Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

Did he or didn't he emotionally abuse me and is he still? (Page 1)

Crumbs, where do I begin!

I'm 34 and I started seeing a chap over 5 months ago (met him on a dating site), anyway, he is 35 and when I read his profile it was like reading about myself but he is a man. So, after a while I emailed him and he replied. I mentioned that he was indeed me but a man and as a joke commented on the fact that he may even be a brother which he laughed at. We emailed for a while and then decided to meet-up. Of course we drank a fair bit and then proceeded to go back to his (we didn't have sex) but talked and joked about things and finally went to sleep. In the morning we did have sex but I didn't want to but I still did - wish I could just say no sometimes.

After a couple of days we met up again and talked about out lives and the past - in my case, wasn't the best idea but then I really wasn't to know what would happen next. I basically don't have parents and have had a lot of pain in my life which sometimes affects me and I can get down also, 2009 had thrown a lot of rubbish in my direction such as breaking up with my BF, losing my baby and being made redundant so I must have been oozing vulnerability. That aside, I am a very strong woman with a lot of passion and drive and have succeeded in a lot of areas. One of which is building my own company. Anyway, he too had a very hard time with his mother dying of cancer when he was 10/11 and that lasted over a 5 year period. He had an abusive father, followed by an abusive stepfather who drank to try to cope with the pain of his wife dying however, I can only conclude that my ex witnessed this, therefore acted in the same way.

Everything started to happen very quickly - the first alarm bell went off as he began to call me up at 4 in the morning and asked to cycle over to his house - this continued before I put a stop to it and said it wasn't possible and that he should stop ringing up at such strange times. He later went onto drinking lots and would ring me up and abuse me (I had only known him a month) so I was baffled by why he was calling me a prostitute, !**@!, slag, basically all sorts of names. This kept happening. While I was trying to understand the situation, everyday getting upset because he didn't even know me to make such statements. As it continued, I got really worried because he would call me all the time and make me feel really degraded and worthless. After a couple of weeks his ex texted him which I found odd but understood because they had split up only in the July and we got together in August. He went on to tell me she was mental and would hit him on several occasions which I found a bit odd. What was to proceed was a series of texts from her to him which he would show me so I was not best pleased with him if he continued to have contact with someone whom quite clearly had abused him or at least that is what I thought. Yes, yes, why didn't I go at that point!

At the time I was looking a flat and had placed an advert on a internet site - later that day I received an email from a woman about a flat, I responded and arranged to meet, however she didn't give me her number. At 1:30 in the morning I received a phone call from him saying he had received a email from his ex about the flat, he was basically claiming that she had found my details and sent me an email. I didn't believe him, yes she could have been mad etc but my instinct told me not to believe him. Everything had been weird since day one, very intense, very dark and pressured the whole time so I was feeling dubious and confused. Besides, when ever he met me he would say I wasn't loving enough and that he wanted amazing and passionate beginnings but how could I open up when he was abusing me verbally on a daily basis. The next day I told him I was freaked out by his ex stalking me and told him I was going to call the police. He shouted at me and told me not too but I ignored him anyway, I just wanted the crap to stop and I certainly didn't want his ex on my case. That morning I went in to report the incident, only to be harassed by him via phone a texts - while I was in the police station I received 35 phone-calls and numerous texts so much so that the police were very concerned. I was very upset about what had gone on over the months I had known him! I spoke to his sister due to him giving me her number because he wanted me to know that his ex was a nutter so I called her and she confirmed that she was but then when I told what he was doing to me she said 'not again', so he had done it before to his ex which may have pushed her over the edge. I also told her about the email and the police and she said 'GET OUT NOW BEFORE HE SCREWS YOU UP'. The police wanted to pick him up but I said I think that I think them knowing would be enough to stop him from continuing.

It didn't stop though and was getting worse, it got to the point that every time he would speak to me he would shout and scream, making me cry, I was basically afraid to say anything or do anything. I stopped seeing my friends, going out and became really sad and kept blaming myself for for his actions and what had happened to me in my life. I was grieving for my baby anyway and didn't have any strength to fight him as he kept putting me down. On several occasions we would go out and he would accuse me of flirting, I was a lesbian, prostitute, a !**@!, you name it, I was it. He would often get really drunk and would leave me in the middle of London with no money, no keys and no bike so I couldn't get home. He would shout at me everyday belittling me at every given moment, wearing me down bit by bit. He would say I didn't fancy him or that I didn't want to be with him but all I tried to do was make him happy and love him, he just didn't believe I could possibly due to his own insecurities. I do love him a lot because I could see where his pain extended from. One day I was commenting on how we didn't have a connection the first time we met but that we do now - I heard the door slam and then a series of destructive texts arrived. He later returned and told me to leave and proceeded to throw me down the stairs, he even accused me of kissing someone. At every given moment he would attack me emotionally and verbally by saying I was negative and not into him often making me cry and doubt myself. Currently I am seeing a therapist just to talk about my past so I can move on so I suggested he go and see a therapist too, to find out why he was pushing me away and hurting me so much, he agreed and as far as I'm aware has started but then he could be lying. Who knows....

The police then called me and told me he had previous - he had assaulted his ex in July and they were going to pick up him up. Damn, I thought, please don't because its only going to get worse for me. It was out of my hands and they are now trying to pick him up. This has now been going on for 6 weeks and they are still yet to pick him up as he is avoiding it. He told me at the time the police called me that we needed space to work things out and calm down which is what happened aside from my panic attacks (never had those before), he had his space but then I couldn't handle not knowing what was happening or going on so I went round there to tell him it was over. While I was talking to him and asking him why he had acted the way he had he only went on to say that I was abusing him and bullying him - I had done nothing of the sort, he had been systematically abusing me for the last four months and now it was me who was the problem. I was so low and sad at that point that I started to blame myself and at one point thought of ending it all. I saw myself as a failure and would constantly over analyse everything and would keep repeating to myself over and over again how crap I was and that I didn't deserve anything. To top it off, he was still talking to his ex - his explanation was that he needed to work out what went wrong and whether he had done what he had done to her to me and he said that he would continue to talk to her if he wanted and that I was controlling him. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't, I just know that I was one very confused woman at that point.

I decided to spend Christmas on my own, partly because I was so down and partly because I needed some thinking time. On Christmas Eve he called me and was really lovely and said he would call me over the period and that we should plan to go cycling in the New Year. I said I would be fine and that I needed some time out to work things out. I think because I was taking some control back he didn't like it and when I called him he ignored me and continued to do so, finally when I got throw he started shouting at me again. That upset me a lot, he was now ignoring me because I was working things out myself and was on the road to recovery, I presume that was why he was ignoring me. Things got very heated when he ignored me; it pushed me down further and I was too upset to talk or go out. I was experiencing panic attacks and crying all of the time. Finally I called up some friends and told them what had been going on and they were shocked, not only because of what he had been doing but because I had locked myself away and hadn't told anyone apart from my therapist. One friend persuaded me to go away for New Year to chill-out which is exactly what I did. I spent three days away from it all and I didn't call him or email, just calmed down and looked after myself with my friends around me. I only returned home on the 2nd January and felt calmer and happier, however there was a couple of emails from him - as soon as I saw them I was scared, I was physically frightened by what he may have said. To my astonishment, he had been working on my logo and had sent some examples through which was nice of him, he also said he would be at the cinema too. I sent him an email to say thanks and asked him whether he would be coming to the cinema for def the following day and that I had had a lovely time chilling out looking after 10 horses and I was in fact feeling much better and stronger. I had basically hit rock bottom but was fine now and understood the situation. After which I received an email saying that he now wouldn't be going to the cinema because he felt it might be a bit much at the moment (strange, because I was feeling OK). Fair enough, I thought. He then went on to say 'I'm happy you're doing stuff and look forward to the future too. I want to be a really good friend and for you to know how important you are and how much I think of you. I hope you understand this time. There will be much more fun to be had'.

So, my question is, is he in fact an abuser? Is he playing his usual games and by not going, trying to upset me again, therefore wanting me to get upset, call him and down about it? Or, does he actually care and really only wants for it all to get better and for us to sort ourselves out?

P.S Excuse typos, punctuation etc - not the easiest thing to write.
Did you find this post helpful?
|

replied January 3rd, 2010
Hey, first of all I just wanna say I'm really sorry for what you're going through. Emotional and verbal abuse can at times be just as bad as pysical abuse. I'm only 17, but hopefully I can help.
He is abusing you. It's not acceptable. You said you are a strong woman, so I advise you block him out of your life. This is the thing about meeting someone over the internet, it's so sad. You don't know them like they are in real life. Although there are also some good people out there, it was just bad luck. My mother has been through this countless times and I keep telling her to go out in real life and meet someone, not from the internet.
The best thing to do is continue sessions with your therapist, stay close to family and friends. Maybe close off relationships for a few months, don't get invlolved with anyone until you are emotionally stable. So get a new phone number, a new email maybe? And maybe take a night off to a local hotel, treat yourself. I think you deserve a break from reality. If it makes you feel better, cos hell, it makes every woman feel better! Have a bath, with some relaxing music and candles, have a tub of ice cream close by, and indulge! Make yourself feel worthy again, because you are. You don't need someone like that in your life again, and to be honest, try not to get involved with someone on the internet. Block him out, as much as it hurts it might be better for your mental well being. Go out to clubs with your friends or something social, maybe you'll meet the man of your dreams. But remember, stay at your own pace, you'll know when you're ready. I hope I helped, good luck Smile
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 3rd, 2010
Thanks for your comment, its so hard when someone does that and yet you only want them to be alright and to love them.

Its a difficult, rubbish situ to be in but I'm getting there!

Thanks again - very wise words from a 17 year old. Smile
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 3rd, 2010
Ah I've been through alot Razz
I know the feeling, my ex was kind of like that and I felt helpless and still loved him despite all that he was and I couldn't help but love him. Hope you find your own way through this Smile
x
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 3rd, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
To be honest, why would it matter?
You wrote 150-odd lines about how miserable this guy made you. You're not in a relationship. I think it's best to move forward with your life and leave him in your wake. Don't analyze what's wrong with this guy. You can't fix him and even if you could he certainly hasn't earned your help.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 3rd, 2010
Experienced User
hiya nataliarose, iv been so shocked by your story, your one hell of a brave woman! however just through reading your story you also sound so down, bullied, and scared, who can blame you after all of that, your question is he infact an abuser, my answer would be without even having to think about it, yes!! probably not what you want to hear, but i have infact been through similar with my man, im 26 hes 27 and he does love me i know that he does, but he likes everything his way, he verbally abuses me if he doesnt get it or shouts at me and causes arguments, in the past he used to push me as hard as he could, pushed me with a 2yr old in my arms ( my son ) wanted and made my son call him daddy, shut me in a door and bruised hell out of me, called me a psycho on a regular basis, he was just horrible! we split up and saw other ppl for a few of months but have been back together a couple of months now, he still throws the insults but very rarely, and is very controlling, i still have to do as im told, if im not at his on time i get had a go at!! and its all just getting worse, at this very moment hes sending me messages but i just dont want the arguements so im not replying i need time away! see i dont think ppl like this do change, i dont think they know how to, see last year we split quite a few times and he always made it seem like it was me, my fault, i changed for him every single time in order for him to have me back, but he would never change all he ever said to me is im not changing, i am who i am if you dont like me leave! i was a total mess, and hes since started saying this again! see these types of men are very very selfish! i genuinely do not think they will ever change! and i think you should take the advise of his sister and get out now b4 he does screw u up, i should have dont that over 2 years ago, but its so so hard so i know why your posting this! i hope u can see whats best to do for you, but do you think the best would be for you to stay with someone who verbally and physically (from the throwing down the stairs thing) abuses you? dont you deserve better?? do you want to be scared for the rest of your life over the way someone you love is going to treat u? what his mood will be like from one day to the next? does he feel like abusing you today or doesnt he? i mean if this man did this to his ex too the surely hes been abusive for quite some time now, a leopard never changes his spots so they say, i hope your ok and wish you all the best x
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 5th, 2010
Thanks everyone. I know he is an abusive man but I cannot help but want to help him and love him. Silly but true.

He says he is seeing a therapist and he won't talk to me and/or see me which is a good idea but I still miss him. Currently, I feel he has a hold over me due to him working on my logo for my business which is a pain but needed due to not having the funds to pay someone. This, I believe means he still continues to have some control or maybe he is just trying to be nice and work on my logo for me.

I feel like I'm in limbo and just want him to get the logo done so I can get on with my life!

Doh
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 5th, 2010
Experienced User
how long has he been working on it for and did he tell you how long it would take him or give any sort of timescale?? dont let him keep you dangling hun, tell him if he doesnt you'l go elsewhere, i know you say you cant but if this is what he is doing, maybe its a kick up the backisde he needs?? it may be best tho if you arent talking at the minute, maybe its giving him time to really think about all thats happened etc! i know its hard when you love someone, the amount iv forgave my partner and accepted responsibility for his wrongs is ridiculous but we do do these things when in love! there is only so far you can push a person tho as they say everyone has there limits! so maybe one day we will see things more clearly and realise we deserve better but until then i suppose we just have to make the best of these situation x
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 5th, 2010
A couple of weeks. He has sent some stuff through which looks really good but cannot do anymore for a few days or thats what he tells me.

The thing is, he told me he adores me and I'm an inspiration to him but then he still ignores me. I bought us the tickets to the cinema yesterday and he didn't turn-up but left the ticket at the reception - when I got there, it wasn't there! Still watched the film with a friend though and it was amazing. The only thing that pissed me off was I kept thinking about him the whole way through! Damn

I don't understand why he doesn't want to meet-up, I love him yes, and would love to get back together and sort things out but thats not possible and I know that so why does he not want to see me or keeps ignoring me and making me feel like crap. I need to discuss my business and logo with the designer face to face but he just wont do it -how can it work if he cannot see me.

I just wish I didn't love him as much as I do but I do.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 5th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Yes it is really hard when you love someone to notice exactly what they are doing to you, but he has been emotionally and verbally abusing you and unless he gets professional help he is not going to get better and he will continue to be like that because in his eyes you are the one in the wrong and making him say these things to you...good luck...Jenny
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 5th, 2010
Ummmmmmmmm, Sad
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 5th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
sorry if i upset you hun but i know from experience...and what i went through was exactly the same..Jenny
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 5th, 2010
I'm feeling up and down everyday so you haven't upset me - I just upset myself by allowing it to happen.

He isn't talking to me though so its looks like he is taking the right step, i'm just soooooooooo gutted I couldn't help him. I sort did and he nows sees someone but that will take along time. Just want to meet someone who accepts me for me and doesn't try to control me or make me feel bad.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 5th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
and you will meet someone like that it will just take time..Jenny
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 13th, 2010
Don't blame yourself it's not your fault that you thought he was a "normal" person. We all think everyone else is normal or we don't think that they could be abusers.Pat yourself in the back for realizing that what you're going through is not ok because unfortunately some women think that it is. We all have the capacity to change if we want to, no one can change us and same with him, he won't change unless he wants to and there's nothing you can do about it. If he wanted to change he would have sought help already. None of this is your fault but you can educate other women about men like him so they don't fall into the same trap as you.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 26th, 2010
Experienced User
He is deeply psychotic, affectively sociopathic, though occassionally aware of his wrong(?), that wants you there only to provide him an ego, an outlet for his inadequacy, to manipulate and control, to fill with giult and remorse, to put an extension on him. He needs you in this vulnerable and crushed state, poisoned, just alive but no more, and all this to support thing. Be advised on escape, put protection in place, and live a life without him.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 26th, 2010
Crumbs, I have just read about Sociopath's and he ticks all the boxes apart from friends...he seems to have friends. They must know he is a strange one.

It's like he is stuck at 13. He is a clever chap, but behaves like a school boy, that's when his abuse started. He even dresses in only black trousers and white shirts, cutting off the collars, part of the sleeves and the bottom - he does that to his T-shirts also and everything has to be baggy - he doesn't like restriction. Even though he has strangled me on occasions and pushed so firmly down on my chest that I am unable to breath. One day I got a rope and wrapped around my neck and pulled on it, it was a joke but I also wanted to see his reaction, he basically didn't like it and had a real go at me and kept going on about it. Anyway, it was a joke and I shouldn't have started to play his games.

We are now at the end of Feb and I have heard from him via email maybe once, twice a week due to working on my website....he is taking his time! I told him 5 days ago that I was finally over him and only wanted to work with him on my website/logo and nothing, no response, nothing so maybe he has found another victim or he is playing the usual game....keeping me wondering and wanting him.

What bothers me so much about this is, I LOVE HIM and WOULD TAKE HIM BACK. How stupid am I.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 26th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Sociopathy is not a simple disorder. I would resist the urge to diagnose your partner until you complete your doctorate in psychology. However getting help for being in love with someone that physically abuses you should be a priority. Talk with an analyst about this.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 27th, 2010
Sociopathic disorders come in all shapes and sizes very extreme and/or not and his behavior and traits tend to look very similar but that is not to say he is and, that is certainly not what I am saying! I have studied psychology and will complete a doctorate in the next few years so just maybe this is all part of the research, huh.....

Its good that you are giving your comments and feed-back, not I must say in a very positive way. You seem to be on both comments almost talking to me as if I'm stupid or you are having a go at me, which I find odd. I was the one in the relationship and it was/is certainly very different from the two other abusive relationships I have been in.

I am the one coming to terms with it and, finding solutions and ways of coming to terms with it.

P.S Wolf, interesting username!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied February 27th, 2010
Experienced User
Yes, it matters not whether he could be labeled as strictly sociopathic, only that somebody says enough, with fear if need be, to get you out. I may have given you another reason to prolong the relationship, by way of curiosity(?) but that was totally unexpected, and obviously not the desired affect. His having friends does not need to work in his favour, he manipulates? If as you say, all my sentiments are correct, it`s even well within reason that you still love him/think you do, and even more reason to insure your total escape.
These observations are opinion based obviously, but might be worth your while to be checked.
|
Did you find this post helpful?