My ex boyfriend and I broke up three years ago because he wanted to marry me and I wasn't ready for commitment as I was very young. I remember at the time I couldn't understand how he could just let me go if he loved me so much to marry me, but I was so young that now I understand that he valued and felt commitment was important. He was my first boyfriend and we had a really wonderful relationship. I remember being sad that we broke up but at the same time I felt like I needed to date other men before getting married. He kept contacting me every few weeks right after we broke up but I started seeing someone else and we stopped talking. He called on my birthday and then we didn’t talk for two months after that. I contacted him the next time because I realized I still had feelings for him and that I really missed him. We talked for a month and we were planning to date again but he told me that we can pick up right where we left off, (I thought) meaning that we would be heading towards marriage, and I felt uncomfortable again. I just wanted to enjoy our relationship and not worry about future commitment but I wanted to be exclusive with him. I felt angry why he couldn’t just enjoy being with me so I stopped talking to him. I began to move on and saw other men for the next year. He called several times but I always pretended I wasn’t there because I didn’t want to talk to him. I answered once and we talked but then I didn’t feel like talking to him again.

I contacted him a year later because I wanted to remain friends with him and also wanted to return the things he had let me borrow. He always said that I could hold onto them and he would get them the next time he came to my house so it was a way to keep us connected. I felt that I had moved on so I was returning his things but I wanted to maintain the relationship through friendship. He wrote to me saying that he could never be friends with me because it would hurt too much and he could only maintain contact with me if he knew we could be friends and more. Then he said that it was stupid that we ever broke up and he couldn’t understand why we ended something so perfect because I couldn’t commit. At the time I misunderstood what he was saying and thought he meant that it was stupid that I couldn’t commit.

I reread the letter recently and saw that he was saying that it was stupid of him to give up on the relationship because I couldn’t commit. But anyway, at the time I got upset again feeling that he was trying to force me into commitment so I told him that I’m sorry he felt we couldn’t be friends and returned his things.
A few days ago I was reading through my old emails when I came across the last one he sent when we had this last discussion. I felt so awful when I realized that he never meant that it was stupid of me not to commit but that it was stupid of him to give up on the relationship and I started thinking about everything we once had. I think I’ve always loved him, I just put him to the back of my mind because I was never able to understand why we broke up and why we weren’t together. I contacted him this time just in a casual way and he responded two hours later. Then he said he would be on IM later that night if I wanted to talk. We talked for an hour or so and then I told him I had to go to sleep. We’ve been talking every day since then, and yesterday he asked me if I remembered our song . When I answered him he wrote lol, but when I told him that I thought it was a pretty song he said it sucks and its overplayed. I think he was being sarcastic, but at the same time I felt weird and it made me doubt that he still has feelings for me. He also remembered my nickname that I told him like one time during a phone conversation three years ago, and he was talking about coming up to where I live sometimes. He also said he hasn’t felt this happy in a long time and doesn’t know why. He asked me a lot of questions at first, but yesterday when I was on IM he didn’t say anything to me. I wrote to him and he talked for a little bit but then didn’t respond for 10 minutes so I just left. I got back on a little later and then noticed he went offline too. He’s always on during the times I am on, and I notice that he gets off almost as soon as I get off. The truth is that I think I still love him and after rereading that letter I feel like I made a mistake because I misunderstood him and I really think we had something special. I’m sure that he feels hurt by me just like I felt hurt by him. I can’t tell if he still has feelings for me or not. What do you guys think? What should I do?