Do I have B.D.D.?

I've grown up dealing with childhood anxiety and depression..
I was never a "pretty" child. I wore glasses since I was 8, I was always reading, and interested in art. On top of my nerdy persona, I had (and still have) messed up teeth. My family is too poor for me to afford a total teeth makeover.. No boys were ever interested in me. I was sort of a recluse...a late bloomer.
I had my first serious boyfriend before the summer of my freshman year. We were inseparable. I lost my virginity to him. He made me feel beautiful. He made me feel special like no one ever had. No one, not even my own mom ever called me any nice names, let alone "beautiful." I was infatuated with him.
During our Junior year, I heard a rumor that my boyfriend cheated on me with one of his friend's younger sisters. It turned out to be true.

Normally, I would have bawled my ass off and been a total wreck like a little girl.
But I was so shocked and hurt, I didn't know what to do.
I guess it all festered inside; I would always ask myself the same questions over and over and over. "Why her? And why NOT me? What's wrong with me? What's she got that I don't? I’m not good enough. I’m just not pretty. Maybe he’d do more for me if I was pretty.”
He claims he was drunk or something, and doesn’t remember a thing. He has friends who can “confirm” his story. Its not even known for sure if they just made out or really had sex because everyone was so messed up.
I’m still with this man, because he has since then proved his love for me, and begged for my forgiveness.
I on occasion catch him watching internet pornographyh. Then all those feelings come back.
He has female friends who are total snobs, and never bother to acknowledge me, even when I’m right there next to him. Again, all those feelings come back.
He knows of all my self-esteem issues (and I’m surprised he hasn’t ran like hell for the hills from me) But I feel bad for blaming him for the way I feel. He loves me so much, and treats me like a princess now…I just don’t know why my mind feels like it HAS to feel so down when I got good things going for me. I don’t know where this all comes from. I just wish I knew where and when I started feeling like this.

I have horrible teeth, chronic acne…those I wish I could change. I feel like if I could just have perfect skin and teeth, I would be completely happy, and I wouldn’t feel so bad. I have no problems with body image. Just my effing face and teeth.

People call me pretty, and then someone else wants to talk trash about my pimples or teeth…
I want to be able to smile for real in a picture instead of hiding my teeth.


Because of all my dwelling, I feel like I’m the one who has made me feel so low and poor about myself. I feel like I have set the bar so high for myself, I know I can’t top it. I often contemplate hurting myself because I feel so hopeless and desperate to feel pretty for real. It gets so bad, I cry a lot.
I don’t want to feel this way, I feel like I belong in the crazy house…
I’m scared if I don’t start changing my attitude, my boyfriend of 5 years, will leave me…

What do I do to feel prettier if I can’t get rid of my acne overnight, and fix my teeth in a day?!