I turned 40 this year. Ive had some success in my career. have a wife and child..my daughter is fantastic.
my father passed 2 years ago.
ive always felt apart from things. people like me yet i really have no close associations, no friends

the other night i found an old girlfirend online and emailed her. we started talking about old times.. then she told me that when i left her she was pregnant. i didnt know this.

she termed the pregnancy.. i understand that.
i had been feeling that this trip down memory lane was fun. it was nice to talk to someone.

then i burned it all down. freaked her out about her job poking her that i was going to apply there. i just thought if i tore it all down then she could be free of me and the baggage of this event.

shes being nice now and emailing me chec king to see if im ok. im keeping it at a distance not because i dont want her freindship i need it, but because i dont trust myself.

ive messed with her head and her life.

i dont like the person that i am. ive become selfish, i can see it. i dont repect others or think about consequences.

im just not happy. i cant recall what happiness really feels like.

i cant imagine that this is my life, that after 40 years this is it.
this is who i am
these are the choices ive made

im dissapointed in myself

thank you for reading this