Hi,I am 19 years old female living in quebec.
I have started feeling depressed at 12 years old. I felt deressed because I would feel empty and emotionless, very disconnected. Never had treatment until I had a major depression at 17/18 yrs where I was followed by psychiatrist and treated with celexa(anti depressant), and various calming pills (imovan, remeron, ativan etc. and was much better. I am not on pills right now for depression. However, I can recall weird stuff happening troughout my teenage years: I would hear my name called, see things that are not there and sometimes I would be in a catatonic state, or sometimes I just felt very anxious and paranoid (walls waving), I sometimes feel very aggressive and have fantasies of hurting people ( I have many different fantasies it was like I lived in them) or I am imagining things that I am not sure after if then happened or not etc. I am concerned because approximatly 3 or 4 months ago symptoms reappered and it is more frequent.In my "disconnected periods" I often self-mutilate and I don't even know why. Over the past weekend I heared my door ring repeatedly in my head and it wouldnt go away or very low mumbling (i can never understand what it is saying) and I felt weird, very anxious and paranoid I even hit my ears a couple of time to make it stop.I have trouble sleeping. Yesterday, I was not feeling good either I started to be nervous (heart beat fast) and anxious for absolutely no reason. I had a fight with my partner but she could not follow what I was saying, it was not clear at all,and I told her things she didnt do. I felt everything and particularly me very awkward, some sort of disconnection. I have been feeling withdrawn and very "in my head", altough I never was a social person, I like to be alone. I did not want my partner to touch me because I felt really scared because I had the feeling it wasnt really my partner, that she was somebody else. I have started taking drugs regularly at age 18 (mostly weed)and I think it might have worsen my case. I am scared it is going to get worse, right now I would say it is episodic, but I am afraid it will become 24/7. What should I do???