I've grown up dealing with childhood anxiety and depression..
I was never a "pretty" child. I wore glasses since I was 8, I was always reading, and interested in art. On top of my nerdy persona, I had (and still have) messed up teeth. My family is too poor for me to afford a total teeth makeover.. No boys were ever interested in me. I was sort of a recluse...a late bloomer.
I had my first serious boyfriend before the summer of my freshman year. We were inseparable. I lost my virginity to him. He made me feel beautiful. He made me feel special like no one ever had. No one, not even my own mom ever called me any nice names, let alone "beautiful." I was infatuated with him.
During our Junior year, I heard a rumor that my boyfriend cheated on me with one of his friend's younger sisters. It turned out to be true.
Normally, I would have bawled my ass off and been a total wreck like a little girl.
But I was so shocked and hurt, I didn't know what to do.
I guess it all festered inside; I would always ask myself the same questions over and over and over. "Why her? And why NOT me? What's wrong with me? What's she got that I don't? Iâm not good enough. Iâm just not pretty. Maybe heâd do more for me if I was pretty.â
He claims he was drunk or something, and doesnât remember a thing. He has friends who can âconfirmâ his story. Its not even known for sure if they just made out or really had sex because everyone was so messed up.
Iâm still with this man, because he has since then proved his love for me, and begged for my forgiveness.
I on occasion catch him watching internet pornographyh. Then all those feelings come back.
He has female friends who are total snobs, and never bother to acknowledge me, even when Iâm right there next to him. Again, all those feelings come back.
He knows of all my self-esteem issues (and Iâm surprised he hasnât ran like hell for the hills from me) But I feel bad for blaming him for the way I feel. He loves me so much, and treats me like a princess nowâ¦I just donât know why my mind feels like it HAS to feel so down when I got good things going for me. I donât know where this all comes from. I just wish I knew where and when I started feeling like this.
I have horrible teeth, chronic acneâ¦those I wish I could change. I feel like if I could just have perfect skin and teeth, I would be completely happy, and I wouldnât feel so bad. I have no problems with body image. Just my effing face and teeth.
People call me pretty, and then someone else wants to talk trash about my pimples or teethâ¦
I want to be able to smile for real in a picture instead of hiding my teeth.
Because of all my dwelling, I feel like Iâm the one who has made me feel so low and poor about myself. I feel like I have set the bar so high for myself, I know I canât top it. I often contemplate hurting myself because I feel so hopeless and desperate to feel pretty for real. It gets so bad, I cry a lot.
I donât want to feel this way, I feel like I belong in the crazy houseâ¦
Iâm scared if I donât start changing my attitude, my boyfriend of 5 years, will leave meâ¦
What do I do to feel prettier if I canât get rid of my acne overnight, and fix my teeth in a day?!