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Q: Desire to stop eating disorder
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SamanthaG
New User
I believe I've been developing an eating disorder for the past couple of weeks now. I have never been the type of girl trying to seek help from others in this aspect of my life- but I have become desperate, I don't want to destroy my life like so many others.
Here goes;
(ps. thanks for everyone devoting their time to my personal issues)
I am a short blonde girl, I have always been good at math and other logical matters. I am fifteen and I've been placed in school a year earlier than I should've been. English is not my homelanguage- Afrikaans is and I live in South Africa. My mother has an eating disorder and at 42, she is still at a dangerously low weight. I have never been satisfied with myself, and although I know it's not her fault, she enjoys being skinnier than me. My younger sister also has a long, skinny figure and people have always envied her because she is so beautiful(she is actually a very lovely little girl). My older brother is smart a computerwiz- but people like him anyway, especially girls. My dad (a successful engineer) loves skinny, long girls- what man doesn't?
About a few weeks ago I snapped. I don't believe anyone would have called me fat, but I've always felt fatter than my sister and my mother. I don't have an admirable figure- short, no boobs and broad shoulders. My friends have been chosen above me by boys often and my personality could never save me either. I am well-known of having a fine figure, but I am never called beautiful.
And now I dont know where to go anymore, thus I am seeking help on the internet- from you guys
Hours went by were I would just stare at myself in the mirror, hating those lines.. hips, seeing my butt was always the worst part. Chipmunkcheeks, f-me face, ugly elephantlike ears, upperarm fat, short arms, broadlike shoulders, flatbreasted, abdominal plasty, swollen tummy, backbehind fat, bridgelike hips, baboon butt, short legs- hippo upperlegs and tiny feet with my toes that look like viennas.
Standing in the mirror has become a nightmare for me. I can't even pass a window of a car/shopping center anymore without checking one more time if that hideous girl is still me.
I feel like everyone has been looking down at me my whole life- even you as you are reading this now.
I didn't want to be like my mum, I didn't want to purge my food or be unhealthy. Though I love her, I hate her eating disorder. I hate the way she still uses it as an excuse for so many things. I'll help her as soon as I heal myself.
So I decided to get skinny without purging, I would eat healthy meals three times a day and hopefully something will happen. I mesmorised a calorie counter and kept my kilojoules at 5000 KJ a day. I am a good jogger and I used to be good in sports, so I got back to jogging 5 kms a day. I started to take my bicycle to school.
In the beginning it went good- I limited myself to the 3-meals-a-day-no-matter-what schedule which consisted of tuna, fresh fruit & vegetables, rice cakes, popcorn and tea. I lost 2 kgs in a two weeks, which doesnt sound amazing, but I wanted it to be constant. My tummy was regular and I went to the bathroom everyday. It was great really. I felt good.
One afternoon I felt like noodles- and I was actually so proud of myself that I allowed it. So I ate a packet of noodles, but I wasn't fully satisfied- so before I knew it, I finished two sandwiches as well, together with some muesli. I couldn't believe myself. Binging isn't who I am- and I had to be skinny before I saw my boyfriend who I havent seen in quite a while because he is studying. My hands got shaky, my tummy felt so bloated.. it would take so long to feel pure again after that... I went to the bathroom and ran myself a bath, and the toilet was just there waiting for me. I promised myseld it was only that one time. I would run my hand down my throat ONE TIME- get it out and never think about it again. Its GROSS.
It was hard at first, pushing my fingers further and further down my throat- I made myself think of desgusting thoughts. I tried to imagine salt and bread mixed together and me eating it. Coffee and mustard. Orange juice and milk. Sour milk. I drank water from the tap and pushed the fingers down one more time. And then it came, like a desgusting bitter flush. I felt relieved and exhausted simultaniously, but there was so much more to go... The water of the bath kept running and I knew nobody knew, I would get rid of it all..
I tried not to think of that one time, and continued with my normal diet, but there came three other times where I overate myself in the following month- and I did the same. I sliced the back of my throat each time and and I got marks on my hands- Even though it was only four times. I felt ashamed because I knew it was signs of Bulimia.
Two nights ago while my parents were out, I went out to celebrate a friend's birthday with him. He slipped a huge slab of chocolate in my bag even though I told him not to- he greeted me saying I should enjoy it. I rode back home on my bicycle in the rain. And when I was all alone in my room, I was thinking about that chocolate, I didn't want to eat any of the snacks we had with us. I finally promised myself only a few blocks, but eventually I finished it all. I knew I had to puke it out. Chocolate would be easy. It's creamy and it's slimy when swallowed. And I knew exactly where to puke it too- we have an outside room with an outside toilet. I made my way downstairs knowing my parents are still out, got to that bathroom and undressed so I wouldn't mess my clothes up, I stood over the toilet and started the routine when I heard the garage open. I have never been so frightened in my life. I got dressed as soon as I can, switched off the light, locked the door and ran upstairs. And thank HEAVENS nobody heard/saw me.
I have never had a worse night.. all that fat.. Itll take me forever to get it off.
I have been puking everything since. I don't want to be like this. I'm going to study medicine when I finish school. I have so many dreams. I don't want this life and I am prepared to do anything to stop it.
Please please please
Just tell me how to stop the urges
I want to be skinny AND healthy. I don't want problems, I want to be happy.
I know selfharm isnt a road that should be followed.
Here goes;
(ps. thanks for everyone devoting their time to my personal issues)
I am a short blonde girl, I have always been good at math and other logical matters. I am fifteen and I've been placed in school a year earlier than I should've been. English is not my homelanguage- Afrikaans is and I live in South Africa. My mother has an eating disorder and at 42, she is still at a dangerously low weight. I have never been satisfied with myself, and although I know it's not her fault, she enjoys being skinnier than me. My younger sister also has a long, skinny figure and people have always envied her because she is so beautiful(she is actually a very lovely little girl). My older brother is smart a computerwiz- but people like him anyway, especially girls. My dad (a successful engineer) loves skinny, long girls- what man doesn't?
About a few weeks ago I snapped. I don't believe anyone would have called me fat, but I've always felt fatter than my sister and my mother. I don't have an admirable figure- short, no boobs and broad shoulders. My friends have been chosen above me by boys often and my personality could never save me either. I am well-known of having a fine figure, but I am never called beautiful.
And now I dont know where to go anymore, thus I am seeking help on the internet- from you guys
Hours went by were I would just stare at myself in the mirror, hating those lines.. hips, seeing my butt was always the worst part. Chipmunkcheeks, f-me face, ugly elephantlike ears, upperarm fat, short arms, broadlike shoulders, flatbreasted, abdominal plasty, swollen tummy, backbehind fat, bridgelike hips, baboon butt, short legs- hippo upperlegs and tiny feet with my toes that look like viennas.
Standing in the mirror has become a nightmare for me. I can't even pass a window of a car/shopping center anymore without checking one more time if that hideous girl is still me.
I feel like everyone has been looking down at me my whole life- even you as you are reading this now.
I didn't want to be like my mum, I didn't want to purge my food or be unhealthy. Though I love her, I hate her eating disorder. I hate the way she still uses it as an excuse for so many things. I'll help her as soon as I heal myself.
So I decided to get skinny without purging, I would eat healthy meals three times a day and hopefully something will happen. I mesmorised a calorie counter and kept my kilojoules at 5000 KJ a day. I am a good jogger and I used to be good in sports, so I got back to jogging 5 kms a day. I started to take my bicycle to school.
In the beginning it went good- I limited myself to the 3-meals-a-day-no-matter-what schedule which consisted of tuna, fresh fruit & vegetables, rice cakes, popcorn and tea. I lost 2 kgs in a two weeks, which doesnt sound amazing, but I wanted it to be constant. My tummy was regular and I went to the bathroom everyday. It was great really. I felt good.
One afternoon I felt like noodles- and I was actually so proud of myself that I allowed it. So I ate a packet of noodles, but I wasn't fully satisfied- so before I knew it, I finished two sandwiches as well, together with some muesli. I couldn't believe myself. Binging isn't who I am- and I had to be skinny before I saw my boyfriend who I havent seen in quite a while because he is studying. My hands got shaky, my tummy felt so bloated.. it would take so long to feel pure again after that... I went to the bathroom and ran myself a bath, and the toilet was just there waiting for me. I promised myseld it was only that one time. I would run my hand down my throat ONE TIME- get it out and never think about it again. Its GROSS.
It was hard at first, pushing my fingers further and further down my throat- I made myself think of desgusting thoughts. I tried to imagine salt and bread mixed together and me eating it. Coffee and mustard. Orange juice and milk. Sour milk. I drank water from the tap and pushed the fingers down one more time. And then it came, like a desgusting bitter flush. I felt relieved and exhausted simultaniously, but there was so much more to go... The water of the bath kept running and I knew nobody knew, I would get rid of it all..
I tried not to think of that one time, and continued with my normal diet, but there came three other times where I overate myself in the following month- and I did the same. I sliced the back of my throat each time and and I got marks on my hands- Even though it was only four times. I felt ashamed because I knew it was signs of Bulimia.
Two nights ago while my parents were out, I went out to celebrate a friend's birthday with him. He slipped a huge slab of chocolate in my bag even though I told him not to- he greeted me saying I should enjoy it. I rode back home on my bicycle in the rain. And when I was all alone in my room, I was thinking about that chocolate, I didn't want to eat any of the snacks we had with us. I finally promised myself only a few blocks, but eventually I finished it all. I knew I had to puke it out. Chocolate would be easy. It's creamy and it's slimy when swallowed. And I knew exactly where to puke it too- we have an outside room with an outside toilet. I made my way downstairs knowing my parents are still out, got to that bathroom and undressed so I wouldn't mess my clothes up, I stood over the toilet and started the routine when I heard the garage open. I have never been so frightened in my life. I got dressed as soon as I can, switched off the light, locked the door and ran upstairs. And thank HEAVENS nobody heard/saw me.
I have never had a worse night.. all that fat.. Itll take me forever to get it off.
I have been puking everything since. I don't want to be like this. I'm going to study medicine when I finish school. I have so many dreams. I don't want this life and I am prepared to do anything to stop it.
Please please please
Just tell me how to stop the urges
I want to be skinny AND healthy. I don't want problems, I want to be happy.
I know selfharm isnt a road that should be followed.
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Replies(3)
CassWys
New User
Hi SamanthaG! I have never had bulimia before, so I don't know how to tell you how to stop the urges to vomit up everything you eat, but I just wanted to say that everyone is different and what may be 'ugly' to one person will be beautiful to another. You are only fifteen and your looks will still go through changes, but throwing up is just going to make you look awful and severely unhealthy, you are way more beautiful when not throwing up.
I had some of the same feelings when I was a teenager(although I never ended up making myself throw up, the thought had crossed my mind many times!). My younger sister was always prettier and skinnier than me, and more popular, and I always felt my friends were prettier than me too. I had boyfriends, but none of them ever really thought I was beautiful and they would always break up with me to date my friends because they were prettier. But as I got older, I started to adapt to the way I looked, and even though I still believe that some of my friends and my sister still too, are prettier than me, I know that I am a pretty person, on the inside and out and I have found people who are stunned that I think "so-and-so" is much prettier than me. I am 22 now and engaged to a guy who sees me as beautiful and tells me that all the time, even though I don't see it like he does, and maybe other guys don't see it either, he is just proof that, like I said, what some see as not so good looking or flawed, others find utterly beautiful. I now have some friends who know they are prettier than me but others who, even though I think may still be better looking, they think that I am better looking than them. Everyone has a different opinion about what is beautiful and what is not.
So, I just want you to know that you may not feel you are beautiful now, but to some people, you are or certainly WILL be in the not so distant future! There are people who don't think that 'really skinny' is at all good looking, and prefer a little bit bigger people, and others prefer the opposite. You are never going to please the eyes of EVERY person out there, as I never will and no one else ever will, but you will be beautiful to some and to even yourself someday if you just believe that. All of those flaws you believe you have right now are only so bad because you are trying to see them all and you think that is what other people see too, but it's not...I promise you that is not what everyone sees.
So, if you just believe what I am telling you, then you'll be able to start to see the beauty in yourself too and not just the flaws, and hopefully you can go back to getting to where you want to be the healthy way..by excersising and eating right(and not throwing it up), and if you eat something that's not great for you, so what? A couple 'bad for you things' are NOT going to change your beauty, and if you still feel bad about eating it, just know that you'll excersise it off..but NO BODY is going to fault you for eating something that tastes great, but may not be great for you every now and then, and it is NOT going to make you gain any noticable weight just by eating a few things that aren't on your healthy eating list, I promise you that.
Sorry, I can't tell you a sure fire way to stop the actual urges to throw up your food, but just believe what I have told you and know that you ARE beautiful in your own way and you and many others will see that, even if not today. And, seriously, throwing up is just going to cause that beauty to take a lot longer to surface in your eyes, because it will never be there while you're continuing to throw up.
I hope this has helped you in some way, and good luck with everything. You ARE beautiful, SamanthaG, and DO NOT let a mirror, or anyone, tell you otherwise!
Best of luck,
Cassie
I had some of the same feelings when I was a teenager(although I never ended up making myself throw up, the thought had crossed my mind many times!). My younger sister was always prettier and skinnier than me, and more popular, and I always felt my friends were prettier than me too. I had boyfriends, but none of them ever really thought I was beautiful and they would always break up with me to date my friends because they were prettier. But as I got older, I started to adapt to the way I looked, and even though I still believe that some of my friends and my sister still too, are prettier than me, I know that I am a pretty person, on the inside and out and I have found people who are stunned that I think "so-and-so" is much prettier than me. I am 22 now and engaged to a guy who sees me as beautiful and tells me that all the time, even though I don't see it like he does, and maybe other guys don't see it either, he is just proof that, like I said, what some see as not so good looking or flawed, others find utterly beautiful. I now have some friends who know they are prettier than me but others who, even though I think may still be better looking, they think that I am better looking than them. Everyone has a different opinion about what is beautiful and what is not.
So, I just want you to know that you may not feel you are beautiful now, but to some people, you are or certainly WILL be in the not so distant future! There are people who don't think that 'really skinny' is at all good looking, and prefer a little bit bigger people, and others prefer the opposite. You are never going to please the eyes of EVERY person out there, as I never will and no one else ever will, but you will be beautiful to some and to even yourself someday if you just believe that. All of those flaws you believe you have right now are only so bad because you are trying to see them all and you think that is what other people see too, but it's not...I promise you that is not what everyone sees.
So, if you just believe what I am telling you, then you'll be able to start to see the beauty in yourself too and not just the flaws, and hopefully you can go back to getting to where you want to be the healthy way..by excersising and eating right(and not throwing it up), and if you eat something that's not great for you, so what? A couple 'bad for you things' are NOT going to change your beauty, and if you still feel bad about eating it, just know that you'll excersise it off..but NO BODY is going to fault you for eating something that tastes great, but may not be great for you every now and then, and it is NOT going to make you gain any noticable weight just by eating a few things that aren't on your healthy eating list, I promise you that.
Sorry, I can't tell you a sure fire way to stop the actual urges to throw up your food, but just believe what I have told you and know that you ARE beautiful in your own way and you and many others will see that, even if not today. And, seriously, throwing up is just going to cause that beauty to take a lot longer to surface in your eyes, because it will never be there while you're continuing to throw up.
I hope this has helped you in some way, and good luck with everything. You ARE beautiful, SamanthaG, and DO NOT let a mirror, or anyone, tell you otherwise!
Best of luck,
Cassie
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Asetian
New User
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Kerry_T
New User
hey SamanthaG,
i just had to reply. your story hit me close to home. i am 21 years old tunring 22 this year. i was born in south africa and moved to canada when i was only 6 years old. i have a younger brother who is so caring and brilliant in everything he does and i have an older sister who is now married and has always excelled in everything she does.
i used to be very competetive with her. and would always want to be skinnier and better looking. intilectually she always blew me out of the water.
i became like that with everyone i met. i just always wanted to be the smaller one. when things got out of my control at least i could count on knowing that i could be small. - ound kind of silly but so are eating disorders.
anyways, the reason i felt so touched by your message is that the way you have began in your eating disorder is almost exactly how i started. i was around 15 as well.
imagine yourself 6 or seven years from now. where will you be? what will your life be like?
i am still bulimic. i got help at age 19 and i go to therapy once a week, but i still binge and vomit daily.
some days i feel like i will alway have this eating disorder, but my strong desire to recover helps me believe that eventually i will
if i had the knowledge i have now about this eating disorder at the age that you are now i think i would have managed to recover by now.
all i can say is that you have an eating disorder and please dont underestimate it. dont tell yourself that its just a small episode in your life that you can push aside and live with until it goes away. it doesnt go away. if you live with it it gets bigger and stronger with every day that it is with you. beat it now well you are young. the less time you have it the more life you will have free of it. it will take a long time to stop.
i would suggest talking to your mom about her eating disorder. if you want to/she wants to. she probably has endless years of experience and wisdom towards what you can do to stop your habits.
think of bulimia like an adiction. it grows over time and the longer you have it the harder it is to break. do it now. its not good for you and it will take over your life.
you sound like a very smart beutiful person. to be so self aware and level headed at such a young age. i know that if you really want to stop being bulimic you will manage. you just need to keep reminding yourself that you are worth it. you have a wonderfull life ahead of you and it doesnt need an eating disorder in it.
dont forget who you are. dont let eating disorders make you believe you are only what you see in the mirror. i dont trust mirrors anymore. they look different to me everyday. they only show me what my mid feels like seeing. forget what you look like. when you find people who are really worth it in your life you will realise that they dont look at you on the outside, they see through that and see the beuaty of who you are. your personality. work on that. eat healthy, drink water.
you will recover, maybe even help your mom recover too?
good luck! all the best!
i just had to reply. your story hit me close to home. i am 21 years old tunring 22 this year. i was born in south africa and moved to canada when i was only 6 years old. i have a younger brother who is so caring and brilliant in everything he does and i have an older sister who is now married and has always excelled in everything she does.
i used to be very competetive with her. and would always want to be skinnier and better looking. intilectually she always blew me out of the water.
i became like that with everyone i met. i just always wanted to be the smaller one. when things got out of my control at least i could count on knowing that i could be small. - ound kind of silly but so are eating disorders.
anyways, the reason i felt so touched by your message is that the way you have began in your eating disorder is almost exactly how i started. i was around 15 as well.
imagine yourself 6 or seven years from now. where will you be? what will your life be like?
i am still bulimic. i got help at age 19 and i go to therapy once a week, but i still binge and vomit daily.
some days i feel like i will alway have this eating disorder, but my strong desire to recover helps me believe that eventually i will
if i had the knowledge i have now about this eating disorder at the age that you are now i think i would have managed to recover by now.
all i can say is that you have an eating disorder and please dont underestimate it. dont tell yourself that its just a small episode in your life that you can push aside and live with until it goes away. it doesnt go away. if you live with it it gets bigger and stronger with every day that it is with you. beat it now well you are young. the less time you have it the more life you will have free of it. it will take a long time to stop.
i would suggest talking to your mom about her eating disorder. if you want to/she wants to. she probably has endless years of experience and wisdom towards what you can do to stop your habits.
think of bulimia like an adiction. it grows over time and the longer you have it the harder it is to break. do it now. its not good for you and it will take over your life.
you sound like a very smart beutiful person. to be so self aware and level headed at such a young age. i know that if you really want to stop being bulimic you will manage. you just need to keep reminding yourself that you are worth it. you have a wonderfull life ahead of you and it doesnt need an eating disorder in it.
dont forget who you are. dont let eating disorders make you believe you are only what you see in the mirror. i dont trust mirrors anymore. they look different to me everyday. they only show me what my mid feels like seeing. forget what you look like. when you find people who are really worth it in your life you will realise that they dont look at you on the outside, they see through that and see the beuaty of who you are. your personality. work on that. eat healthy, drink water.
you will recover, maybe even help your mom recover too?
good luck! all the best!
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