a girl whom I loved her so much (and of course still do) with whom I had a relationship and were dating each other, and we finally decided to get married permanently, but unfortunately she became interested in somebody else and that as you might assume led us to break up. The burden of this pressure was so much that I seriously couldn't recover from for several months. After several months of suffering from extreme depression and taking medications of course, I finally got a little better and almost recovered. I had no engagement to anybody else for about 2-3 years that I was introduced to some other girl whom I started dating her and everything was quite successful until she changed her mind and talked about immigrating to Canada which I couldn't accept with. So we started to have arguments and quarreling which as you might predict in advance finally led us to split up again. This was another great upset for me which made me almost lose all my initiative for looking for anybody else. I became alone for another 1.5 years that later I started dating another girl. For us everything was quite happy and we were so satisfied and I reckoned that I have probably found the best choice in the rest of my life after my first love. We continued our relationship for some several years and finally we got more serious and I told her we can look for serious engagement and get married, but before that, we can just take some health tests like what most of the couples do. Every time when I told her so, I found her so reluctant and so hesitating. I was trying to figure out the reason for that, I told her if she has financial issues and concerns (because she was unemployed at that moment), then if we get married and form a family I can support her in any manner and I will support her and the family completely (cause I had a quite enough satisfactory income). But she again and again refused and rejected my offer. Thus that made me be much more suspicious. I had a friend of mine who was a physician and he did a pretty good business and was a very successful in his own field and he actually owned a clinic. I talked to him about the problem, he advised me to convince her by any means that I could to bring her to the clinic. But whatever I took all of efforts to do that, unfortunately I didn't succeed, Finally one day when she was completely drunk, I told her it's good for us to discern our blood type, cause I have heard people with identical blood types are much more compatible with each other, and as it's easily assumable she had no sense of understanding at that time, and thus she accepted. I took her to my friend's clinic and she took the tests. Some days later when I realized that the analysis and result of the test were ready, I contacted him and asked him to e-mail me the result. He refused to do so and told me he needs to see me personally because there is a very critical serious issue which he wills to talk with me about. So I listened to him and accepted his order and moved to his clinic. When I arrived there I observed he treats me abnormally and is notably nervous about something. He started asking irrelevant questions, like : How are you doing? Do you serve coffee? And etc. I told him ok I think now it's better to pay attention to some more serious things. I saw him waiting for a few seconds and then said okay, Johny(my name) how were you introduced to this person ? How much do you seriously know her? How much do you trust her? I became mad and told him, what do you mean by asking such questions? He said John! Unfortunately your partner is HIV positive!!!!! I lost sense of navigation and location at that moment, that I could frankly tell you I couldn't distinguish where the exit door was located. I remembered for most of the times I sued a condom but for 2-3 times I had unsafe sex with her. So I was frightened that I might have got infected as well. I took the test immediately and found that I'm negative. Some months later I repeated the test in some other clinics and I found just by a miracle I am HIV negative. For me it was really hard to believe how evil and mischievous a person could be that lies to her most loved ones. Even if she doesn't restrain from relationship, How doesn't she inform her partner about the case? It was seriously like a trauma for me. I ended up my relationship and pledged myself not to get engaged by anybody else anymore. I completely isolated myself from the outside world and even lost my connections with my friends for 2-3 years. But later for satisfying myself I started seeking out for self abuse. At the very beginning I jerked off once or twice a weak, But later I became addicted to porn and this number changed to 5-6 times a day. This time I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. I was hospitalized for several months and took medication. After several months I have gotten out of the hospital but am still addicted to porn and masturbation. I am an addict, I really have lost all of my initiative for any change. People who have had the same or similar problem and have recovered, please help me and let me know when you had hypersexuallity or addiction to sex or pornography, after recovery, did your life seriously change? Are you satisfied with your new life ? Do you enjoy sex and relationship more, after your recovery from the disorder ?
Please help me
Thank you so much in advance for your answers.