I've been suicidal on and off since I was 15 (I'm 18 now). It's not just the depression, but otherwise I'm a high energy person, hyperactive to the extent that I hop/ jump around instead of walking and I tend do tend to talk fast. I've always thought that these were just random bouts of depression, but when I googled 'the only person I cry for is myself' (apart from anime characters, but even then it's usually when the circumstances remind me of myself) one of the first results lead me to a forum for bipolar people, so I was researching on the symptoms shown by bipolar people, and I could really relate to their experiences: long periods of depression, excessive sleeping, constant crying, suicidal thoughts, cutting(that's kinda stopped now), ceased communication with the world, tendency to fight with family/ friends and feeling worthless in general.
When I'm normal(?): hyperactivity, less or no sleep, excessive studying(10-14 hours without a break), I tend to listen to a lot of music, I like painting/ drawing and I obsess over deceased scientists (like Einstein and Feynman).
And my aunt does tell me that I think I'm smarter than I am. I've been called selfish by my family members as they think I only talk to them when I want to or when I'm happy.
My mum has told me on several occasions that I have extreme mood swings determined by what happens with my friends in college, which is not entirely true but if I claim otherwise she keeps probing and I don't have an exact answer so she doesn't believe me anyway.
I can't afford to go to the doctor by myself, and my parents ...well they wouldn't understand; probably claim that I'm imagining things or 'giving' myself diseases (I got late treatment for my dust allergy and astigmatism as a result of those 'beliefs'). I've never had a good relationship with them.
These mood swings last from anywhere between a few hours to a few months.
I have my finals going on (my next exam is on tomorrow) and I can't concentrate on a thing. I usually do really well in academics but I can't seem to get anything done.
Bipolar seems the closest thing to what I'm experiencing, but no one in my family is bipolar, so I'm not really sure about it.
I'm sorry if this was too long :S