I'm having very disturbing. reoccurring, nightmares. It started out as everyone once in a while and now it's nearly every night.
Let me just say, that I know they say that when you have bad dreams, it reflects something in your life and I do believe that. I feel like my life is in complete chaos in a way...but in a way things are pretty good.
I believe I'm dealing with a bout of depression right now, which is extremely strange for me. I use to be the HAPPIEST/STRONGEST person i know. I have been through so much in the past 5-6 years, but i handled the hard times splendidly! I honestly think that now that i am relatively safe, now that my family is relatively safe, i am falling apart. I don't get it! I have been homeless with a new born baby after escaping a violent relationship and during that time, my grandmother (the relative i was closest too)passed away and my mother snapped completely and was hospitalized with schizophrenia. I mean it was so hard but I only cried maybe 3 times, the rest of the time i was so motivated to make a good life for my child and I, I couldn't let myself get depressed. I did have violent nightmares about my grandmother and mother during a period of that time (about 3 years homelessness). I had violent dreams about my mother trying to kill me and rape me and her being a demon. But she is on medication that has her completely normal now. We are closer now then we were before she became ill and those nightmares, for the most part, have stopped. I also have an apartment for my child and I, my son has his own room. He's smart, handsome and doing well in school. I do have bad health problems so my ex moved in. My son has his father in his life (and he is not being violent with me) and his father is still kind of an ass and stresses me out, but it's not as bad as it was before and he is very good with my son.
These nightmares are so vile and ridiculously violent. If you want an example so you know i'm not just talking junk, last night i drempt that my son was watching "family guy" (a show i forbid him to watch) and was being a little disrespectful to me. On family guy there was a lot of sickness, i can't remember what exactly was happening but i remember seeing two children on the tv screen, toddlers, one a little girl with blond hair and someone came up behind her and started sawing her legs off. There was some other bloody things going on that i can't remember. The whole dream was like the first draft of the "Saw" movie.
Then i was getting mad at my son for watching that smut and i think i made a joke about him having been born with a twin brother that me and his father killed for being so sassy with us. Even though it was a joke i think they showed a scean where I was killing his twin, violently. Then suddenly my son began multiplying and he had a new twin who was very quiet and polite. An Asian guy was suddenly in my home (no idea) and for some reason me and the "good son" ran upstairs to get away from him. He started butchering the good son and I was trying to protect him saying that he was killing the wrong one. Suddenly, I had a bunch of sons, all different ages and races. I had another son that looked to be 17-18 or something and he was Asian too. The Asian killer who was in my home (and was shorter then my very tall Asian son) suddenly pulled out a hatched knife and started chopping his head off right in front of me.
I forgot to mention that we were in the master bedroom of the house i'd grown up in, this house is in my dreams a lot but I understand that my subconscious hasn't quiet caught up to the fact that it's been almost 15 years since i lived in this house. My ex/present boyfriend was in a sofa chair while my sons were getting butchered to death watching television and seemed almost humored by the blood bath. I started vomiting and couldn't take anymore of the gore and killing so i ran out of the house, still vomiting as a ran, and I was running until i woke up.
That dream had a lot to do with men I know, but most of my violent dreams don't have anything to do with men vs. women. The last one I had I was a cave woman and I was eating those half man/ half horse (Centaurs) creatures alive. It was really bloody and demonic in a way.
Seriously, what?? I go through hell and back like a soldier. Now that everything is good, I keep having these psycho dreams?
Sorry for the rambling. I know there's still things in my life that need to be fix, stuff that seems almost harder then my dealing with my mothers mental illness and my granny passing, but really aren't. I guess maybe i feel i have no control over my life right now. I don't know, i think i just needed to vent.