This is my biggest hurdle right now. I do not know how to find myself again. My hubby and I recently split for about a month and a half. There was so much going on with him and I. He got picked up for drugs one night and got probation and such. Right now hes in jail serving his time. He has been gone a week and will be gone for another week. The week before he turned himself in we started talking about living with each other again and working out or differences. Well Im lost right now. Heres whats going on in my head?

I saw Daniel on Saturday at the Jail. It was heartbreaking and heartwarming. I didn’t like seeing him chained up. We weren’t allowed to touch at all. That was rough to be so close and not even able to hold his hand. But the feeling I got when our eyes met was worth every discomfort. It was the love we have always had for eachother. It felt like the butterflies were back. We talked about stuff and both want things better. He wants to follow his court stuff and work through his charges. He says hes ready to be clean and do whatever he has to do and that he’s tires of running from everything. That was a good sign. He even admitted that he was wrong and that this is what he gets. That was the first time he saw his side of the whole legal issues.

I cannot wait to see him again though. Life is definitely very dark without having him near me or having him to talk to and lay with. He completes me and my family. I just wish we didn’t have to be so far apart. We need to be together to work through all our issues. I guess it’s good though cause he can have time to figure out his life and I can have time to figure out mine.

I don’t know how though. I lost myself through our seperation and last months together. I have no idea who the hell I am or who the hell im meant to be. What do I want from him? Or what do I want from myself. Like what kind of person am I. I feel lost and afraid most the time. I feel so insecure about every aspect in my life. I have no confidence in myself anymore. It seems like all my shame and guilt are on my shoulders. Not just from Daniel but from my entire life. I don’t know how to figure all this out. I guess most of me was happy only if Daniel was around or with me. Once he is gone all my happiness goes to. I don’t feel very happy or excited about anything in my life anymore. That is so depressing. I wish I could find my way. I feel so alone. Why don’t I have these answers? How the hell am I going to do this?

Yes I’m a mother and a hard worker. I take care of my family and try to take care of my friends. I just don’t know what my identity is anymore. I just want to scream and cry all the time cause I’m so frustrated. I feel empty and hollow. Its like im in a movie and Im just sitting there watching everthing but not being part of it.

My depression is taking over. That has to be it. I’ve always been depressed. I have good times and bad. But that little devil is always in the background waiting to take over. Well now it has and I’m so far into the tunnel that I cant see any light. I don’t see any future. Maybe I should see someone huh? I have insurance now so I guess I could. Gosh this is so hard for me.

So how do you know who you are? What are some things I can do to try and be whole again. I know this has to come from me and no one else. But Im stuck. Im sure some other woman has gone through this....maybe???