Last week I had a talk with my gf of 21. We talked about her past abortion (refer to 'Past Abortion' post) with her ex.
I came to terms with the fact it was a mistake when she was 18. Although she should have known better - there's nothing I can do about it now and plus it happened long before I was around anyway.
We understood each other, and the thought disappeared from my mind.
Last night... when we were having chats about miscellaneous things, more of her past was revealed.
She lost her virginity at 15, with a guy who was 24. He made her believe he was 19. She moved out with him because she had a fight with her parents. She regretted it.
She then goes on talking about her recent ex and how she doesn't regret being with him. She had happy moments with him which she still thinks about.
Every word she spoke I could paint a perfect picture of.
I felt sooOo sad. Depressed. But I kept listening. What was I to think at that moment????
She went on saying how she bled again with her recent ex, which I couldn't take anymore.
She responded with feeling better she told me now than later.
Is it necessary to tell each other everything????
At that moment everything just added up. Things she's told me about her past and what she's been through.
Suddenly things like her bumping into her ex gets to me (It never use to phase me one bit). Everything little thing that runs through my mind now, simply escalates at an emotional level. I am really disappointed with my gf.
Am I wrong in feeling this way? Do I break up 6months of what we've had? I don't know what to do.......
Dude. She trusts you. That's great news actually. You should be pleased to know that after all that mess, you end up as the winner, as you are THA BOYFRIEND.
I see that you feel some kind of competition with the past. Wrong ! You can't fight past. It won't go away. Don't let past be an excuse for breaking up, that's ridiculous.
You're down because you feel like all the past bfs are all pointing and laughing at you. But see it the other way: how do you think she feels about her abortion, her brief virginity and so on ? It's not fun for her either, and it's a proof of courage and trust that she talked to you about it. If it disturbs you it's okay, I would certainly feel the same (happened to me too).
The best advise I can give you is don't let her past rule her. Let you be the one to rule her! Be kind, listen, kiss, make gifts, small notes, take her out, surprise her-- Just do every possible thing so she won't even need to think of the past to feel better: you are that reason, go for it and show her how you're crazy about her and that you don't judge for her past ! You can't believe how important it is.
Don't hesitate to tell her -- yeah the past kinda bothers me to hear, but I am very glad you talked to me about it. It shows you don't want to hide things from me.
Also tell her, that you love her just the way she is. Because it is, right ? You just didn't say it that way did ya
I don't want to be harsh on you but in my opinion she's the one who needs the most support. So, dude, it's SHOW TIME, show what you got and make her forget the rest.
Last note, about the ex with "good memories".
My ex sees me that way yoo. She tells her bfs how great I was with her and all. But believe me, even when I tried, she just won't come back. I've become a "friend with a bunch of memories" to her. But she does not love me no more. Period. She still had our picture of the pram hanging on her wall. But no, she doesn't want to go out with me again. Believe me girls are good at making barriers, and as a "good times" ex, I have no privileges whatsoever. Hope that point of view helps.
So you know what to do. Past won't move, so it's still there in her mind. It's up to you to make her think of something else... ie, you
Ah...so you talked to the girlfriend about things..thats good...communication and guys dont always go well together so its good to see you care enough to talk things out(my boyfriend usually will just ignore things and hope they will magically dissappear haha riiiiight).....I think its good you guys are getting everything out about the past...now its your choice whether to accept it...or walk away from it...you have to decide if shes worth getting over it for....and it sounds like she seems to be pretty honest and trustworthy...everyone has made mistakes...she could have hid it from you...but i'm sure eventually later on in the relationship it would have come out..so its better to just get everything and put it upfront...everyone thinks about their ex from time to time, certain things can trigger memories, but thats all they are...accept her past...or move on...
Thank you s_kalb, for your feedback on this matter. They have been very constructive. I appreciate it.
I'm not usually the type of person who would break down like this. It was a difficult battle I had to endure.
I ended up talking to my gf last night about it.
She made me realize how much impact I had on her. She is very happy with me, and she feels she could tell me anything. She saw me as this understanding and reasonable person that I am.
What an 'understanding' person I turned out to be...
We had a 3 hour chat which covered most areas of doubt. I suddenly felt stronger. All the negative thoughts have cleared up, and I was able to take control of how I feel once again. I guess I needed that assurance from her.
I'm glad its all over and hitting that revelation was sooner than I anticipated.