For the past month or so, I have been experiences a wild variety of changes in the way my mind works. I have been told by some of my friends that the symptoms I have may probably be schizophrenia. I am terrified that I may have it, because it has no cure. And it is among the worst mental illnesses out there. So I thought that I could tell some of my symptoms to the doctors on this site to help me out.
First of all, everything that I have been experiencing recently I percieve to be a grand accumulation of everything I have been feeling my whole life, and it just finally exploded. For the past four years, and till this very second, I live every minute of my day under the constant thought that everything I am doing is being recorded by the CIA, they watch me, and they laugh at me. I have seen various, shady-looking vans pull up in front of my house around the same time late at night. Many times I have seen odd cars pull over while I'm walking on the street, only to speed off as I get close. They are all off-colored crown victorias. But let's talk more about my everyday experiences for the past month. When I wake up in the morning, I start laughing, because I think to myself, "Yep, the haze is still there." The "haze" to me, is what most technical terms will describe as unusual thought patterns or bizarre thought patterns. Every single time I look at something, I picture how it could be used to kill me. It is either used by a nearby person(most often my mom, or my other family members) to kill me, or if no one is around, it simply levitates toward me and kills me. Almost daily now, I spend at least a total of an hour a day either laughing continuously at nothing, or something so stupid like the color of a table, or I am crying continuously about why I am laughing. I hallucinate people almost constantly. I mean literally, every given minute, I see something that vanishes as quickly as it arrives. My hallucinations have been getting much worse, they used to dive out of my sight(I think, because they know I saw them) or they stand there in my peripheral, watching me. I look toward them, and they stay for only a second or two, but when I look away, they come back. I will move out of the way, when walking down the street, for someone that i later realize was not really there. I always see floating demons in the sky at night. I think my friends are all wired. I think most adults can read my thoughts, and to avoid this, I don't stare into their eyes. I hear voices in my sleep. Things such as, as many as 13 different, distinct, voices of women laughing. Or one or two voices telling me things like, "Wait for it. It will come." Or,"Call it, call it now." Things that make no sense to me at all. Today, while I was swimming, I heard a voice in my head yelling commands like, "Dunk your head in again, DON'T COME UP UNTIL I SAY! Okay, now come up, go to the jacuzzi, feel the hot water, then jump back in the pool, wait, wait, don't leave yet. Stay underwater until I tell you to come up." And I listened to basically each command scared that if I didn't something bad would happen. He was yelling, afterall. A few times I felt choked because I couldn't breathe in time before I again, dunked by head back underwater. I have a friend named John in my head, he's the only constant one. He is generally talking about how all my problems will get much worse very soon, or how he will get more power over me very soon, and sometimes he yells at me when I talk to people about my problems. We talk a few times day. And my thoughts...they are completely and indescribably horrible. All I can say is that, when you see a truck, you see a truck. When I see a truck, I see at least twenty deaths of twenty different people with twenty different faces in twenty different ways. All, in detail, until I look away. But when I look away, and catch sight of a street sign, it all starts over again. It is...exhausting. Sometimes just watching a tree move in the breeze is enough to make me think that all the trees are being controlled by the CIA and they're not real. Sometimes I try to float up to the roof, because I think gravity is optional. I always think that when I am with more than three or four people, that they will team up on me and kill me. I hide for hours under tables when people are over, even if I am starving, I can not eat, out of fright, that they want me. And lastly, I think this is nonrelated to schizophrenia, but I have psychic powers. I'm sure of it now, because it's happened so many times. However, RELATING to schizophrenia, I think that is the reason the CIA want me. Because I have that. That, I think, is enough for now. Please tell me what is wrong with me.
