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Divorce? We're still in love! Depression! (Page 1)

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My wife and I've been married for 16 years. She is a wonderful, sweet, kind person that will do anything for anyone. We went through five cycles of in vitro and finally adopted a little angel about 6 years ago. Our daughter is now nine. Over the years, my wife and I became more like brother and sister than husband and wife, which was both of our faults. We care so much about each other. About two years ago, I hired an assistant at work that I fell in love with. She happened to be friends with my wife. Now I've left my wife and I'm deeply in love with the woman I hired. The problem is that I still love my wife too. I know I can't have my cake and eat it too, but how do you deal with different kinds of love? I mentioned my wife was a very nice person. She doesn't have moodswings and is willing to do whatever I want and go whereever I want. She has a career, but has always put my career and our daughter before her. The woman I hired and fell in love with is very emotional. She's fun and exciting, but can also push my buttons and drive me crazy. She's moody and can sometimes be selfish, or at least not put all the focus on me. The sad thing is that I like that about her. Although we have arguements, our personalities just click and we are really good together and compliment each other. My problem is that I miss the normalcy of everyday life with my wife and daughter and still love them very much, while at the same time the future with my new love is unlimited and exciting. Our divorce is final in two days and I'm feeling like I may be making the biggest mistake of my life. Any advice or words of wisdom that might help me?
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replied March 24th, 2009
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I think you, like many men, just wanted a little dose of 'strange', as some people put it. You were probably bored and felt that your relationship was way too predictable; you probably wanted some excitement and newness in your life. Instead of starting new a hobby or getting your wife to do something different, new and exciting with you to spice up your relationship, you got that excitement and newness elsewhere. Some men would rather have any kind of relationship besides one that is boring and/or predictable. I think you are one of those men.
That said, only you can decide which is the right woman for you. By leaving your wife, you pretty much made the decision then. Do you think your wife would take you back if you asked her to? Are you willing to do the work it will take to repair the relationship and regain her trust? Or are you feeling a little guilty or foolish for leaving her in the first place? If you're not ready to recommit to your wife 100% don't even think about reconciling. You have hurt her once before and it would be cruel of you to do it again. I think you need to do some serious thinking before acting. There is no deadline here. Divorce isn't the final say. If you really want to get back with her you can propose and remarry her. So don't make a drastic decision because in two days the government will recognize what you both know already- that you are no longer man and wife.
Good luck.
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Users who thank deteragram for this post: Fairy Godmother 

replied March 24th, 2009
Thanks deteragram!
I appreciate that. I can honestly say that I never cheated on my wife and never went looking for anything differently. I truly felt like it found me. When I fell in love with my assistant, it was because of her charisma with other people and our personalities just meshed. We fought it for a long time. No excuses, I just feel differently about that than if I was one of those bar hoppers that just goes looking for "strange". The line about NO DEADLINE helps a lot. Thank you!!
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replied March 24th, 2009
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will you be happy without your wife as a wife though....can you see yourself growing old without her? Or does life have your new love in it?

I personally think that you can help who you fall in love with...sometimes it sweeps you off your feet and you dont even know it

it sounds like that happened to you...but is this new love a true love or something you needed to feel alive again?

how does your wife feel? What does she say about this...your post says we are still in love???
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replied March 24th, 2009
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You're welcome, sooner91. Good luck with whatever decision you make.
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replied March 24th, 2009
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Once you divorce you wife, she will be AVAILABLE to another man. You have gone on and begun a new life for yourself. Whos to say the future doesn't hold a place for a new man and Stepfather in her life? How are you going to deal with this? Its true, you can not have your cake and eat it too. Years ago I was in your wifes position. It hurts....to watch your husband and father of your child decide they love someone else. I do hope your daughter is not going to suffer from this. My parents split when I was 6......so as a child from a divorced family, I know these feelings too. Whatever you decide to do, remember your daughter and her feelings too.
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replied March 24th, 2009
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sorry i meant you cant help who you fall in love with....

I also thought...if you were 100% sure about this new love...you would not love your wife.


just my opinion
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replied March 24th, 2009
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I AGREE
I totally agree with ROSIE H!!!!!!!!!!!
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replied March 24th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
yeah I mean...I have lusted over another man during my hubby;s and I seperation...but never once was I able to picture my life with that person. Or even get far enough to consider having another relationship with anyone else.

there was no way I could move on like that, I tried, and it wasnt happening.

Same for my hubby…he tried…but hes still in love. It just seems like if you were sure you wouldnt be on here asking us for advice
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replied March 25th, 2009
Tomorrow's the day
Well, I'm sick to my stomach. I went to my therapist yesterday and told her how I was feeling. You all are really good and ought to do this professionally because she said a lot of the same things. To summarize my situation, I was a child of divorce at age 7, then watched my Mom get left by my stepdad at age 17. At that time, I felt like it was my responsibility to make her happy. When I first met my wife, I had the same feeling that she really needed me and I was her caretaker. My wife also provided me stability that I haven't had in my life since my parents divorce. Over 20 years of knowing each other, we've grown and changed and our relationship grew boring, yet it was always very stable. It was mostly my fault and I realize that now. I could have done more but I failed. When I fell in love with my new love it sparked something that not only my marriage lacked at the time, but it sparked something that I had lost. My therapist sees it as a battle between stability and excitement. When my relationship with my new love gets unstable (Often), I want to go back to stability. If I were to go back to my wife, the minute that we get back into a rut, I'll want the fun and excitement of the other charismatic personality. Let me just say that I'm scared to death about tomorrow and do not want to divorce my wife but I'm terrified that because I'm so in love with the other person that I couldn't give my full heart and soul. I'm really not a bad person or a womanizer. I don't want to hurt either one of them! I feel like I can't tell my wife how I feel because it could rekindle hope and that would be cruel, so I just bottle it up. I'm rambling, I know, but I'm just really, really worried. Thank you all!!
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Users who thank sooner91 for this post: Fairy Godmother 

replied March 25th, 2009
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Wow you are in a tough situation aren't you? I'm kind of confused here though...you stated earlier that your relationship with your wife has sort of deminished into a brother/sister sort of relationship and that you still love her? BUT...this is what I'm wondering...you can have love for someone, you can love them with all your heart and soul..however there is a HUGE difference between loving someone and being IN LOVE with them...are you still in love with your wife? Or is it just a friendly love now? Your relationship doesn't have to end with her...you can still have a wonderful friendship together and love each other as friends...its just that for some reason through time you fell out of love(romantically)...I noticed you DID mention that you fell IN LOVE with this new woman...while you said you still LOVED your wife...see what I'm getting at? It IS possible for you to love both of these women, but they are different types of love...maybe this new woman is what you need romantically, while your wife and you can still be there for each other and love each other but as friends
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replied March 25th, 2009
Thanks worrywart
I think you are exactly right. My problem is that I know that if I didn't love my new love, I could be with my wife forever and not allow myself to let it become monononous again. We could be happy forever. However, the flip side of that is that if I didn't love my wife I couldn't tell you for sure that the other relationship is gonna work. It's weird, but the unknown kind of intrigues me. I don't see a way out now.
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replied April 29th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
Just my opinion
This might get to you too late, but here goes.
If thinking about divorcing your wife makes you sick to your stomach, there is a REASON...I don't feel you are in love with the other woman. You are in LUST. Sooner or later that relationship is going to get old and predictible, just as your marriage has. sadly, it's a fact of life. You should have been the one to make things better with your wife by telling her how you felt. The problem is that when affairs start, and sometimes even before, the spouse clams up and does not talk about their feelings with their partner. They talk to the outsider, the other love/lust interest. How is that going to help the marriage? Then you get divorced, and your wife goes on and finds someone else. I have seen it happen many times. The cheater regrets the decision, but it's too late. Remember one thing, if that woman cheated with you, she'll cheat ON you. Cheaters don't deserve to be trusted. Maybe you did your wife a favor, and just maybe, in time, you'll find you made the biggest mistake of your life. I hope for all your sakes you made the right choice. Good luck, and hope you found happiness.
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replied April 29th, 2009
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BRAVOOOOOOOOOO
TOUCHE~~~~~~~~~~raven53! Excellent conclusion!
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replied May 5th, 2009
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let me share my story with you.
i was with my ex for 5 years, i am sweet loving, peaceful person & i went to church. i think he took that as boring. he told the world that he isn't in love with me but he loves me.
he found someone he wanted to be with, so he treated me like crap so i would leave. i left and we became friends. the girl that he liked so much stayed with him for a year and she left him. he said she is moody, and she never had an orgasm, so he missed our great sex life, and my mild demeanor.

i m currently with the man of my dreams & my ex knows it. i dont talk to my ex anymore, but he's single and still wants me back.
your ex wife was as close to perfect as perfect can get. i feel like you made the biggest mistake of your life. once you knew how you felt about this new women you shouldve fired her, and it would've died down and you shouldve concentrated on your wife, counseling, sex therapy anything. you dont throw women like that away.
y'all contrasting personalities seems exciting now, but it's going to get on your nerves that she's selfish and moody.
but damage done, i wish you well.
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replied May 16th, 2009
what's the situation now?
sooner91, where are you now and what happened?
Lust is one thing but passion is another--and I think time will tell which you're feeling toward the new woman. That's why I'm curious how you feel now. I agree, you don't just throw people away when they get predictable, but also, if you don't feel passion for someone then it will hurt her and she will FEEL it. Sooner91 you said you were used to having your needs thought of by your wife, but that sounds like an unfair situation for the long term because she has needs too and if she isn't feeling that passion anymore then she deserves to get more. That's when SHE might start looking at other guys.
It sounds like it MAY be more than lust for the new woman. Are you just fixated on the excitement of being with her? then it's lust. But if you feel like she's opening the door to a new life for you, then it might be deeper, something that can BECOME love even if it isn't quite there yet. It will be a different love from the brother-sister thing. You can love your friends and siblings one way and it's a type of love but the passionate love is a different thing. So when you say you still love your wife I wonder what type of love it is? Maybe just sweet platonic brother-sister caring--but not PASSION.
how are you now??
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replied May 16th, 2009
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Really late on this one, what I think matters most is are you happy? Sometimes you have to put yourself first, sometimes make sacrifices to find what you are looking for. Most breakdowns in marriages is because people got to comfortable with the other person.

On the other hand I'm pretty open-minded and was going to see why someones such as yourself limited possibilities or potentials. you felt bad because you didn't make an effort, you miss the comfortable aspect but you want to be more spontaneous. You want someone to agree to what you are doing without fault because she was more like a sister, if you worked at it, you could have changed it somewhat.

Communication is a big part and sounds like you lacked it altogether, just remember this....

If you can't fix the problems of a previous relationship, you usually have a high tendency of carrying them over into the current relationship.

done.
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replied May 16th, 2009
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sooner91,
reading your second message. i want to say that my ex was in love with his ex for 2 years in our 5 year relationship. i ignored it but it hurt me inside. once that was over anything and everything caught his attention.
everything happens for a reason. maybe if your relationship doesnt work out with your new sweetie you can go back to your wife and appreciate her even more. you never know. life is a learning experience.
but as a christian i believe that divorce is only for sexual sin like adultry.
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replied June 27th, 2009
We're still in love? Or is it just you who can't decide?

You seem to have cheated on your wife already as since you weren't already divorced and already fell in love with your assistant. It's too late for anything. Sorry but you let temptation get the best of you.
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replied September 2nd, 2009
So I am curious where things are today for you???
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